What Your Coffee Mug Says About You: An Anthropomorphic Exploration

Like it or not, we live in an era where our mugs are more than just something to hold hot liquid— they’re a fashion statement, a status symbol, and — wait for it — a lifestyle. Gone are the days when you could just roll into work with a leaky paper cup from the corner bodega. We want that mug to compliment our brands, our identities, and our regrettably large collection of basket bags. After all, what’s the point of drinking coffee, if you can’t Instagram your mug?

Yes, mugs are practically a movement these days. And, what does that say about our culture? In the year 3045, when archeologists dig up the long forgotten ruins of your open-plan office and find your co-worker’s $94 Etsy mug, what will it say about the human race? It’s likely future anthropologists will (correctly) assume that we were WAY TOO LIT ABOUT MUGS.

Then again, those judgy future scientists don’t know what it’s like to deal with your day-to-day office politics. And are you really just gonna sit there and drink from a Starbucks cup, when Heather in Accounting is sipping her Kyoto drip coffee from an uber-chic, hand-painted, mug-sterpiece? You’re gonna go out and find a fierce mug that matches your soul and your Prada espadrilles.

But how to know what mug expresses your true, inner essence? To help out, here’s a round-up of seven types of mugs (and mug owners) that you’ve probably seen sipping around your workplace. Which one are you?

You are extremely woke. But you know this already. You have twitter-trolled at least four GOP Senators in the last two hours. Your coffee mug is your most prized possession, and it features a beautiful pair of naked breasts. You are a feminist, you are fearless, and you are smashing the patriarchy one sip of breast-delivered, ethically grown Venezuelan coffee at a time. Yas queen... Bring those ceramic areolas into your 9 a.m. budget meeting!

You are overrrrr it. You’ve been counting down the days until you can FINALLY quit this prison of a day job and launch, at long last, your placenta-themed jewelry shop on Etsy. As a result, you’ve chosen an extremely passive aggressive mug that broadcasts JUST how jaded you are. Why tell everyone to just f*ck off, when your mug can do it for you?

You are aggressively artisanal. If it’s not handcrafted, you are NOT interested. You worship at the altar of Gwyneth Paltrow and spend approximately $2,536 a month on Goop treasures. In your free time, you enjoy taking long walks through the farmers market and Instagramming photogenic baskets of organic, rain-dappled tomatoes. Your mug was fired in an ancient kiln by the finest craftsmen, and it currently contains loose-leaf turmeric tea that you made YOURSELF.

You like things. You found Carrie Bradshaw’s shoe budget to be laughably restrained. You are willing to spend $200 dollars on the gaudiest coffee mug in the history of coffee mugs, simply because it’s Versace. Anna Wintour would approve, and don’t be surprised if you spot this hot new accessory on the red carpet at the Met Gala (last season crowns, this season….Mugs!).

You are here to get shit done! You’re a team player! You love exclamation points! And you ADORE coffee mugs that tell everyone JUST HOW ENTHUSIASTIC YOU ARE! You probably shouldn’t have ANY more coffee, but YOU JUST CAN’T HELP YOURSELF! You are just SO PUMPED ABOUT WORK! #GoalDigger! #EyesOnThePrize! #TodayIsTheFirstDayOfTheRestOfYourLife!

Your life ended on November 8, 2016. The horrific actions of our current administration give you literal nightmares on a daily basis, and the only things keeping you awake at work, are the gallons of coffee you drink out of your treasured Obama campaign mug — a vessel you cling to as desperately as your memories of a pre-Trump America. You’re the first to like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s every tweet, and you’re ready to take on the midterms with Trump-loathing zeal!

You are a mom who LOVES “mom jokes.” You genuinely adore humor about wine, coffee, chocolate and shopping. Diane Keaton is your spirit guide. You saw Book Club eight times in theaters, and will not rest until EVERY LAST PERSON IN YOUR OFFICE HAS SEEN IT AS WELL.

You are obsessed with gadgets. Okay, you probably work at a startup. And, the only thing you love more than your miraculous self-heating mug, is lecturing everyone about why it represents the cutting edge of coffee-warming technology. There’s no doubt about it: You’re a total mug-splainer.