High School Feels Crazy, But This New Show Is Actually Insane

Brace yourself: This new TV series is about to make Riverdale look like Barney & Friends.

The full-length trailer for Paramount Network's new series Heathers dropped on Thursday, and the two-minute clip somehow boasts even more blood, snark, and R-rated one-liners than the entirety of the 1988 film of the same name.

Though the new TV series is based on Heathers (which starred Winona Ryder as the only non-Heather in the titular mean girl gang), it looks quite different from the black comedy that made a twisted mockery of high school life. In the original, the Heathers are the standard "mean girl" archetype: beautiful, thin, and fashionable, they were the clear inspiration for future squads like Mean Girls' Plastics. Here, the Heathers are still ultra-cool high school royalty, but so not your stereotypical cheerleader-types.

But don't expect the Heathers — or anyone else in this TV show — to be anything less than vicious.

"She looks like Jim Henson got in one last puppet before he died," proclaims Heather McNamara (Jasmine Mathews).

It's also probably not the show to watch with your grandmother. (Unless you have, like, an extremely chill grandmother.)

"I was hoping that all the sex you're having would finally deep-dick the quote-of-the-day out of you, but I guess not," retorts Heather Duke (Brendan Scannell) to the new, blonde Veronica (Grace Victoria Cox). He later declares "Oh. My. Clit!" at another salacious onscreen moment.

"Well suck my third nipple," drops HBIC, Heather Chandler (Melanie Field) in the lunchroom upon spotting Veronica.

But it's more than just aggressive language that could scandalise a viewer who has thought they've seen it all. While the original film certainly had plenty of violence (essentially, Veronica accidentally murders BFF Heather Chandler), Paramount Network's version of the story is going all-in on the crazy.

The two-minute trailer shows a body tossed off a roof. A roller skate cruising through blood. And, bizarrely, Shannen Doherty, hair adorned with the red scrunchie her character Heather Duke donned in the movie, firing a gun.

How very.

I think it's safe to say that the TV show won't be good ole' family fun — but it certainly looks fun, if potentially polarising. (The jury is still out for me on who is the true butt of the joke: High school, or the formerly marginalised people who are finally having their day in the sun?)

The new trailer is wild enough for me to eagerly await its premiere on 7th March.