Read This, Then Go Outside Immediately

Here's a question for you, big shot. When was the last time you felt the wind in your hair? Garbage wind from a train pulling into the subway station does not count. Wind experienced while you engage in a secret competition with the stranger jogging next to you also does not count. The only wind that counts is the kind that makes your hair fly around like Pocahontas. Well, get ready, because you are about to get all up in the wind, starting right now.

This is the summer when shit is going to get real. Realer than you ever imagined. You're going to barbecue eggs for breakfast and then turn right around and barbecue more eggs for lunch. And, then, just when they thought you couldn't 'cue any harder, you're going to barbecue some pineapple and eat it for dinner (seriously, try it). It doesn't stop there. You're gonna ride your bike and you're gonna wear shorts. Hell, you might even get a dog. A dog who wears sunglasses and brings you Kool-Aid. A dog with an attitude. This is going to be the best summer of 2014 of your life.

There's only one thing standing in your way. Truth is, you've got an addiction. To the Internet. If you think Will Smith is protecting you from robot overlords, you're wrong. They're already controlling your mind, and right now they are telling you that you need to spend 10 hours going through /r/seinfeldgifs while multitasking and working on your comprehensive analysis of Mariska Hargitay's haircut progression throughout Law & Order: SVU. But, you don't need to do those things! (Well, you do, but not immediately.) We're not suggesting you shirk your important responsibilities. We're simply saying that you need to learn to delegate these tasks, to yourself, three days from now.

This is what you are going to do: First, you're going to look at this, because it is important. That should take you about 40 minutes, because it's completely mind-bending. Then, you're going to put on some sunscreen, don a fashionable bucket hat that makes you look like a backwoods Minnesota grandfather dressed up for a night out, and get yourself to the nearest park and/or rooftop.

What you need to know is that we're doing you a favor, at our own expense. Yeah, sure, we'd love you to stay around and click on all our articles all day long and leave nice comments like you always do, but this isn't about us anymore. This is getting serious. You have a problem, and the gravity of this problem is directly proportional to the number of seconds you spend reading this article and not going outside. This is a fact, and several peer-reviewed studies have confirmed it. You probably know this already because you are up to date on these things, but these studies appeared last month in the scholarly journal Annals of the American Society for Research on the Weird Way Your Eyes Get Dry When You Stare at Your iPhone in the Dark.

It is really a magical Saturday, because it's a long weekend and therefore Sunday is Saturday, and Monday is Sunday, and today is a fake day when nothing you do has any consequences. Why are you inside? Why? What do you think this is, mother-fucking gourd season or something?