Why Does Thinking About Our Finances Make Women Feel So Bad?

Feeling negative about money? You’re not the only one: In a recent study, Money Moves, conducted by R29 Intelligence to explore how we think about money as we navigate the current cost-of-living crisis, it found that 62% of women feel overwhelmingly negative about finances, using “stressed,” “worried,” and “frustrated” as the top three words to describe their financial situation. In stark contrast, 69% of men say they feel positively when thinking about their finances, with the words “motivated,” “confident,” and “optimistic” coming to mind. This negativity directly impacts women's self-esteem, with 43% of women saying their financial situation makes them feel badly about themselves.

To help us understand why we feel so bad about money, we spoke to two financial therapists — Aja Evans, a board-certified therapist who specializes in financial therapy; Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a certified financial therapist and financial wellness speaker — who combine financial advice and emotional support to help others manage financial stress. Keep reading to learn about why we feel the way we feel — and ways we can build a better relationship with money. 

“There are a lot of times where women aren't taught personal financial information or made to feel like they’re incapable of handling money or that they can’t understand the systems in place,” Evans says. 

In fact, in the U.S., women weren’t even allowed to apply for their own credit card or loan without a male co-signer until 1974. “Women didn't have access to credit cards or bank accounts until the 1970s without their husband’s or father’s written permission,” Bryan-Podvin says. “So when we think about how a person is learning about money, we only have one generation of women who can go to their parents for information about bank accounts or credit cards. Even our grandmothers didn't necessarily have access to those things.”

There’s a cultural perception that men should know more about money, so they tend to actively seek out education and knowledge on the topic. Women, in contrast, are often told to not even talk about it. 

“[My female clients often say they] didn't have access to financial education. It wasn't talked about,” says Bryan-Podvin. “It was shameful if they innocently asked a question like ‘Can we afford to go on that vacation?’ or ‘Are we poor?’ as a kid. The response was often, ‘We don't talk about money, it's rude.’”

“When you really need to know certain information and you don't, you tend to feel like you should stay away, because you’re not feeling 100% confident in your ability to take the next step,” Evans says. “Unfortunately, that leads a lot of us to not be active in our financial lives, to put it on the back-burner, or to feel worried about it.” 

“For men, utilizing their credit card may not seem like a risky move. They’ll think, I'll pay it back; it will be fine,” Evans says. “But women are taught to be more risk-averse, on top of feeling like they may not have the correct information or all the information they need. [So when faced with financial turmoil], women tend to dip into their emergency fund [instead of using a credit card].” 

“There's this additional layer of uncertainty: I really don't understand how credit cards work. What if I actually make a mistake and don't pay it back? What does that mean for me?” says Bryan-Podvin. “So that's another reason why I think women might feel they should earn more money or just pull from the money in their savings account.”

“Women may feel shame [if they make a financial mistake]. And it is very isolating, because it’s something that they keep quiet about. They're not sharing, they're not talking about it, they’re brushing it under the rug and hoping nobody finds out,” Evans says. “But from what I’ve seen, men who have made a financial mistake think, Okay, I’ve made a mistake, let's move on from it.”

It’s not just in finance — in other areas of life, women feel the pressure to be perfect and experience shame if they don’t live up to these unrealistic expectations. Bryan-Podvin traces it back to the first wave of feminism when the goal was to open equal opportunities to women. “One of the first things to be like a man was to not mess up, to not make mistakes,” says Bryan-Podvin who uses the 2024 presidential candidates as an example. “We have a very qualified woman and we have a not-so-qualified man, and yet she has to defend her capability. Even at a smaller level, we experience this all the time: having to overperform to prove we’re deserving or worthy.” 

“I tell my clients that talking about money will help you. You are not the only one going through this. I promise you that having more conversations with your friends and the people you trust is only going to help,” Evans says. 

“One piece of advice I share with my clients is that: It’s okay to make mistakes with money,” Bryan-Podvin says. “Normalizing money mistakes is important — it’s just a part of life.” 

“Find tools that feel empowering for you and use them in a way that works for you,” says Bryan-Podvin, who suggests pausing or blocking a particular merchant if they feel unsafe, or drafting financial goals (“I want to save X dollars in an emergency fund” and “I want to open a high-yield savings account”) as examples. “We were so limited 30 years ago when it came to financial education; now, we have such a plethora of content creators on social media who are willing to share. Don't be turned off by the first talking head who's talking to you about personal finance — you can shop around. Find a person or a group or an approach that really speaks to you.” 

“If you're not ready to talk to your friends about finances, that's okay, but take some time to pick up a book or follow a few social media accounts who are talking about finances — but make sure that these people are credible and they know what they're talking about,” Evans says. “I'm not shocked that so many women are worried about [money]. We just need to have conversations about it and learn about it — and once we do, I really believe we will be unstoppable.”