Justin Bieber Will Remain In America Because Obama Said So

When Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI back in January, a petition was launched with the hopes of having him removed from the Home of the Brave and sent back to the Great White North. Well, said petition now has a staggering 273,000 signees, soaring past the 100,000 signee threshold needed for the White House to officially respond.

That means the Obama administration had no choice but to address the Bieber deportation issue — and it did (sort of). "We won’t be commenting on this one," the White House said in a statement, adding that it "may decline to address certain procurement, law enforcement, adjudicatory, or similar matters properly within the jurisdiction of federal departments or agencies, federal courts, or state and local government in its response to a petition."

Whoever came up with that loophole must have anticipated that one day a bright young boy would post some videos on YouTube, be discovered by a man named Usher, and then mutate into an egg-throwing, sizzurp-drinking megastar whose very existence would disturb a large portion of the populace, resulting in an outcry for his removal from the country.

Unfortunately for the U.S., it doesn't quite work that way. While the petition is a loud-and-clear statement that hey, Americans don't like Justin Bieber, the 20-year-old is still a murder charge or two away from actually being legally forced to leave the country. As a Canadian, I sympathize with not wanting another country's trash in your own backyard. I really do. Unfortunately. my petition to have Duck Dynasty removed from Canada's airwaves has just one signature. Mine. (Los Angeles Times)