For some, the fantasy started with the image of a silk grey tie. Although the prose in Fifty Shades of Grey left much to be desired (and little to the imagination), it helped normalise bondage. Of course, others were into restraints long before E. L. James but the novel certainly played a big role in bringing the B in BDSM into the mainstream.

The kink can be a lot of fun — but communication is critical, says Myisha Battle, certified sex and dating coach. She tells Refinery29 that bondage play should involve “quite a bit of planning and talking through what's okay and what's not within the scene that is played out.”

Patti Britton, PhD, MPH and clinical sexologist, suggests going as far as taking classes or hiring a teacher. “My biggest message is: Get educated,” says Dr. Britton. “It’s important to know what is appropriate, what is safe, and to work 150% based on high levels of detailed communication, consent and negotiation. This is why the world of BDSM is such a model for the vanilla world or the non kinky people because there's such thorough communication that takes place before anything is done.” Because of the vulnerability and high levels of communication involved in bondage, Dr. Britton says this kink can bring partners closer together, enhancing feelings of intimacy.

While you wouldn’t be alone in thinking that bondage is just about restraint, it’s actually much more sophisticated than that, says Dr. Britton. “These are erotic power plays,” says Dr. Britton. “This is about really turning over your power to someone else, and yet maintaining your power at the same time.”

In addition to talking through the details with your partner, Battle also suggests asking yourself: What type of experience do I want to create? “The answer to this question will guide you toward the type of equipment you'll need, and provide you with words to communicate what you want to your partner,” she says. “For instance, do you want it to be playful, rough, or sensual? Do you want to be fully or partially restrained? Which body parts do you want to include?" Other factors to consider: do you want to be tied up, or do you want to be the one doing the tying? What types of bondage materials do you want to use?

Whether you're the dominant or the submissive, we're here to show you the ropes (sorry, couldn't help it). These Battle-approved positions and tips tell you everything you need to know to get started.

This story was originally published in August 2020 and has been updated.

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