Season six's big twist had the cast and crew returning to the haunted house for a three-day Big Brother-like sequel. This week, we see the outcome — and it ain't pretty. If this keeps up, we'll be stuck with only Dominic and Shelby for the next couple of episodes.
Chapter 7 opens with Sidney gleefully watching Dominic and Matt fight over Shelby in his production trailer. His big plan is paying off — where else could America get that kind of drama? It's all going great, until someone in the production room notices that one of their cast has just been stabbed to death by undead nurses.
Sidney is just about to rewind the footage when we hear a scream. The crew rushes out, only to find one of their assistants on the ground with her throat cut. We barely catch a glimpse before Agnes —or Crazy Butcher Actress, as she is known in my notes — cuts Sidney down. The cameraman, outside filming on Sidney's order, barely has time to take a step before becoming her next victim.
Back at the house, Audrey looks for her missing husband. “He’s not upstairs,” she explains to the gang.
“I told you, R is for Rory," Matt says. Killjoy.
Monae takes this opportunity to ask Matt what we all want to know: “If you’re so spooked, why did you come back anyway?” A valid query.
Everyone starts looking for Rory through the house, while Matt continues to grumble. Lee, wary of her already fragile reputation, is filming her own unedited version of events with her own camera. When they find a huge puddle of blood in the bedroom (how did Audrey miss that in her search?), the truth about how scary shit is about to get seems about to be revealed. But no, Audrey interprets the literal river of blood on the hardwood floor in front of her as Rory's (and Sidney's) sick way of telling everyone he's ditched his wife and left for a better role alongside Brad Pitt. Right. That makes total sense.
Meanwhile, Agnes has set up camp in the old root cellar and is creating her own reality show: Agnes Rants At Camera In Olde English. She's clearly lost her marbles.
Suddenly, the lights go out. When we finally see what's going on, Agnes is surrounded by the same stick crosses that haunted Matt and Shelby in My Roanoke Nightmare. Things are getting meta.
As if we needed any more reasons to love Cuba Gooding Jr. on this show, Dominic takes over the confessional booth — a must in any reality TV home — to admit that he's pretending to seduce Shelby in order to stir shit up for ratings. "Sid’s got me wired and ready to ruin these people’s lives and record every minute of it. If I have to play the dick in order for people to tune in for ratings, then that’s what I got to do.” Basically, he is the Bad Chad of Roanoke.
Shelby is still upset that Matt won't talk to her, and cries about it in her room when Agnes sneaks up on her with a cleaver and sinks it into her shoulder. It seems like this might be the end for Shelby, but Dominic intervenes. After overpowering Agnes, he turns to Shelby to stop her bleeding out. When he looks again, Agnes is gone.
Finally, our Scooby Gang realizes that something is off with this production. The phone lines have been cut, and they haven't heard from Sidney in quite some time.
Lee volunteers to go out looking for the production trailer — of course, she came packing. Monae, who still doesn't trust the woman behind her character, decides to come with. Audrey suggests they take the tunnel route, because that's worked out so well in the past. What must happen happens, and the three are cornered by a creature that looks like Rory but sounds suspiciously like Mr. Piggy. Lee shoots it/him four times, to no avail. The three women manage to stumble out of the tunnel and out onto the grounds, where we know they are no safer. The blood moon starts to appear.
After some extensive wandering, they come across the production trailer — and the bodies. Everyone is still trying to process the absurd amount of death when Agnes shows up, again. Lee shoots her, and it looks like she's down for the count.
Since they've come this far, Lee suggests they head into town for help. They're on the road when they see people with torches heading their way and hide in the woods to avoid them. Audrey is leaving a Blair Witch-style message to Rory when suddenly blood drips on her face. She looks up. Hi Rory!
He's a little worse for the wear — the nurses opened his stomach and strung him up in the trees. Not a good look.
But no time to mourn, Audrey. The Colonists are on the march. The three run deeper into the woods, only to be attacked by the Polks. Thought you'd seen the last of Mama? No such luck.
As all this is going down, Agnes, it seems, is not about to let a mere bullet stop her from achieving reality TV stardom. She films herself ranting again as she digs the projectile out from the wound in her side with pliers. Watch and learn, Sean Penn. That is true method acting.
Matt, on the other hand, is hearing voices in the night again. After kind of making up with Shelby and falling asleep next to her, we suddenly see him rise, as in a trance, and slowly make his way to the basement. (Is anyone else getting Dr. Harmond in Murder House vibes?) He passes Dominic, who follows him down.
Turns out Matt has a little late night romance appointment with Lady Gaga's wood witch. “I’ve been waiting for you," he says as she lunges at him.
Dominic, of course, rushes to wake Shelby and talks her into taking a little trip to the basement. He really is Bad Chad.
Shelby goes ballistic and starts pounding on Gaga. Unfortunately for her, it seems this sexy time is consensual. “I came back for her," Matt says. "I’m in love with her, Shelby, she’s the reason I came back."
Big mistake. Huge. Shelby loses it and kills Matt, splattering his head on the basement floor with a poker. I have to hand it to Ryan Murphy, I did not see that one coming.
If by chance all of this action has worked up an appetite, you're in luck! Mama Polk takes one look at Lee and orders her sons/cousins/brothers to season the meat, i.e. Lee's leg. Looks like Audrey and Monae are in for a well-spiced, tender dinner.
At this point, Shelby realises she has done something very, very wrong. Dominic comforts her but encourages her to turn herself in, confess and go quietly. (I literally laughed out loud at this — MAJOR O.J. flashbacks.)
There's a noise at the window, and Dominic goes to check, thinking Audrey, Lee, and Monae have returned. But nope, it's just Agnes again, ranting away with torch. She's verging into gibberish when the Colonists sneak up behind her. She turns to welcome them, only to come face to face with the Real Butcher, who cleaves her head in two. This land is hers.
RIP
Rory
Agnes
Sidney
Alyssa
Cameraman
Matt
Rory
Agnes
Sidney
Alyssa
Cameraman
Matt
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