Hump, Marry, Kill: Matt Damon Finally Gets Revenge On Jimmy Kimmel

Hump: You know who’s having the best year ever? Ashley Benson. Somehow, she managed to parlay a gig on a show about attractive, huge-eyed high schoolers who prevaricate into a role in Harmony Korine’s next movie, which promises to be the hottest mess of our time. She’s also rumored to be dating her Spring Breakers costar, James Franco, even though he denied it in a self-written post on The Huffington Post. Fine, James, maybe the kids today don’t refer to it as “dating,” but that creepy Justin Bieber parody video the two of them made strongly suggests Benson and Franco are way more than friends who lip-sync pop songs together.

Now, Benson has landed a plum gig on How I Met Your Mother as a hyper-fetishized, 20-year-old hipster Barney encourages Ted to sleep with except, oh wait, she’s Barney’s half-sister. Let me tell you all a little something about the biz:** Being cast as a series regular on a show is basically the dream for TV actors. Getting what promises to be a recurring gig (as Barney’s half-sister, chances are they’ll bring Benson back for his wedding and other major life events) is a close second.

So, well done, Ashley Benson. You’re basically having Jessica Chastain’s 2011 but on a much smaller and teen-centric level.

**Which I’ve read prodigiously about on the Internet.

Marry: If you’re a connoisseur of late-night television hosts' fake feuds with guests, then you’re well-versed in the epic backstory of Thursday night’s episode of Late Night With Jimmy Kimmel. If you don’t spend your time YouTube-ing these things, though, here’s a crash course: When Late Night first premiered, Jimmy Kimmel would often jokingly close the show by saying, “Apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time.” It was a joke between the host and a producer about the fact that the show wasn’t doing well, and they could never get A-list guests like Matt Damon, let alone run out of time and have to bump them from the show.”

Finally, Damon was set to appear on the show, but Kimmel took so long to introduce him that the actor proceeded to (fake) rant and curse at Jimmy as the credits rolled. You can see an intercut of famous Matt Damon apologies and the actor’s rant in this video on Kimmel’s YouTube page.

Sarah Silverman, Kimmel’s ex-girlfriend, took the feud to a whole new level when she wrote the Creative Arts Emmy-winning song, “I’m F*cking Matt Damon,” which prompted Jimmy’s response video, “I’m F*cking Ben Affleck.” Both videos are highly worth the watch. Oh, and there’s also the time Kimmel bumped Damon from his own movie by putting Guillermo in The Bourne Identity.

On Thursday, Damon was finally scheduled to appear as a regular interview guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live for the first time — except he wasn’t about to forget all the years of being slighted. So, in a pretty amusing publicity stunt, the actor “kidnapped” Kimmel and hosted the show himself, bringing on a plethora of celebrity friends — everyone from Ben Affleck to Sheryl Crow (who served as Matt’s band leader) stopped by. Even though it was a fake feud, it came to a pretty awesome real conclusion.

Kill: Listen, I get it, writing a TV pilot is no easy task. You need to jam a compelling storyline into the allotted time frame, establish time and place, and give viewers an understanding of every major character and how they interact with one another. Good writers manage to do this with visual and context cues. Then, there are the writers on FOX’s new show, The Following.

Quick! We need to get viewers to understand that Kevin Bacon is your cliché rogue cop/FBI agent who’s damn good at what he does but also prefers to fly solo and work alone. How do we do it? Oh right, have another character literally say to him: “I know all about you: You’re a loose cannon who doesn’t play well with others.” It did not get better from there. Needless to say, I won’t be following The Following.