Keeping Up With The Kardashians Season 14, Episode 4 Recap: "Clothes Quarters"

This week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians happens to fall right after an important day in Kardashian and, perhaps, modern history – Kim Kardashian-West’s birthday. Happy 37th to the woman, the myth, and the legend.

We’ll see what sort of antics Kim got up to today next season. Last time, the mother of two (soon to be three!) was suffering from major anxiety due to paparazzi and her body image. Her sisters, her mother, and her good friend, Jonathan Cheban, have all tried to talk her down to no avail. Meanwhile, Kourtney Kardashian is going through major Scott drama. What else is new?

Kourtney feels like she like and Kendall have lost their sisterly bond. She invited Kenny to dinner, but gets rejected. Khloe advises her to just have some fun with Kendall and not be too stressed.

Kourtney crashes a lunch between Kris and Kendall and prays it won’t be awkward. Kourtney is dying for some sort of a connection and asks Kenny to come to Santa Barbara for wine tasting. She’s pumped that Kendall agrees, but Kendall seems less than thrilled.

Meanwhile, Kourtney tries to stay out of Scott Disick’s business after everything that’s happened, but after she gets a link to an article saying Scott needs rehab. She doesn’t know how to manage having separate lives and also keeping her children’s father alive.

Despite forcing Kendall into a day-trip, Kourtney is scared that it’ll be weird. She desperately tries to get Khloe to come with, but she doesn’t want to be Kourtney’s crutch. They’re sisters! Obviously, they’ll bond.

Big sister Kimmy is taking it upon herself to help Khloe with her fashion. “If I’ve already learned the tricks of the trade, there’s no reason I shouldn’t help her.” For someone who’s as stressed about their public appearance as Kim is, she probably shouldn’t be stressing Khloe, but that’s what big sisters are for, right?

Kim Kardashian has a proposition: “I can make your life so much cooler if I give you a makeover.” At first, Khloe is confused. She likes her style! “What sister are you trying to morph me into?” Khloe doesn’t really fit into any of her sister’s stereotypes. Kendall’s a “gazelle,” Kim and Kylie and the “sex-pots of the world,” and Khloe is just Khloe! Does she really need Kim’s help?

So here’s the plan: Kim and Jonathan sneak into Khloe’s home and pack her a second bag for Santa Barbara. Then, switch the bags out. Easy-peasy. As they traipse around Khloe’s home, eating sushi and making smoothies, Khloe still manages to get them back. They sit at Khloe’s off-limits dining room table and end up with soaked pants. Shoutout to whoever shampooed the cushions that day.

In the closet, Kim pulls out pieces, takes photos of the outfits, and packs them away neatly. The plan is a go.

And the ladies are off! Khloe, Kourtney, and Kendall take off in Momma Kris’ T-Bird for Santa Barbara. They make a pact to be present throughout the trip. Then, Kendall sees photos of Scott and some girl. Kourtney can’t even be bothered with that right now. She’s only concerned with keeping her alive.

When Khloe walks into her room, she’s utterly confused by this random suitcase. “Did you know about this?” she questions Kourt, who cannot keep a straight face at all! It’s such a good thing Kim kept her out of the loop. Luckily, Khloe isn’t mad! She decides to hire Kim as a stylist.

At dinner in Santa Barbara, a trip she planned just to reconnect with her sister and where she promised to be present, Kourtney Kardashian cannot focus. She’s constantly on the phone. Later, Kendall says that she’s aware Kourtney is texting a lot, but she totally gets that Scott is causing major drama.

Khloe is worried that Scott is just acting up so that Kourtney will pay attention to him. This cycle has been happening for over ten years. Now that there’s not one or two, but three kids involved, something seriously has to be done. Scott needs consequences. Everyone is contacting Kourtney to help Scott when it’s not really her problem anymore. She can’t deal with this forever. Khloe enlists Kim’s help to talk some sense into Scott.

The first thing Scott comments on is her nipples showing. “I’m just wondering if you guys are all going to have your boobs out for the rest of your life,” he jokes. But, of course, Kim isn’t fazed. She gets right to the point. Scott admits that he’s not in full control, but he wants Kourtney to have a good weekend. So, it’s all good for now.

After all the Scott drama, Kourtney is ready to let go and have fun. She and Khloe decide to prank Kendall in her sleep. They ask Twitter for help and decide to put chocolate in her butt. It was a completely failed mission, but even Kendall gets a good laugh.

The next day, Khloe is not feeling Kim’s outfit for the winery. The blazer’s cute and all, but they’re riding bikes through a vineyard, not at a business meeting. Everyone gets super drunk super fast. It doesn’t take long for Kendall to completely wipe out on an electric bike while in a purple fuzzy coat.

“She couldn’t have been in a more obnoxious outfit to fall off a bike in,” Khloe laughs.

The next day, Khloe forces her two sisters into full body mud masks so that they sit and get to the root of their problem: they never call each other! They decide to start talking to each other more and now they’re BFFs. Kendall tells this amazing story about how Kourtney acted like they didn’t know each other while at church and it’s so Kourtney. She can’t even deny it.

This year, Kendall, Scott, and Kourtney are all attending Cannes. Last year, it was all good until Scott spent all night partying. The sisters wonder whether this year will be any different…

Next week on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, we see all the events of 2017 Cannes Film Festival. Kourtney attended with a brand new guy and Scott flew off the walls. Months after photos took the press by storm, we finally get to see what was really going on. Personally, I Cannes-not wait both the drama and all the Cannes puns I’m about to deliver.