Awful Sex Tips: Maxed Out on Maxim Magazine

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It's Hump Day and we've all got that summer feeling! Birds are chirping, the sun is penetrating our bodies' general frigidity (pause), and the fragrant air is alight with late spring's bright blooms. Everyone's out of the house, which means cafe patios, parks, and pretty much everywhere romantic is overrun with couples getting off on the amazing weather. Well, guess what? They're all bored and sexless! But here's the good news:

Maxim

is here to help your man take the reins and navigate your relationship's first year of sex, from the super-hot first weeks, to the insipid ninth month where a quick roll on the couch during Thursday night's must-see lineup is all the action you see. And dudes, pay close attention: "Real women" are talking here.

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Getting To Know You: Three Weeks In

Sexpert tip:
"You’re probably dying to bump things up from PG-13 to an undisclosed number of X’s…[pick] a single raunchy move from your arsenal…and [ask] her nicely if she’d be up for giving it a go. You may be surprised to discover she’s got a freaky side somewhere, so really all you’re doing her is the favor of letting it out.

It's difficult to ask for freaky things, sometimes. Take "Sasha," for example, a completely factual person (I know, like, five Sashas and we're always getting mixed up during our lingerie-clad pillow fights!), who tells Maxim that she didn't know she was into getting spanked until her new boyfriend finally manned-up. What a gentleman. Needless to say, Sasha the Spanker was overwhelmed with relief. And since he asked nicely, which is pretty much the sexual golden-ticket.

Settling Into A Groove: Three Months In

Sexpert tip:
"What started as wine-me, dine-me, screw-me-in-the-taxi-home dating has now, after a few short months, turned into TiVo and takeout. Time to negotiate a precoital contract! Like Kristyn, 27, who conquered sex-life doldrums by instituting a 'sex every night' rule with her boyfriend."

Screwing in taxis? C'mon, Maxim. Who needs taxis when restaurants have bathrooms! "Kristyn" takes time off from her latest adult video shoot to aptly point out that treating sex as a chore is the number one aphrodisiac move out there for us ladies. No, really—chores like cooking and cleaning, for example, are what we're hardwired for, so this logic is just natural. That being said, Maxim also makes a good counterpoint: "Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay…when you do them, that is." Sexy! And if that doesn't work…

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Sexpert Tip:
"Your final line of offense: Offer to fix her a dish of ice cream, but get a little creative with it. Spoon a scoop into her mouth, then lick a little mint chocolate chip off her lips. Show off your tongue’s cherry-stem-tying abilities and tell her where you’d really like to put that whipped cream."

Okay. Effin' with my ice cream time is like asking to get cut. In the face. And honestly, you'd have a safer time hugging and kissing venomous cobras. Plus, this sounds like a yeast infection waiting to happen.

Making It Work: Six Months In

Sexpert Tip:
"Your first real fight comes with a built-in silver lining: steaming-hot make-up sex! Some chicks do get off on despising your guts. Heed Pam, 27: 'Am I the only one who likes hate sex? Don’t try to talk to me. Just fuck me in anger, please.' (And, no, you cannot have Pam’s e-mail address.)"

I'm so glad Pam, another one of Maxim's sage porno-aliases, weighed in on this, because when she's right, she's right. Oh, Pam. It's definitely a stroke of genius to try to touch an angered woman instead of giving her the space she deserves and probably needs, just as it is an excellent idea to spray down a hornet's nest with a hose in close-range. Our completely legitimate ire towards you is just cute, like when your little sister would come at you with fists a-flyin' only to be met with your steady palm at her forehead. And you can't have Pam's email address because she isn't real, silly.

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The Nine-Month Bitch: Nine Months In

Sexpert Tip:
"By now you know your girlfriend’s friends pretty well, especially 'the hot one.' Likewise, your girl has probably figured out which of the guys in your entourage hit on their buddies’ girlfriends relentlessly. Caveat: She goes first, and you can admit to crushing on any female except her BFF, who is strictly spank-bank-only material."

Jealousy? Spank-and-bank?! Now you're talkin' sexy! Nothing—and I mean nothing—gets us females more ready-to-go than talking about a completely possible, attainable instance of your infidelity. And with one of our close friends! Do behave.

We Did It: One Year In

Sexpert Tip:
"It’s time for the traditional first-anniversary gift: a weekend of marathon hotel sex! Darcy, 30, knows a guaranteed girl turn-on, perfect for a special occasion. 'Since I’m all gussied up already, we’ll do it on the kitchen counter or in the hallway against the wall—having sex upright prevents my hair from getting messy or my makeup smudged."

True innovations, from a true…person? I think? I digress. Anyways, that Darcy is always thinking ahead. And thank God for that. It's so annoying having our hair and makeup mussed in the throes of passion. It's all women think about during sex, actually. There you are, looking down at your girl, thinking about how her mind must be going to mush by all the incredible things you're doing to her body, but really, we're like, "No, no, no, don't kiss me again I have lip gloss on!"

Special shout-out to Sasha, Kristyn, Danette, Tricia, Pam, Darcy, and all the other great girls Vivid Entertainment sent over for testimonials.