My Abortions Were The Most Freeing Experiences Of My Life

After the fall of Roe vs. Wade in 2022, Texas enforced some of the most restrictive abortion laws in the country. These trigger laws, which are laws that take effect automatically after a specific event, effectively banned all abortions with the only exception being if the life of the pregnant person is at risk. But, the law’s vague language regarding those exceptions makes it even more difficult to navigate.

There are no exceptions for rape or incest, and doctors who provide care can have their license taken away, risk prison time, and pay a hefty fine. These laws don’t reflect the views of many Texas voters — according to a recent survey from the Texas Politics Project, nearly half want abortion to be more accessible in their state.

But for Texans, change isn’t coming any time soon. While measures to expand or protect abortion will be on the ballot in 10 states — Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Maryland, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, and South Dakota — Texas does not allow any form of citizen-led referendum, and the GOP currently controls the state’s legislature. Until that changes, Texas will likely not see abortion on the ballot.

For Texas citizens who need to access abortion care, visit ineedana.com.

Until Election Day on November 5, Refinery29 will be running real, powerful stories about abortion experiences in states where abortion is on the ballot or currently restricted. Here, Marie* tells the story of the three abortions she had in Texas before the trigger laws were put into place.

Name: Marie
Age: 30
Location: Texas
Pronouns: she/her

I was born and raised in Houston. I’m the daughter of immigrant parents — my dad is from Mexico and my mom is from Hong Kong. I grew up very religious. Abortion was not a word that was really ever spoken. I never thought that I would have an unwanted pregnancy, but I have always been pro-abortion as far back as I can remember. I’ve had three procedural abortions total: One in 2016, one in 2017, and one in 2018. The first time, I was a full-time student in college.

I had tunnel vision towards what I thought my future could be. I wanted to be a dentist, so I decided to study biology. I was with a partner that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but because of financial reasons, there was just no way I would be able to to move forward [with the pregnancy]. We didn’t have a sustainable source of income. For me, it was a very clear cut decision. Seeing a positive test when you don't want to be pregnant is one of the worst feelings in the entire world. You feel like everything is about to end. It was horrifying and it was miserable.

At the time, for me, getting an appointment was not difficult. The problem was getting the finances to help me with the procedure. The cost of the procedure at the time was around $600, and I was able to receive half of the funds through the Lilith Fund.

The hardest part of my abortion care was in the clinic. That is not to throw shade at the clinic. The providers are amazing and caring and wonderful people. [But] here in Texas, [lawmakers] want to scare the absolute crap out of you with a religious overtone. They’re hoping you change your mind even as you’re waiting in the waiting room. They're trying to make it a very emotional experience for you.

Even as someone who was so sure that this is what I wanted to do, sitting in that waiting room for my second appointment with a bunch of women who were in different stages of grief, it just was gross. It makes you feel like you're not a person who has rights. You feel like a prisoner, and then also you physically don't feel good. It is an incredibly isolating experience. You just want the day to be over, and it's a very long day. 

I wish, before I had received care, that people had opened up and talked to me about their abortions, because it would have been so much easier to know that I wasn't alone. [While waiting for my last abortion], I ended up getting sick of the silence. I struck up a random conversation with one lady, and then we turned into a group of six. It was the most positive experience that I could have possibly had. We wanted to share and we wanted to comfort each other, because we didn't have the people there that we wanted to just hold our hand to say that it's okay, it's going to be fine.

Senate Bill 8, also known as the Texas Heartbeat Act, was introduced in the state of Texas [in 2021] when I was fresh out of college. It prohibited abortions after a fetal heartbeat was detected, which can be around five to six weeks. It was very heartbreaking, because I know for a fact that those abortions have saved my life. I wouldn't be where I am today and I wouldn't be the person that I am today had I not been able to make that choice for myself back then.

When S.B. 8 came down, it just felt like it tore a hole in my heart. It felt like a piece of me inside broke. I had to try to find a way to help [people who needed abortions]. I now work in reproductive health, and that break turned into almost five years. I work with a local organization here and they mostly do advocacy based work and legislative work in the state of Texas. I am helping the Texas organizer with getting repro kits to people in our state, which essentially have all of the reproductive care essential needs within that kit.

Now, Texas has a trigger law in place and abortions are completely banned. There are no exceptions to that, even in cases of rape and incest, which is thoroughly disgusting. The only so-called exception is if there are if there’s any potential for the mother to die. It’s so ambiguously worded — we even had another case, Zurawski v. State of Texas. [Editors’ note: 22 plaintiffs were denied emergency abortion care in Texas and filed a lawsuit seeking clarifications on what circumstances qualify as medical emergencies. The Texas Supreme Court ruled against them and refused to clarify what “emergency” exceptions were under its laws.] We have women who are dying of sepsis because we have doctors who are so afraid to give them an abortion.

The word abortion is so heavily stigmatized [but] for me, it was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. It's a tool. Like money is a tool for you to reach financial freedom, abortion is a tool to allow you to reach actual freedom. That freedom to make my environment as optimal as possible [for my future family]. Even while I’m trying to think of my future and my family and that freedom, I still have real life responsibilities to take care of here and now.