Money Diary: Drag Queen In London Part II

Welcome to Money Diaries, where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking a cross-section of women how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period – and we're tracking every last penny.

Hi fans, it's been a year and I’ve got some news:

1. I got married to a rich Brazilian woman for visa reasons.

2. I had my bumhole bleached for the first time.

3. I got a book deal (they really don’t pay that well, fyi).

4. I turned into a hardcore Tory.

5. I am now disgustingly rich — you’ve heard of the 1%? Well, I am too rich for the one, and thus am just part of the percent. You’ve not heard of us? No, you wouldn’t have. Chances are, if you’re reading and not having someone do all your reading for you, then you’re not even close to the percent. Among the percent I am known for my gorjique sense of style: I only wear money and think poor people are gross and should stay poor because who else is going to do all my shit 4 moi? In our percent we do things like invest in companies and talk about working class people but instead call them "lower class" or, a personal fave, "the underclass" and we look at paintings that we own and say how we are thinking of redecorating and binning our original Klimt because, to quote Charlize Theron in that Dior ad: "Gold is cold."

I should mention that four out of five of those things are a lie and I’m still in my overdraft, but it was fun while that paragraph lasted, because if I’ve solidified any skill in the last year it's lying about stuff and getting money for it. Like I lied to HMRC (oops) and said I didn’t know how to do tax and they let me off a late fine. Truth is, it was desperate financial times and so I wrote a handwritten letter and spritzed it with Agent Provocateur fragrance and kissed it with a deep berry lipstick and sent it and they responded like, "We will let you off your tax fine you lil queen!" And I cried because I wouldn’t have had the money to pay the fine on top of the tax (which I eventually did).

I lied to a bank teller named Kim that I had no idea how I’d gone over my overdraft limit (I knew; it was Just Eat ofc) and sang Whitney Houston down the phone to her because her cat had just died and she literally let me off my fines, so stunning, and I got a round of applause from the people in the bank and Kim and I had a little cry on the phone.

Last year, when I did a Money Diary, commenters expressed concern over some of the money rules I had decided, so here are my revised rules, including responses to those comments:

1. Still no Tupperware. In fact, even less into Tupperware this year because of plastic pollution.

2. On the advice of some commenters I did indeed open a savings account and I put aside some money after I got paid and felt incredibly smug for about a month but then this pair of Balenciaga biker boots went on sale (down from £1,500ish to £450!) so of course I drained my savings and the rest of my overdraft and bought them. It was a good decision, although they’re a size too small and I burned a hole in the inside sole because I dropped a lit cigarette inside them at a house party as a joke but it’s not that funny in hindsight.

3. I have learned to cook one thing — spag bol, lol — and now I eat in the house one night a month! The rest, of course, I spend ricocheting from restaurant to restaurant, spending way beyond my means for no visible benefit other than stretch marks and people thinking I’m very glam.

So when asked to do another Money Diary I was tentative because I realised, appallingly, I have genuinely no new things to tell you about money. Except this: We’re doomed, spend it!

Industry: Drag performer, freelance journalist, just wrote a book!!
Age: 27
Location: London
Salary: According to my tax for the year before last I earned £15,707
Paycheque amount per month: Variable, between £800 and £3,000
Number of housemates: 3

Housing costs: £532.50
Loan payments: N/A
Utilities: £112
Transportation: £240
Phone bill: £41
Savings? So I was out of my overdraft for the first time in seven years for a month in August but, weirdly, I hit it again yesterday
Other: No