Emoji-Shaped Vibrators: Not The Sex Toys We Need, The Sex Toys We Deserve

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The sexual wellness scene has come a long way from seedy stores filled with rauncho-hauncho products and covert-to-the-point-of-confusing online marketing (here's looking at you Amazon "personal massagers"). But even the most modern clitoral stimulators and sophisticated suction vibrators of today can lack a certain playfulness. When I think of sex toys, two (not particularly fun) images come to mind: a massive Brookstone-esque wand and a pocket-sized battery-powered bullet. What doesn't come to mind is anything surprisingly shaped, such as a miniature cartoon eggplant, fully formed baby chickie, or phallically elongated teddy bear. And while no one truly suffers from a lack of mildly inane humor mixed with their between-the-sheets business, it's something we could all use now and again. Which is why I was happy to discover the shrewdly dubbed company Emojibator. The aforementioned emoji-shaped sex toys? Yeah, they're no joke. Not only does an eggplant vibrator actually exist, but it's made from waterproof, body-safe silicone that can help get you (or a lucky giftee) off for the palatable price of 34 bucks. (Other real vibrators include banana emoji, pickle emoji, ice cream cone emoji, and chili pepper emoji.)

They may not be the sex toys we need, but dammit if they're not the sex toys we deserve. Scroll on to smirk, shop, or spit out your coffee at my three absolute favorites below. And don't worry, you've been spared the presence of the Poop Emojibator...for now.

Emojibator launched in 2016 with its infamous eggplant vibrator, shaped after the equally infamous emoji commonly used in sexts and penis talk. Not to be mistaken for a child's toy, the Eggplant Emojibator is a 10-speed powerhouse crafted out of waterproof, body-safe silicone. The limited amount of reviews concur that the sex toy's material is everything from "really good" to "really great" and features a "fun" shape supported by "surprising" vibration settings that are strong but quiet — aka all the things you want in a vibrator, plus one thing you didn't even know you needed [insert eggplant emoji].

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I cannot stop laughing at this chickie. And while I have not yet decided if I would actually use this thing on my clitoris, boy oh boy is the sight of him bringing me an unhinged amount of mid-workday joy. (Would you just look at those googly eyes and his derpy butt? Come on!) The Chickie Emojibator — aside from being an A+ birb — is crafted from body-safe silicone, waterproof, USB-chargeable, and comes equipped with eight different vibration settings. But, unlike the more traditional eggplant vibrator, this lil' guy works the suction circuit. Featuring eight different suction patterns that "stimulate and pulsate," the Chickie is powerful enough that users may need to bust out the lubricant. Buckle up. *A sensual version of Sesame Street's Ernie and his Rubber Duckie plays*

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Okay, wow wow wow. I was shocked to discover, upon further investigation, that this cute elongated teddy bear is a literal penis sheath. Touché, Emojibator, touché. As far as non-boring covert sex toys go, this chaotic creation takes the cake. Teddy Bear Vibrator is designed to "look like a real chocolate bear lollipop on the outside" (are those a thing?) with "a surprising vibrating dildo" lurking beneath (click on the link below for a closer look at that NSFW thing). Aside from being an incredible spectacle, this sex toy is recommended for internal or external use and comes equipped with ten whisper-mode vibration settings described as "crazy strong." Rawr.

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