Hump, Marry, Kill: Arrow Is Basically Hannah Montana

Hump: Listen, I understand the fascination with superheroes. I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and/or Lisa Simpson when I was little (I think my wee brain was under the impression that most superheroes were animated cartoons, and that Lisa Simpson possessed some sort of powers). What I don’t understand, however, are superheros who change their appearances about as much as Hannah Montana when they’re out doing their vigilante-ing.

If you’ve had a chance to watch The CW’s new show, Arrow, chances are you know what I’m talking about. Stephen Amell, resident Adonis, plays Oliver Queen, a former playboy who is marooned on an uncharted island for five years after watching his father and mistress die. If there’s one thing TV has taught us, it’s that being stranded alone leads to loads of personal growth, realizing of the errors, reforming one’s formerly wanton ways, and extreme physical fitness training. No Wi-Fi on the island, I guess.

When Oliver finds his way home five years later, he masquerades as the gadabout he once was, but he’s really prowling the streets of his corrupt city, looking to enact revenge on a list of people his father gave him before he died. It’s basically Revenge with a costume instead of cocktail dresses — except Arrow’s “costume” is nothing more than a well-fitted hunter green leather jacket with a hood that barely covers his gorgeous blue eyes and some green paint applied across those dazzling peepers.

Seeing as he’s the hottest person to ever walk the streets of the city and everyone knows who he is, it’s entirely unclear how no one guesses the identity of the mysterious “Arrow.” Then again, it worked for Hannah Montana, and all she needed was a wig to confuse absolutely everyone including the president.** Stupid, revealing costume or not, Oliver Queen is smoking hot and hasn’t had sex in five years, so someone should really jump on that.

**Not that I’ve ever watched one or multiple episodes of Hannah Montana.

Marry: Even when he played a sociopathic murderer in season one, I still loved me some Evan Peters. Did you know he auditioned to be Peeta in The Hunger Games? I feel like he would have been a way better Peeta. Sorry, Hutcherson, you and J. Law have no chemistry, and you’re just too little and stoic to hold a candle to my boy Evan, who can even make forcing the girl he loves to throw up in a bathtub after she ODs look intimate. And he can make viewers crush on the essence of evil. Well, this viewer. What I’m saying is: Acting, my friends. He can do it.

This season, Peters is back, but gone is demonic Tate Langdon. American Horror Story: Asylum’s Evan Peters is a 1960s greaser named Kit, who defies society and the law to marry the girl he loves. Sure, that girl gets skinned from the feet up, which results in Kit being committed to an insane asylum because everyone thinks he’s a skin-suit-wearing serial killer. Nevertheless, I’d like to believe that he’s not the antichrist this season, and that he was probed by aliens like he claims. They killed his young bride and gave us all the opportunity to glimpse his butt during the invasive intake process at Briarcliff. For that, we should probably thank them.

Kill: 2 Broke Girls is now in its second season, and the producers totally used the hiatus to retool the show so it focuses more on the inspirational tale of two down-on-their-luck city gals just trying to make it in the cutthroat world of selling homemade cupcakes.

Pardon? That’s not what happened at all? Oh, you’re right, they used the summer to somehow turn the characters into even bigger one-liner spewing stereotypes. And in the process, Jennifer Coolidge somehow became a series regular because what’s a sitcom in 2012 without some Archie Bunker-style bigotry?

Coolidge plays Sophie Kerchinsky, a Polish immigrant who runs a cleaning service called Sophie’s Choice, which is definitely not funny. Unfortunately, the show didn’t spring for a dialect coach, because her accent sounds more Moscow madame than Polish export. But at least they give the great character actress the sleaziest, most cliché jokes ever, which is great because the show didn’t already have a smarmy Eastern European nymphomaniac in residence.