Hump, Marry, Kill: The “A” Team

Hump: My coworker was all, “Lauren, you have to watch Total Divas.” And I was all, “Wellllll, I don’t really like wrestling or overly dramatic people, and I’m not sure I can shame-watch another reality show besides The Vineyard.” To which my coworker simply nodded and said, “Trust me.”

I didn’t, but when I turned on my TV last night, it just happened to be tuned to E!, and a repeat of last Sunday’s episode just happened to be playing. Let’s just say I was hooked faster than Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Coworker/Bella twins: 1, Lauren: total K.O.

Marry: John Mulaney was a panel member on this week’s The Jeselnik Offensive, and I’ll take every opportunity to advocate for the ridiculously smart and clever comedian. He manages to be funny without resorting to raunch or over-the-line black humor, and he’s got the face of an angelic ‘50s sitcom star combined with the voice of an old-timey radio announcer. I have also provided a gratuitous picture of Mulaney with his new dog, Petunia, because oh my god that face and those ears.

Kill: WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Do not read any further if you haven’t watched this week’s Pretty Little Liars and have also somehow managed to stay off the Internet since Tuesday.

Is anyone going to address how Pretty Little Liars completely stole a page from the Gossip Girl playbook by making the hunky male love interest of one of the main characters “A”? And, just like Gossip Girl, if you pause to review Ezra’s behavior in past seasons, he now seems totally schizophrenic. I know it’s hard when shows become huge hits and manage to run for longer than the producers and writers originally planned, and that this is television for teenagers, who probably don’t investigate plot holes with the same vigor as a writer in her late 20s watching a show clearly not intended for her.

Nevertheless, having a character who seemed trustworthy and loving suddenly turning evil is less of a “Got ya!”-type reveal, and more of a scary lesson in how you can never truly trust or know anyone. That handsome outsider who swept you off your feet and acted like a totally normal, sane person is actually running a long, mysterious con that will result in your public downfall and possibly bodily harm to you or your friends and family members. Stranger danger, kids: It’s real. And by “real,” I mean it exists on histrionic tween dramas and Catfish.