“I Ended Up In An All-Women Orgy”: 4 Women On Going To Kink & Sex Parties

The dancefloor is filled with bodies clad in latex, leather and wet-look pleather. They move to the techno DJ set, flirt at the bar, and watch performers on stage. In the dark red lighting that floods and anonymizes everything, people are free to explore their desires as far as they want to. There are threesomes, dom/sub play, couple swaps, and just about anything else you can imagine. Leering as a solo person often isn’t allowed, as those playing may not have consented. This is a typical scene at a kink night.

Sometimes, people go purely to dress up kinky then stop there. At other times, they get involved in the action. The choice is theirs, and welfare teams are around to make sure everyone is safe. Kink and sex parties probably aren’t what you think. Far from being seedy spaces, when done right, they can be liberating and consent-driven. And interest in kink and sex communities has grown in recent years. Killing Kittens, who hosts sex parties, previously told Metro they’ve seen a 400% rise in attendees post-pandemic. 

Seren Sins, UK Community & Events Manager at Skirt Club, a femme bi-women’s sex party, says at her events, consent is taken very seriously. “At a Skirt Club party, the code of conduct is printed and visible in various areas of the venue, including both the social areas and those designated to play,” she says, and this is true of several other vetted events including Torture Garden. “We will always give a 'consent' speech at the start of the evening, delivered in a way which welcomes women to ask questions of themselves and their intentions, and to consider the intentions of others too so that they feel clear about boundaries.” They have ‘safety angels’ around the venue, so attendees can check in with them as needed. As a result, Sins says it’s “quite rare” that problems arise. 

Safety goes hand in hand with pleasure, and pleasure is the main reason everyone signs up. “Most who begin nervous walk away feeling 10 feet tall from their first event,” she says. First-timers make up 60% of attendees, on average, at Skirt Club parties, so there’s a welcoming atmosphere for those without sex party experience. Sins says the best events encourage a freedom to explore and express, which is exactly what this scene offers.

Speaking to the kink club scene, Hanny Amin, who co-runs Klub Verboten, says “we have a multi-level safety net in place” during events. “We curate an audience with awareness of how to navigate kink spaces,” Amin says. “This happens through our membership system and door vetting procedures, leaving the most ignorant ones at the doors. In the second instance, we provide the most trained safeguarding team. They are there to spot unwanted feelers, step in and support when things go sideways. Whilst we can't ensure 100% safety, we mitigate the risks unlike any other ‘regular’ club.” If uncomfortable behaviour is reported at a kink night, it’s taken seriously, which sadly isn’t always true of standard clubs. “We will always have your back on all concerns flagged with our team pre-, mid- or post-event,” she adds. People can be banned and have their memberships revoked if they don’t play by the rules.

Like Sins, Amin has seen plenty of positive feedback from those new to the scene, who say they found their people and loved the party. But you also don’t need to throw yourself into the deep end straight away — both of these events mentioned and others run smaller scale options to let people dip their toes in and get a feel. Then again, you might also want to dive straight in.

Refinery29 spoke to four women about their early experiences on the scene. 

I started attending sex and kink events three and a half years ago. I had always been open-minded about my sexuality, but I hadn’t yet found spaces where I could fully express it (high libido and pansexuality) without judgment. I now practice non-hierarchical solo polyamory [having multiple partners that are treated the same, without a primary partner], and the sex-positive community has been an essential part of that journey.

It began when I met a play partner on Feeld. After weeks of discussing fantasies and exploring boundaries, we decided to go together. That night, I had sex in public for the first time and with five men, something that would have once felt unimaginable to me. And yet, it felt natural, thrilling, and deeply affirming. There was no shame, only celebration. I experienced a rush like nothing I’d ever felt before. I then explored several other vetted events, finding which ones I like best. 

I now know so many people in the community that even if I attend an event alone, I never feel alone. There’s always a familiar face, a group of friends to connect with, or new people to meet in a setting where there’s already a foundation of shared values. When I go solo, it’s freeing to follow my own desires without any external expectations.

Over time though, the thrill has disappeared. While I loved the excitement of larger events, I found that what I truly craved was deeper connection rather than constant novelty. Now, I rarely attend big parties, choosing instead to host and attend smaller, more intimate play gatherings with close friends and lovers. 

The events I’ve been to are some of the most consent-driven, emotionally intelligent environments I’ve ever encountered. But, there have been men who’ve made me uncomfortable sometimes and I have seen the undercurrents of misogyny among certain groups. You need strong boundaries, self-awareness, and proactive safety measures — both in terms of physical safety and sexual health.

Over the last four years, I’ve been going to events (public and private) twice a month. I never felt like a party person before and didn’t go out often. But kink changed a lot both in me and my lifestyle. 

Before going for the first time, I did my research. It sounded so tempting. A party with rules, consent and safeguards? Yes, please. My first kink event experience was beyond great and comforting. It felt that I belonged here, and that I was safe. Even if I was approached, I felt empowered to say no. I went with people, someone I’d met on Feeld and then a wider group where I knew another person attending. Meeting people before going to the event definitely helped, and I made some beautiful new connections at the party that have gone on to become friends both in and out of the kink scene. 

However, every experience is different, even if you are experienced. I have a rule for myself, that if I feel anxious and doubt about going, then I’ll drop out. Unfortunately, no matter how many rules and safeguarding tools are implemented, they don’t always “reach” everyone. I have to know my boundaries when I go and have to be able to communicate them clearly. I would avoid events without rules and look for places where safe spaces are encouraged. 

Kink events are now a part of my lifestyle. Prior to kink, I was existing in a cocoon, avoiding any events and interactions due to anxiety.

I went to sex parties from the ages of 20 to 23, usually once a quarter. I was in a group chat that would talk about kink a lot and I was also in a relationship that was dom/sub. My first experiences were group sex parties organized by a friend who I was also casually hooking up with. It felt so freeing. I'm generally an anxious person who used to obsess over finding The One, so going to parties where the only goal was pleasure and fun was liberating.

From there, I usually went with a person I was sleeping with or with friends. I mostly went to parties organized by friends or friends of friends because I preferred the smaller group feeling. I tried a few bigger ones with a partner in party spaces, but I really didn't enjoy those as much because they weren't as intimate. Those ones were more fun to dress up for [following the party dress code] than actually participate in.

I found some community in kink, but kink was more of a way for me to fully explore my queer sexuality from all angles. I’m no longer part of the kink community but have a very deep queer community.

When I was first participating and single, going to group sex and kink parties was incredibly liberating for me. When I later got into a relationship that was kinky, I was not good at setting boundaries and our communication was not great, which led to me finding myself in situations I didn't love. Know your boundaries and feel comfortable enough to stick to them before participating. While in an ideal world everyone should respect your boundaries, the world is not perfect, so knowing when to say no and when to exit a situation is just as valuable as learning what you like. 

Over the last three and a half years, I’ve been going to events every two to three months. My first was Skirt Club, where I went to explore my sexuality as I'd never been with a woman. I didn't tell anyone, just turned up alone with no expectations. It was such an open and accepting space, so I started to express things about myself I hadn't shared with anyone before. We played spin the bottle, as if at a fun sleepover, and it was okay if you didn’t know what you were doing. 

I ended up in an all-women orgy after-party in a nearby hotel at 4 a.m., thinking "This sex party thing feels weirdly natural to me. I want to go to one with men now!" and I signed up for more the next day.

I went alone to parties at first. It meant going out of my comfort zone, making an effort to mingle, and being open to where a night might take me. I met so many people that way, including people who have become some of my best friends. I also found self-consciousness about my body melting away. I felt sexy and confident in a way I never had before. At first these parties were like a secret double life I hadn’t told anyone about, and I focused on having hot and exciting experiences. But now I’ve embraced this part of myself more openly, I view most kink events as a chance to dress up, dance, and socialize with fun people. 

And honestly, I feel safer in kink and sex parties dressed in my underwear than I do fully clothed in any “normal” club. In no other place have I had such positive experiences of rejecting a man's advances. They ask politely, you say “no thank you”, they say “no problem, have a great night!” People give each other open feedback and respect it.