Greetings From A World Where Women Are Actually Equal

Giulia Rozzi is a comedian, writer, and the host of the relationship podcast Hopefully We Don't Break Up. The views expressed here are her own.

Hello from the future, a place that is completely 50-50. Yes, women can be intelligent without being called a “bitch,” and men can cry without being called a “bitch.” All bathrooms are unisex and, get this, they all have tampons and pads available for free. In fact, every woman in the entire world has access to free sanitary products. It’s nuts to think that back in 2016, 40 U.S. states were still charging sales taxes on tampons and pads, but there was often no tax on Viagra. Women everywhere now have control over their reproductive rights. They have access to birth control and access to healthcare, which greatly reduced the number of unsafe abortions and maternal deaths worldwide. And women who choose to not have kids are no longer scrutinized by others. Magazine headlines about female actresses screaming When are you having a baby? have been replaced with: We applaud you for choosing what’s best for you when it comes to family planning!

The fashion industry no longer uses the term "plus-size"; instead, clothing is just numbered and sold in stores that cater to all shapes. There is no pressure to be perfect, there is just encouragement and support to be healthy and happy in your skin. Skin that might have wrinkles and cellulite, because the beauty industry has stopped using scare tactics to pressure women into buying hundreds of dollars worth of miracle creams. Men and women are paid the same amount for the same jobs. Half of all CEOs are women, and the gender preface for many common job titles has been dropped from most people’s vocabulary. Yep, no more "male nurses." Female comedians — or "comediennes," for that matter — are a thing of the past. People are just people with careers. Just last week, I bought my niece a toy firetruck, and it wasn’t pink.

There are so many incredible working directors and heads of networks who are women. Movies and TV shows aren’t passed over for being “too female.” And people of all genders, ages, sizes, colors, and ethnicities are starring in shows that aren’t stereotyping based on their gender, age, size, color, or ethnicity. Tomorrow, I’m going to see that new movie about a woman who has lots of sexual adventures without being considered a slut. And at the end she finally falls in love with herself! Can’t wait! Half of all countries are led by a female head of state. And here in the U.S., we just elected our first transgender president! I thought we had made progress with our last president, who was a Latina and a lesbian, but this is a whole new level of exciting. I am just so glad that after the shit-show that was the 2016 election we decided to restructure the election rules so that any candidate who publicly insults women’s appearance or brags about grabbing a woman by the pussy automatically loses their nomination. What a relief! Speaking of unwarranted “pussy grabbing,” the judicial system here in the future has been doing such an excellent job punishing sex offenders and abusers. Rapists and batterers, even if they are star college athletes, are held accountable for their actions, and survivors of assault are no longer blamed and shamed for speaking out. This includes sexual harassment, as well. Your boss isn’t allowed to talk about your tits just because he has the power to fire you. Even online harassment has been met with repercussions: An “anonymous” troll who tweets “shut up cunt, you should be raped” has just committed what's considered a criminal offense. Thankfully, incidents of rape and domestic violence have dropped dramatically, because consent and anger management were added to the sex ed. curriculum at schools across the country. I haven’t seen a “get back in the kitchen you ugly fat bitch” comment on one of my Youtube videos in years! Human trafficking, forced marriages, and genital mutilation are no longer inflicting horror and terror on girls and women worldwide. Instead, women all over the planet are empowered with economic resources and equal education. In hetero relationships, the men and women negotiate their family roles: Some women study and work, while the men raise the kids. There is no judgment passed on which gender assumes which role. Cat-calling has been replaced by respectfully asking women, “How are you?” And if a woman doesn’t want to answer, that's okay, too! Women no longer need to fear being harmed for not accepting a man’s advances — they can even choose to not smile without anyone telling them otherwise. Being emotional doesn’t make you crazy. That ol’ “my ex girlfriend was nuts,” because she got upset when he cheated on her, doesn’t fly anymore. The only gas-lighting that occurs nowadays is him sparking up that stove and cooking her a nice meal after she has a long day working as an airline pilot. This is not to say that there are no mentally unwell women out there, but with quality healthcare access, most people are seeking treatment and support without being stigmatized. The overall vibe is that the possibilities are limitless. There are female magicians sawing male assistants in half! Men are meeting up more often for coffee dates to chat about feelings! It’s no longer us vs them — it’s us, and that’s it. Gotta go, I’m heading to the beach wearing a non-control top bikini, and my legs and underarms are hairy as f*ck. Did I mention I love the future?