I’m An African Eldest Daughter — Is This Why I’m A “Giver” In Relationships?

“You have to be a certain type of person to date a first-born daughter,” says Tobi Naomi in a video posted to TikTok. It’s one of many conversations on the app centered around first-born daughters and how the First Daughter Syndrome affects different aspects of their lives, particularly their relationships and love lives. Going further Tobi Naomi shares, “Being a firstborn daughter is not for the faint of heart; but so is anyone who dates a first-born daughter… I strongly believe that anyone who dates a first-born daughter successfully and even marries them is a good man.” The video garnered over 354k views on TikTok and saw many comments from eldest daughters who could relate. “So true! I ended up breaking up with someone because he felt like another responsibility. At least I know what I want now,” shared one person in the comments. “First-born daughter here but engaged to a last-born son. He brings out my inner child all the time,” reads another. While another eldest daughter claimed dating an only child means she “never” has to do anything when she's with him, adding that “it's therapeutic.”

Being a first-born daughter can come with large responsibilities within some family structures and households — from being expected to do the majority of chores to, in some cases, helping raise younger siblings. The extra burden can take years to learn how to navigate and balance (you don't get a tutorial, you have to learn on the job). And ultimately, this experience can shape how a woman leads her adult life and the romantic partners she chooses. This can be especially true when you are a first-born daughter in an African home. “One of the most heartbreaking things about being a first-born daughter in an African household can be the pressure to fulfil societal and family expectations while facing limited opportunities for personal growth and self-expression,” said one creator on TikTok, who added, “This can lead to a profound sense of feeling trapped between traditional gender roles and modern aspirations.” As a Nigerian first-born daughter, her words cut deep. 

Africa is a continent rooted in culture, and while this is a beautiful thing, it could have both positive and negative impacts on children’s development. Right from childhood, there are roles you are expected to play as a member of your household. From early on, you are told to look after your younger siblings when your parents are out or when you go to school together. In a typical Nigerian setting, if anything goes wrong while parents are away, the onus to explain what happened and take responsibility for the mishaps automatically falls on the first-born. Eldest daughters are signalled to let younger siblings have the last snack, or a particular part of a shared meal, even if it’s the part you want or like – so over time you get used to sacrificing your wants for others. Parents tend to be stricter with the eldest daughter than younger siblings (probably because your parents are also learning their way through parenthood), so you can become afraid of making mistakes. Directly and indirectly, first-born daughters are trained to be a certain person or show up in a certain way for your family. This can mean putting desires and emotions on the back seat to prevent being the “bad example” to everyone looking up to you. 

“There are cultural dynamics to growing up in a country like Nigeria,” says Adesuwa Ewaigbokan, a UK-certified sex and relationship therapist based in Lagos Nigeria, to Unbothered. “The traditional expectations and respect for authority may limit personal freedom. Gender roles and expectations can also impact [a woman’s] relationships and self-perceptions.” As an African first-born daughter, there can be a limit to how far you can go in expressing your adolescent angst, exuberance, or personal flairs. Not only because you are always reminded to “remember the daughter of whom you are” but also because you grow up feeling responsible even for the actions of your younger ones. “Growing up as a first-born, I was always reminded that my siblings look up to me, so I always have to tread every path with extra care,” shares Titilope, a 29-year-old Nigerian fashion designer with Unbothered. “Seemingly harmless situations came, but I had to live in a way that my siblings could follow after. It always seemed like I was being watched and monitored by the whole world.” Adesuwa Ewaigbokan empathizes with Titilope’s experience. “Growing up in a typical Nigerian setting puts you in a place of immense responsibility where you are expected to not only set an example for your siblings in terms of morals but you are also somehow to be responsible for the growth of your siblings and family.” 

These unspoken (and often spoken) pressures to uphold both familial and societal standards tend to start in childhood and continue well into adulthood. And, these cultural nuances and common personality traits can invariably affect how African first-born daughters show up in their romantic relationships. Victoria is 27, a writer, founder, and Kenyan immigrant in the UK, tells R29 that navigating dating has been tricky. “I think as I was made to prioritize my education, dating was often put on the back burner and not as much of a priority,” she shares. “I believe this was beneficial in one way and in another way detrimental. It's beneficial as I never felt pressure to date or marry at a young age. Being in my mid-20s I'm happy, as I don't think I knew myself well enough to marry and settle young. However, I do wish I had tips [on how to] date at a young age to know how to handle advances from men.” Similarly, Titilope believes being a first-born daughter has influenced how she shows up in relationships. “People have made comments about me being bossy, dictating or controlling. Unfortunately, I think it's a misunderstanding. I just want to see things done right and I speak up when it seems like it's not.” 

Ewaigbokan agrees that first-born African daughters can exhibit similar traits — both positive and negative — when entering relationships. “African first-born daughters grow up to be natural caregivers. This is because many of them tend to assume the roles of second mothers,” she explains. “They may exhibit both positive and negative traits. Some positive traits include that they are nurturing, confident, and empathetic. The downside to this is that their partners may become too dependent on them and sometimes take them for granted.” The idea that first-born African daughters become “second mothers” in relationships is common but can breed a scenario where they are often caring for others and not always cared for. 

“Many African first-born daughters tend to be perfectionists and may easily be regarded as control freaks,” Ewaigbokan adds. “In addition, they tend to be people-pleasing and hold high expectations for themselves and others. In some settings, African first-born daughters are expected to marry into rich families so they can continue to play their roles in caring for their siblings and families. This can put a lot of pressure not only on them but on their partners as well.” 

Of course, everyone has a different experience, and no two African first-born daughters would present the same way. Yet, even in the uniqueness of individual experiences, there are commonalities to which a lot of African firstborn daughters can relate. It is common for African first-born daughters to be self-reliant and not always ask for help. As one African eldest daughter shared to TikTok, “If I have to ask someone else to help me do something that I can do on my own, I hate the feeling that I get from it. I feel so powerless, like a burden.”

However, these challenges don’t mean that first-born daughters can’t enjoy or thrive in romantic relationships. It may just mean that as a first-born daughter, you have to be more intentional about what you want from your relationship and who you choose as a partner. It’s something Titilope considers when finding a suitable partner. “As I advance in age, I am gearing towards someone who will not stress me as I have been through a lot in my life; especially carrying so much responsibility for those behind me. All I want to do is relax, be taken care of, and grow,” she says. As Titilope suggests, finding a partner who allows for a softer existence is key for a daughter who has often shouldered the burden of responsibility growing up. Some also recommend finding a “last-born” to date or someone who values “acts of service” as their love language. Others recommend someone who has been close with a first-born daughter, while others opt for an “only child” who has learnt to be self-sufficient and is less likely to become an extra burden. But essentially, it’s about finding a partner who allows space for you to be yourself. 

“The leaping stone for me was owning my authenticity and not trying to be a certain way for others. The more I am myself, the easier it has become for me to identify what’s for me and what is not.” Titilope says, and Victoria agrees: “Stay true to yourself – don’t dim your light or lower your standards for the sake of anyone, especially a random man that’s walked into your life.” 

Ewaigbokan stresses that first-born daughters should “recognize their value” and “refuse to settle for less.”  “Communication is important. Having mastered the art of bottling up your emotions and desires, your relationship is the place where you should be free to open up. Express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly. Vulnerability fosters deeper connections. Don’t assume your partner knows what you want.” For first-born daughters who take a caregiver role in relationships, Ewaigbokan re-emphasizes the need to set healthy boundaries. “It’s okay to say ‘no’ and prioritize your own needs. Let go of control. Allow your partner to take the lead sometimes,” she said. “You don’t always have to be in control.” 

Titilope says, “Remind yourself that you need people and they need you, not to primarily shoulder burdens as you've always done, but to pour into them and them, into you – this automatically boosts the vibrancy and quality of one's social life.” 

Victoria adds, “Also never be afraid to walk away - what one man won't do another man will gladly do with a smile on his face. In the wise words of Lori Harvey, ‘Just remember that you’re the prize always.’”