How To End A Date When You Realize It’s Not Going Anywhere

Often during a first date, you're just waiting for a "spark," connection, or literally any sign that justifies you spending your time with this person you barely know. But sometimes (a lot of the time) that doesn't happen. It might take a few drinks or a handful of first-date questions for you to realize that you're not feeling it, or it might hit you the second you see the person IRL. And when that happens, how do you get the hell out of there?

They haven't done anything wrong, but you're just not feeling it. In this case, don't be vague, says Kendra Knight, PhD, assistant professor of communication at DePaul University, who studies communication and relationships. "People don't communicate clearly enough when they aren't attracted to a person," Dr. Knight says. It can feel easier and kinder to just be vague and let someone down easy, but that often leads to more uncertainty, she says. "Sometimes to avoid hurt feelings, people use euphemisms like, I'm not feeling the spark, or I'm not looking for a relationship," she says. "That may make for a smoother exit, but it can leave the other party's head spinning." Comments like those also make you wonder if everyone in the dating scene is looking for "love at first sight." (Hint: Not necessarily.) "Ambiguity and uncertainty come up again and again as major challenges in contemporary dating, therefore I'd advise against euphemism or subtlety," Dr. Knight says. That said, being honest isn't a license to be unkind. "Rather, it's a choice to be fair and transparent," Dr. Knight says. Research done in the UK from Bumble shows more than half of single people want their potential partner to be honest about their intentions and feelings when dating.

Dr Caroline West, Bumble's sex and relationship expert, also thinks honesty is the best policy. "It’s best to be as direct and clear about your feelings towards the evening without being disrespectful. Potentially something along the lines of ‘it’s been lovely getting to know you, but I think I’m going to call it a night’." It really can be as simple as that (if they accept this graciously).

Sometimes you might be looking to end a date because red flags are flying. Relationship expert Anita Chlipala, LMFT, says if they give you odd vibes, it's okay to lie. "If you feel like something is 'off' with a date, I will prioritize my safety over being honest with a person, so I think a white lie is acceptable," she says. You could try something like, "My roommate is locked out!" or "I have an early morning meeting that I have to prep for." Then stick to it and swiftly leave, while making sure a friend knows you're setting off home.

You might also be calling it a night because your date has offended you, or revealed a severe clash in opinion. Maybe it was going well up until that point. Dr. West says first dates can be awkward and "sometimes things get lost in translation". "If a date has said something that is a big deal to you or goes against your values, you shouldn’t feel you have to compromise," she advises. Be honest about how the comment made you feel and given them a chance to respond, if you want to check it's not a misunderstanding. "It’s not the most comfortable thing to do, but at least you put yourself in a position to gauge their reaction to offending you," she adds. If their response sucks, then directly say this difference between you is the reason you're ending the date. The chances are they also won't want to date someone with a big compatibility issue.

Sometimes you just know a date isn't for you. It's in your gut, and nothing can change it. But at other times, you might not be so sure you've allowed enough time to settle on your decision.

First, think about how comfortable you are. Dr. West says: "If things feel forced and you genuinely feel you’ve put all the effort you can into the evening, there’s no need to prolong a night that likely neither of you are enjoying just for the sake of it. I’d say anything between 45 minutes to an hour is a good enough timeframe to gauge if you're having a good time before calling it a night." If you're a people-pleaser, give yourself permission to say goodbye even if your date seems into it still.

It's also important to communicate that you're respectful of someone else's time, Dr. Knight says. You can say something like, "I'm glad to have met you, but I think we might want to call the night early," and they'll get the picture". There's a good chance they've been on a bad date before, too, and will appreciate you not dragging out a date you aren't engaged in.

"Your actions set the stage for ending the date," Chlipala says. So, don't do anything that would prolong the date unnecessarily. Offer to go close the tab if you're at a bar, or speak up when a server asks you if you're finished.

If they aren't for you, don't linger. It's only a waste of time for both of you.