The 7 People You’d Meet If You Hit Up All Those Swanky Emmy Soirees

Humorist Maximillian Kornell narrows down the usual suspects: "The Clooney," an A-lister via soap dish, who might have a producing credit on some edgy HBO political doc, and will undoubtedly pose for pics with Peter Dinklage; "The Apex Nerd," an indie blogger with expensive glasses, cheap haircut, and tapered tuxedo pants; "The Vintage Voter," who attends the Governor's Ball in a ball gown, upset that Mary Tyler Moore wasn't nominated, and may approach winners to ask for an in-depth explanation of FX's programming; "The Apatowian," a clever, natural-fiber-suit-clad writer, who's supposedly so funny that it's okay if he doesn't smile; "The Strong Female Lead," from film to critic-approved cable TV, whose perfect blowout can't soften her badass, potential-diva 'tude; "The Crumpet," a tea-swigging, crustless-sandwich nibbling, Mini-Cooper-driving stoic; and "The Tweeting Vampire," who will be nonstop Instagramming (when he's not scouring for True Blood casting agents, that is) in bohemian bracelets and a cropped blazer.

So, whom would you be most excited about running into — "The Clooney" or "The Crumpet"? Nothing against scones, but we're pretty patriotic on this one! If you won't be at one of the prestigious after-parties, now that you know who will be there, you can pretend that you went. We won't tell — in fact, if anyone asks, we totally saw you there! (LA Times)