How Kink Helps These Latinas Heal Cultural Wounds

Kneeling before me, a genderless cutie in a leather dog mask begs for another round of rope tug. My stomach is still aching from laughter, but I’m ready to go again. It’s my first time at a pet play event, and after some initial nerves and learning the rules — I’m all in. In the mosh zone, dozens of folks of all shapes, colors, and states of nudity surround me. They’re growling, giggling, moving on all fours, wrestling, and teasing. It’s a pure, uninhibited joy like I’ve never experienced in my adult life. I’m cracking up and sweating as I play with my new pup friend. The freedom sends a deep calm through my nervous system, soothing a part of me I didn't realize needed healing.

My journey into kink has been as varied as the community itself. Driven by a desire for novelty and freedom, I’ve sampled a bit of everything in the kink world. After years of taste-testing, I identify as an experimentalist, a Goddess Domme, a brat, and a vers switch. The kink community has seemingly endless labels and acronyms, and as I worked my way through these different roles, I’ve had an intriguing journey — with a few surprising bonuses. 

“Kink” broadly encompasses any erotic expression outside the norm. It is a vast world and though each individual’s definition and expression is deeply personal, there are a few non-negotiables: Exploring our kinks should always center clear communication, boundaries, safety, and consent. Contrary to popular belief and mainstream depictions, kink isn’t just about sex; it’s also about exploration, connection, and self-discovery. For many, kink is a way to reclaim power and heal wounds that result from shame, fear, or trauma. Others enjoy kink purely as a form of play, separate from their sexuality.

I began to embrace my kinks during my pregnancy as a declaration of my multifacetedness and a reclamation of my autonomy. Growing up in a Chicano family, with grandparents who endured abuse from relatives, teachers, and police, standing out was dangerous. Assimilation equaled safety, leaving me tightly controlled as a girl who was expected to be as "vanilla" as possible and adhere to gender norms. I was shamed for playing football with the boys, even though the freedom of rough play soothed me. The women in my family were domestic and demure and often just plain tired — focused on survival, not personal healing or enjoyment. Exploring kink became a way to recover the joy and freedom that others stifled in both my childhood and the lives of the women before me, healing wounds that we inherited through generations. 

Latine culture — with its traditional gender roles, values of collectivism and familia, and the lingering effects of colonization — makes embracing kink extra challenging. Yet these challenges also offer unique opportunities for regeneration. The tension I sense in my extended family as they observe my egalitarian marriage and gender-neutral parenting reminds me that my kinkiness is not something I could ever safely share with them. But I can’t help but wonder how much they might benefit from a session with a Pro Dom/me.

Despite the barriers, I’ve discovered that I’m not alone in navigating these complexities. Fellow Latina kinksters I interviewed have also found power in embracing their kinks and honoring their cultural identities. They come from diverse backgrounds and are in different seasons of life. Some are mothers; all are daughters. Some have shared their kinkiness with family; others keep it private. Kink isn’t just for "weirdos" (as my mother might say) or exclusively for white folks — it belongs to everyone. It’s for anyone willing to bravely claim their desires. There is no shame in our desires; in fact, there’s profound healing in accepting our unique kinks as they often stem from our deepest wounds. Kink has the power to improve us and our relationships; it can even soothe the generational trauma we carry.

My journey into the kink world began as my marriage was crumbling, marking the start of an adventure I couldn’t anticipate. Growing up in a culturally rich environment, I was steeped in traditions that emphasized modesty, respect, and adherence to familial expectations. I was handed an unwritten script that dictated my roles as a dutiful daughter, devoted spouse, and nurturing mother — roles that left little room for self-exploration or personal expression. 

Kink, however, became the avenue through which I reclaimed my narrative and redefined what it means to be a Latina, a colombiana, on my terms. It empowered me to embrace my desires without shame — a concept that many Latinas find challenging — and has allowed me to explore my sexuality in ways I never thought possible. Kink has taught me that being unapologetically proud of my desires does not diminish my cultural identity; if anything, it enriches it. 

During my career in public health, I managed to skillfully camouflage my kink life, which made conversations with my mother more manageable. But with my current career as an intimacy coach, she has had to come to terms with my sexual openness. Ideally, she would prefer I stick to more broad discussions about things like safe sex practices rather than delve into any details of my adventures.

I can only imagine the wide-eyed reaction of my family if they were to discover my collection of impact toys and tentacle dildos. I am envisioning my mother with a look of shock plastered across her face. But through sharing bits about my work, I am slowly bridging the gap between her cultural expectations and my reality.

I would love to strengthen that bridge, but the true beauty of this journey lies in the profound growth and acceptance I’ve found within myself. Kink has allowed me to embrace my desires fully, challenging cultural norms while also affirming the richness and complexity of the identities I hold.

I am Panamanian by blood and first-generation American by birth. As a Black queer woman and former professional folkloric dancer, I adore extravagant adornments and storytelling through performances. My expression of kink involves adorning people and myself with ropes, flowers, and jewels — not just to emphasize beauty, but also as a way of grounding and connecting us back to nature. My performances and scenes tell a collaborative story, eliciting the same deep emotions I once felt when honoring my ancestors through dance.

My public kink journey began with shibari, Japanese rope bondage, and eventually turned into an eagerness to experience more. I had recently lost my mother, was fresh off a breakup, and was rejected from a grad school program I coveted for years. Drowning in sadness and uncertainty, teaching myself how to self-tie with rope as a form of meditation became the life raft that saved me. This practice of self-tying not only provided solace but also ignited a deeper exploration into kink. However, my early journey was not without challenges; I encountered unsafe situations with self-proclaimed “Pro Doms” that led me to create a truly safe space for women and people who looked like me within the kink community.

Kink has become a direct love letter to integral parts of my being — a way to see parts of myself in others and to celebrate those connections. It is a pathway to healing, self-exploration, and self-love. Kink provides a safe container to explore your most authentic, vulnerable self within a framework that emphasizes trust, communication, and firm boundaries. My kink practice honors the pleasure and self-acceptance we are often too ashamed to let ourselves experience.

And what a journey getting here has been. I struggled with shame in the beginning, largely due to my cultural upbringing and fear of being the center of chisme. But over time, I’ve found unexpected support from some of my family members. Witnessing my favorite relatives discuss my professional kink work with admiration, respect, and curiosity has been deeply affirming of the importance of what I do. 

Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sadism (BDSM) and kink have opened up a path for me to truly embody aspects of my personality, my desires, and my pleasure that aren’t always seen as positive or acceptable in your typical vanilla, cis, heteronormative patriarchal society. I view my kinks on a spectrum from sexual to nonsexual, which includes everything from group sex and being watched, to eco-sexuality and power exchange.

I deeply enjoy dominating men and embracing female supremacy, finding immense pleasure in intensifying and denying a man’s urge to climax through pegging, teasing, face-sitting, and stepping on them. These acts reinforce my dominance, leaving both my partners and me with a profound sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.

All my explorations have been therapeutic, especially since I have always been sexually adventurous and curious from a young age but was shamed for my desires. With early partners, I wanted to be choked, roughed up, and spanked, but they dismissed it as weird. Sex never felt satisfying because I was suppressing these desires as well as pretending to be the submissive when I truly wasn’t.

Now, my exploration of BDSM allows me to explore and actualize fantasies that were never possible in my personal relationships. I create a safe space for others to realize their fantasies, too, grounded in mutual understanding and consent.

The honorific I use when domming is “Mommy Dearest.” As I discovered my kinkiness and the archetype I wanted to embody during my kink practice, I tapped into my shadow and dark feminine. What I found there was a pattern of angry, violent women in my family — often single mothers doing the hard work of raising the family primarily on their own. Women doing invisible, ignored labor and feeling really fed up and taking it out on their kids. I committed very seriously to raising my daughter differently as a survivor of domestic violence, a cultural phenomenon that runs rampant in our communities due to the violence and trauma our ancestors have endured. 

So what I dug out of my dark feminine was the archetype of the “mean mommy” — the mommy who will talk down to you, tear you down, but then comfort and love you and give you great aftercare. I am firm, assertive, harsh, and in control in a demeaning way, but I’ll still love you and be tender to you and reflect back to you your own beauty and power. It’s kind of twisted, but that’s the fun of it. The paradoxes can live in our kink practices, that things don’t have to be black and white — they can be everything and nothing at all.

My kink practice allows me to have a safe space to be in that mean energy. Because I am not willing to explore that as a parent to my daughter, I instead choose to practice these themes, actions, and behaviors with consenting adults. What I often find is deep healing for everyone involved.

It all started with a Tinder match. We started exploring new things, including power exchange, which felt both empowering and a bit scary. After coming out of a long relationship, I wanted to rediscover who I was outside of everyone’s expectations. I spent my 20s married to my ex-husband, and I never really had a “slut phase.” It wasn’t that I was eager to start one, but this was a time for me to deeply examine what brought me pleasure and how I could manifest those pleasures in a controlled, healthy way. As I dissected my sexuality, I realized that some of it was rooted in darker desires.

Growing up, my parents weren’t super religious, but the culture itself was oppressive regarding women’s sexuality and expression. Through kink, I’ve been able to reframe those narratives and restructure my ideologies, finding pleasure in the taboo.

Power exchange, in particular, brings me a lot of joy. I especially love being of service. This kink allows me to reclaim and reshape my experiences with domesticity and traditional gender roles, which I was obligated to perform during my marriage. In the past, I was expected to serve, not just my husband but my entire family, with little appreciation beyond, “Good job doing what you’re supposed to do.” Reflecting on those times, especially within extended family settings, I see how women were valued based on how well they conformed to traditional roles. That was all I knew because it was what I observed and learned from the culture around me. Now, when I engage in acts of service within kink, I do so with genuine joy — not because it’s expected, but because I’m good at it, and it comes with praise, acknowledgment, and a shared goal of bringing pleasure. It’s about knowing my partner appreciates and recognizes my efforts and is invested in my pleasure, which is where I find true satisfaction.

I also really enjoy playing with sharps — needles specifically. Kink, and these activities in particular, have become tools for me to process life’s challenges, whether it’s past traumas or just the stress of the day. While I wouldn’t equate kink to therapy, it’s an imaginative and powerful tool that helps me navigate and process my experiences in a deeply personal way.