Here's What Happened When One Man Decided To Wax His Own Armpits

Waxing isn't something I'd ever considered. I spent so much of my childhood looking forward to growing body hair that now it feels like sacrilege to cull the underbrush. Usually, my general upkeep regimen involves doing just enough so that my fiancé doesn’t get upset and do it for me. You do not want the love of your life pinning you down so she can attack your eyebrows with tweezers. It’s scary.

So I wasn’t really sure what was going to happen when I waxed for the first time. I was given the choice between a traditional strip wax kit or the “ouch-free” version and, foolishly, I offered to be the guinea pig for both. The confidence of a man with no experience in a field is truly an astounding thing. I took them home hoping to live up to the example set by the accomplished, smart women I work with and arrive back the next day breezy and unencumbered by the arm-pit hair that the smiling woman on the wax kit promised was separating me from pure happiness.

Do I even need to tell you that it did not go well? I was prepared for searing pain, and I was not disappointed. What I was not prepared for was that I might have to wax the same area multiple times. That’s just evil. I managed to make it through the regular wax kit (relatively) unscathed, but when it came time to go with the so-called “ouch-free” kit, things took a dive. The numbing cream I prepped with was slightly less effective than an expired baby aspirin, and the lack of a strip for the wax meant that when the going got tough, the wax gave up. I made it through five failed attempts before finally giving up, a beaten and half-waxed man.

I now appreciate the short hair that's returning to my left underarm. Usually, when I shave, there’s itching for weeks, but other than the immediate (and psychological) pain, it’s been great. The right armpit, however, remains mockingly thick. A trophy of my weakness, and a sign that I did not have what it took to be one of the happy women carrying yoga mats on the box.

If I had to do this again (and please God tell me I don’t), I would definitely opt for a professional waxer. After this experience, I'm pretty convinced they know what they're doing way better than I do.