What Revenge Porn Did To Me

Many of us have heard horror stories about so-called "revenge porn." It's one of the more nightmarish byproducts of the Internet age. The stories usually go something like this: A resentful ex posts embarrassing photos of his or her hapless victim, destroying their reputation online — and possibly their chances to land a job or to get approved for an apartment. We spoke with Katie, whose ex-boyfriend posted revenge porn of her after their relationship ended.

So, when did you find out about the photos that he posted online? Did you find them yourself?

"I didn’t find out until several months later. I had just gone on my first OKCupid date, and he stayed over at my house. I left that morning to go to work, and he must have used my computer, because he texted me at work and asked me, “Did you know that there are pictures of you online?” And, I knew what he was talking about immediately. I just knew in the back of my mind that that video existed, and that’s what it was. It was stills from that video pasted onto a screenshot of my Facebook profile. It was also posted on a revenge porn website. You could Google my name and it would come up on the top of the second page of results. And, it wasn’t just naked pictures. I feel like it would have been a little less scarring for me if it had just been pictures I had taken of myself. But, it was stills of me having sex with him."

How did you feel when you first heard about it?

"It was awful. I just had this horrible sinking feeling. Because the Internet is so permanent. I knew it was something that wouldn’t be easy to undo, if it were possible at all."

So, what was your next move?

"I called my friend, who thought to plug the photos into Google Images to see where else they were, and she found that it wasn’t posted anywhere else. She tried to make profiles for me on different sites to try to bury the photos in the search results. After that, I tried to research what I could do about it. I asked around about a hacker who would be willing to break in and take the photos down, but I didn’t find anyone. I found this site called reputation.com, which is what politicians and celebrities use to clear their name. But all they could do was put the link on page three of my Google search results, and it would cost $10,000. So that wasn’t an option. And all the time, I was constantly afraid that my bosses would Google my name and find it and I would be fired. And, I was thinking about applying for jobs and graduate school. I didn’t know what to do."

Have there been any more incidents since then?

"A few months later, I got a Twitter message from a random guy in South America, saying, “I found pictures of you on the Internet.” He sent it to me, and it was the same picture. He had found it on 4chan.

What are things like now? Does this continue to affect your life?

"It has definitely affected the way I view sex. I have a screwed-up sense of sexuality. It’s weird, because I’m a very sexual person, but I often have this feeling that what I’m doing is depraved, or if I’m with someone that I don’t feel is bad, that I could be soiling them in some way. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for the last couple of years now. I go through phases of wanting to take control of my body and my sexuality, and then I go through phases where I just avoid it and I don’t feel like a sexual being for months at a time. It’s really unhealthy.