I have always been a talkative person. I regularly got “talks too much” on my report card all throughout school. It’s something I can joke about now, but as a kid, those three words made me panic. At home, I was taught that “calladita te ves más bonita” or, in English, “you look prettier when you’re quiet.” Year after year, my parents reproached me on the way to and from parent-teacher conferences. My chattiness was a point of discontent for them. It didn’t matter that I was an A-grade student. According to my parents, I needed to listen more and speak less if I wanted to be more ladylike and earn others’ respect — especially theirs.
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After speaking about this with therapists and other women, I learned that the saying “calladita te ves más bonita” wasn’t unique to my home. Generations of Latinas have heard this exact expression or experienced the spirit of this repressive admonishment from their families. The impact of being told that it’s better to be seen than heard continues to permeate throughout the lives of countless Latinas, affecting their work lives, romantic relationships, and their self-confidence.
"Calladita" culture is rooted in machismo and the notion that women should let the men do the talking, explains Juliana Lodoño, a Colombian licensed mental health therapist based in Montclair, New Jersey. She says that clinically, she has been able to recognize how this phrase is used in a capacity that hinders growth, especially among Latinas.
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"The impact of being told that it’s better to be seen than heard continues to permeate throughout the lives of countless Latinas, affecting their work lives, romantic relationships, and their self-confidence."
zameena mejia
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“The phrase implies that the quieter you are and the more you keep your head down, the greater life, the job, or the relationship might be,” Lodoño says. “In turn, we all have a voice, and there’s power in that, but this saying silences that voice. It affects your self-confidence, your self-esteem, and your ability to stand up for yourself and for others.”
For a phrase that’s thrown around so casually at home and at family gatherings, Lodoño says its impact shouldn’t be taken lightly.
“[Phrases like this] become so dangerous when you don't even need to hear [the phrase] anymore, you just know it's better to keep your mouth shut,” Lodoño warns. “You can be a groundbreaking, incredible woman with goals and dreams, but if you've internalized that ‘calladita te ves más bonita,’ you are less likely to take action, stand up for yourself, raise your hand in class, stand up to that bully, or apply for that job. When you internalize that it’s easier to do nothing, it’s hard to break that cycle in other parts of your life.”
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Though Aliyah Rodriguez’s Belizean parents never explicitly used this phrase toward her, her father frequently told her, “you talk too much, talk less, say hi to your elders, and that’s it. When they speak to you, just answer the question and don’t say anything more.”
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"You can be a groundbreaking, incredible woman with goals and dreams, but if you've internalized that ‘calladita te ves más bonita,’ you are less likely to take action, stand up for yourself, raise your hand in class, stand up to that bully, or apply for that job."
Juliana Lodoño
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“As someone with intersectional identities as Black, Latino, and Afro-Caribbean, I think we come from cultures that rely too heavily on building things on the backs of women,” Rodriguez says. “Even when women are the ones running the show, the men get all the credit and are seen as in charge.”
Rodriguez is currently in the process of moving in with her boyfriend for the first time, and she says she’s still unlearning Latine culture’s correlation between beauty, quietness, and servitude. She has caught herself taking over tasks like cooking, cleaning, and building furniture, even though her partner had offered to help. It reminded her of being a kid: when her dad would get home from work, everyone had to stop what they were doing to entertain his needs. She had to stop watching the TV and leave the living room. Her mom had to drop the phone calls she was on to start cooking dinner. Her brothers were encouraged to speak up while she was expected to quiet down.
“I do hope that it's something that we lose as a culture, at least within our generation,” Rodriguez says. “I had to deal with [this] as a child, and here I am today, a grown woman, and it’s still something that impacts me. I hope we teach our little girls that they can be whoever they want to be and they can be just as vocal as our sons.”
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"I had to deal with [this] as a child, and here I am today, a grown woman, and it’s still something that impacts me."
Aliyah Rodriguez
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“Calladita” culture is also found in Latine families who have lived in the U.S. for decades. Brittany Leitner grew up in San Antonio, Texas, where her mom’s side of the family settled down after moving from Mexico a few generations ago. Although Leitner’s family didn’t directly tell her "calladita te ves más bonita," she saw its impact as she watched the women around her be silenced and wait on the men hand and foot. As a teen, she noticed her mom tried to instill these same values in her.
“When I started dating in high school, my mom said I was too mean to the guys I dated when. In reality, I was just outspoken, confident, and didn’t tolerate guys gaslighting or intimidating me,” Leitner says.
Avoiding the stereotypical roles other women in her family have fallen into is key for Leitner, who adds it has been important for her to show her family that she’s independent and flipping the script.
“It’s my own way of modeling to them that I am not following the same footsteps. We haven’t talked about it, but it has been an internal battle that I had to win,” she says. “If I decide to have kids, there's no way I’m going to let [calladita culture] be passed on to them. I would feel really grateful to teach them the positive aspects of Mexican culture instead of these habits that have held us back.”
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"If I decide to have kids, there's no way I’m going to let [calladita culture] be passed on to them."
Brittany Leitner
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Lodoño also points out that at the heart of Latinas’ struggle with “calladita” culture, especially in the U.S. and with younger generations, is our bicultural households. In the U.S., women have opportunities that maybe they didn’t have or wouldn’t have had in their families’ native countries. While they are silenced at home, opportunities like going to college, going to work, or starting businesses offer a path to independence. But psychologically, the voices at home urging women to be silent are the same ones inadvertently dissuading them from standing out at work and achieving potential raises and promotions.
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Fabiola Miranda, based in Los Angeles, California, says she heard "calladita te ves más bonita" from her Salvadoran parents and family members throughout most of her childhood and teen years. She was often called a “malcriada,” or ill-mannered, for talking back to her parents, asking questions about their decision-making or for sharing her unwanted opinions.
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"I would rather bite my tongue than make a big fuss and defend myself."
Fabiola Miranda
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“This affects me now as an adult because I would rather bite my tongue than make a big fuss and defend myself,” Miranda says. “Being calladita has led to me being told what to do by not only my parents, but other people, including at work.”
Since joining the workforce, Miranda has found herself in situations where she feared the repercussions of speaking up and getting fired, even when she was being disrespected in the workspace, so she kept quiet. Today, it still takes Miranda time to work up the confidence to not second-guess herself during work meetings or tough conversations with her parents, but through therapy and boundary-setting, she has learned more about managing and expressing her emotions while also protecting her peace of mind.
“I feel like we have to break the chains of this generational trauma,” Miranda says. “I’m breaking it by speaking up for myself.”