8 Things You Need To Know This A.M. — Sep 02 2015

James Bond author thinks Idris Elba, the actor who played Nelson Mandela is “too street," to play a secret service agent famous for getting drunk and disrespecting women. In an interview with The Daily Mail, Anthony Horowitz, the newest author behind the James Bond literary franchise revealed his distaste for Idris Elba, a fan-favorite for the next 007. According to Horowitz, Elba, the man whose face launch’d a thousand fanfic ships, is “a bit too rough” for the role. He says, “It’s not a colour issue. I think he is probably a bit too ‘street’ for Bond,” he says. General rule of thumb: if you have to explicitly say that it’s not a “colour issue”…it’s probably a colour issue. (The Daily Mail)

Pope Francis announces that local priests may absolve “contrite” women for having abortions; but he still hasn’t forgiven you for watching the season finale of Pretty Little Liars without him. During the “Jubilee of Mercy” year, which starts December 8th and extends until November 20th, 2016, Pope Francis has granted all Catholic parish priests the temporary authority to “absolve the sin of abortion” for those who seek forgiveness with “a contrite heart.” In a letter issued by the Vatican, the pope expressed compassion for women who’ve had abortions, calling it an “agonizing and painful decision.” The declaration does not reverse the church’s stance on abortion, which maintains that the procedure is a “grave sin.” (Refinery29)

David Bowie will write new original songs for the SpongeBob musical. Bruce Springsteen, get on that Hey Arnold! rock opera while you have the chance. Ground control to Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob Squarepants is heading to the stage and some of the biggest names in music are joining the party. Nickelodeon recently announced that David Bowie, Cyndi Lauper, the Flaming Lips, T.I., John Legend, Lady Antebellum and more are composing original songs for The SpongeBob Musical, set to premiere in 2016. The show, co-conceived and directed by Tina Landau, will open at Chicago’s Oriental Theatre, with hopes of an eventual Broadway transfer. Landau has revealed that actors will not sport the type of nightmare-fueling foam costumes on display in Times Square — actors will instead participate in circus-style workshops to discover “how the human body can transform itself into cartoon-like characters”. (The Guardian)

Surveillance video shows Rikers Guards ignored a dying diabetic inmate for more than 12 hours… because, good God, we need prison reform. Proof that maybe we might be better off ceding control of the world to cloned dinosaurs or sentient apes at this point: a disturbing surveillance video obtained by The New York Times shows Rikers Island correction officers repeatedly ignoring a diabetic inmate’s signs of distress, even after he collapses to the floor. Carlos Mercado, 45, later lapsed into a diabetic coma and died only 15 hours after his arrest for selling an undercover cop a small bag of heroin. In the video, Mercado is seen stumbling around the jail while carrying a plastic bag of his own vomit and collapsing face first onto the floor. According to the Department of Corrections report, officers dismissed Mercado’s multiple entreaties for care out of the belief that he was withdrawing from drugs. (Gothamist)

Man accidentally sexts his new job’s HR manager. Manager responds: “This is not what I meant when I said let’s discuss your raise” (in our dreams). Normally the cost of a sext sent to the wrong person is merely your dignity — or however many hours it takes you to explain that piercing to your grandmother. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but just be happy that you’re not the 23-year-old Chicago man who accidentally sent nudes to the HR manager of a company that had just hired him. The manager informed police that the…eager hire texted two naked selfies over the course of three days. While the man clarified that the photos were meant for someone else, the company rescinded the offer of employment. (Maxim)

J.K. Rowling reveals that it’s James Sirius Potter’s First Day at Hogwarts, and yep, your mom is turning your childhoood bedroom into a yoga studio as we speak. J.K. Rowling took to Twitter to wish Harry Potter’s eldest son, James, good luck on his first day at Hogwarts. The author followed up to inform fans that Potter was (unsurprisingly) sorted into Gryffindor while Teddy Lupin, the only child of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, is now the Head Boy of Hufflepuff. Inspired by the tweet, #BackToHogwarts quickly climbed to the top of Twitter’s worldwide trending topics. WE’RE NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING! (Time)

54% of Republicans still think President Obama is a Muslim. (The other 46% were too busy calling me an “Ignorant Feminazi” on Twitter to respond). In Things People Believe Because They Read It On A Pickup Truck’s Bumper Sticker News: A survey of 572 Republican primary voters, conducted by Public Policy Polling, found over half of the respondents said they believe that President Barack Obama is a Muslim. Of the voters surveyed, 32% said they were not sure of the president’s religion, while only 14% correctly identify him as a Christian. But it is not only voters who are still perpetuating this myth: In August, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, a Republican presidential hopeful, said in an interview that he “didn’t know” whether Obama is a Christian. (Mashable)

3,000 naked bike riders inadvertently photo-bombed a wedding shoot, producing the only pictures truly deserving of your ‘~*Here Comes The Bride*~’ Pinterest board. Philadelphia couple Ross Cohen and Blair Delson were right in the middle of their celebratory wedding photo shoot when they heard an approaching raucous din that could only be the sound of 3,000 naked bike riders, with parts high-fiving and low-hanging. The wedding party’s Dilworth Plaza shoot was right along the route of Philly’s annual Naked Bike Ride, an outgrowth of the World Naked Bike Ride movement, which is intended to encourage both more biking and nudity. Cohen and Delson decided not to wait for the cyclists to pass, and instead, joined the center of the commotion for a series of hilarious photos. (AP)