Twin Peaks: The Return Part 13 Recap: There's Something About Dougie

The evil Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan, of course) returns! Our BOB-infested antagonist left us for a few episodes, only to return for the world's campiest fight scene.

Ray (George Griffith) was the one who offed — or tried to off — evil Agent Cooper in what was maybe the bloodiest death of the whole season. (And that's saying quite a bit. Never forget the ice pick murder.) In part 13, evil Coop is back to avenge his death on Ray. He enters what appears to be a drug-smuggling coven — a warehouse called the "farm" filled with seedy-looking men. Among the men is Richard Horne (Eamon Farren) and a bloke named Renzo, who looks like he's arrived from somewhere in the Marvel universe.

Ray sees his kill approaching and knows he's in trouble.

"Fuck. I killed that guy. He's the one I told you about," he says, nudging Renzo. It sounds like he's passing middle school gossip. You didn't kill him hard enough, Ray, because he's back.

Cooper enters and demands one thing: Ray. The men of the farm offer him something better: If he can win an arm-wrestling match against Renzo, then evil Cooper can be the boss of the warehouse. Coop, knowing a shoddy deal when he sees one, declines. He just wants Ray.

What follows is some very high-stakes arm wrestling. As scary as evil Cooper is, he's never looked all that strong. It's a testament to MacLachlan's skills that when he's on screen, I am 100% peeing in my pants. But when faced against Renzo, a bulky bald man with no eyebrows, Cooper pales in comparison. By the strength of BOB, though, he wins, and earns himself a moment alone (or semi-alone) with Ray.

Cooper wants the same thing Major Briggs wanted from Hastings: coordinates. This raises a couple of questions: Does he want the numbers that will lead to where the FBI found Ruth Davenport's body? Does he want to go home? If so, his mission just became 100% more sympathetic. Odysseus also just wanted to go home. He also killed a few people on the way.

Furthermore, Ray relays that Phillip Jeffries, He Who Is Mentioned In Every Episode But Has Yet To Materialize, sent Ray to kill Cooper. Jeffries is also the man who disappeared in 1989. (I would very much like for Jeffries to materialize. However, in the original series, David Bowie played Phillip Jeffries. Perhaps the show's David Bowie lookalike, Eamon Farren, will step in for the role?) Cooper wants to know if Ray spoke to Major Briggs, who is also Mentioned In Every Episode. Briggs, Jeffries, and Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer, not present in this episode) made up the Blue Rose task force that once investigated multi dimensionality. As Rosenfield is the last one of the three still kicking, I'd say his chances to last the length of the season are slim.

Ray brandishes a ring, telling Cooper that his instructions were to put it on him once Cooper was dead. Instead, Ray puts it on. Before Cooper offs him, he gets the info he needs — those sweet, sweet coordinates and information about Phillip Jeffries' whereabouts. Ray says Jeffries is in the "Dutchmans."

"That's not even a real place," he scoffs. Ye of little faith, Ray. After shooting him in the head, Cooper mutters, "I know where that is." Good on you, Coop. Maybe next episode we'll track down Jeffries? (Fingers crossed. I love a good reunion.)

In a goofy meta moment, the camera widens to reveal that Cooper and Ray's seemingly private interaction is being broadcast to the rest of the men at the farm, Richard Horne included. So, at least this group of people knows what Evil Coop is planning.

Dougie's pulling his own sort of Evil Cooper in South Dakota — turns out, he's so sweetly dumb that he's winning at this game called live. Two episodes ago, the Mitchums, instead of killing him, lavished Dougie with gifts. This episode, Dougie returns to Lucky 7 insurance with the Mitchums in tow; they're still uber grateful about all the money Lucky 7 gave them. The Mitchums bestow upon the Joneses a new car and a light-up playground for Sonny Jim.

Dougie's not in the clear yet, though — Mr. Todd (Patrick Fischler) still wants him dead. This episode, it's Anthony's (Tom Sizemore) job to murder him. Anthony works at Lucky 7 and doesn't seem too keen on killing another man. In fact, when he brings up the impending kill to his superior, he's lambasted as a "little pussy."

Sure enough, Anthony can't handle the murder, which is about as sweet as attempted murders. He purchases Dougie a cup of coffee — that damn good coffee is about to get a bad reputation — and dumps a load of poison in it. Before Dougie drinks it, though, Anthony pussies out, scrambling to admit his misdeeds. There's just something about Dougie, it seems. He's too innocent to kill. Although Mr. Todd doesn't seem like he's going to give up anytime soon.

The FBI might be onto Dougie — led by David Koechner as Detective D. Fusco, the team has discovered that Dougie's prints match one Agent Dale Cooper. The very same Dale Cooper who recently escaped from federal prison. Unfortunately, they're positive this information is wrong.

"That's a huge fucking mistake!" one laughs.

One of Twin Peaks' favorite symbols makes a triumphant return this week — cherry pie cycles though the episode, a (literally) sweet motif to keep us from wanting to murder the idiots around Dougie. Dougie gets a slice of pie just as Anthony prepares to murder him. Then, in the RR Diner, Shelly (Madchen Amick) lures her daughter Becky, distraught over the continuing disappearance of Steven, with cherry pie a la mode.

The pie is also a subject of intense discussion with Norma (Peggy Lipton), who makes the pies. The owner of the three RR diner franchises is concerned that the RR diner is failing, despite its high-quality goods. (This feels like a self-referential metaphor.) The other two franchises are doing much better, but Norma insists that she cannot change her practices. Don't go corporate, Norma! (That also feels like a self-referential metaphor. Stay weird, Twin Peaks!)

Lastly, there's Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn), who's still frantic about the location of Billy. (Last week, she said she was sleeping with Billy.) She has to go to the Roadhouse to look for Billy, but she can't wrap her head around it. Her husband Charlie (Clarke Middleton) suggests she's on drugs. He might be right, but Charlie's tired, condescending tone makes me seethe.

"This is existentialism 101," he says when Audrey confesses that she's questioning her existence. Just let the lady wonder about her well-being, sir. No need to mansplain.

At face value, Audrey's antics seem crazy — we have no context for her blathering, so we assume she's cuckoo banana pants. But, more likely, someone is gaslighting her.

"Who am I supposed to trust?" she hollers at one point. Charlie, with his spectacles and snarkiness, doesn't seem like the person. And Billy's disappeared. What's really going on with Audrey?

- Hutch (Tim Roth) and his partner-in-crime played by Jennifer Jason Leigh have a lot of questions about the Mormon faith. So do I.

- Why. Is. Shelly. Wearing. Heels. At. The. RR. Diner. She is a server! She should be wearing Dansko clogs or Crocs with socks.

- Sonny Jim flounced around in his playground to the music of Swan Lake. He had a trampoline and shimmering lights. It looked like the Great White Way. Sonny Jim is living out my playground dreams.

- With each week, I fall more in love with The Roadhouse scenes. It's as if the show lets us become a part of Twin Peaks. You just sit and watch a band perform with the rest of the town. (Including Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr.) This week, James Hurley (James Marshall) performed.