Being a parent to young children can often make it difficult to have some alone time with your partner — just ask blogger Emma Lou Harris. On Wednesday, Harris shared a hilarious account of a time she and her husband had put the kids to bed and were ready to have a little uninterrupted intimacy.
After her husband had emptied the dishwasher without being asked, Harris said, they were ready to "hop on straight down to sexy town."
Just as things were getting hot and heavy, however, Harris suddenly heard something that made her "panic sweat glands jump into emergency mode busting open like a military operation."
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"There was nails digging and hair pulling and and headboards knocking and we were JUST about to be reminded whyyyyyyyyy the HELL I ever put up with this bollox leaving his crap all over the house when suddenly, 'Mammmmmmmmy??????????'" she wrote.
Upon hearing her daughter come into the room, Harris wrote, "my vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I've even had a chance to turn my head."
"I look up to see a moving smudge of colour in a 'my little pony' night gown rubbing its eyes and whinging," she wrote. "I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it's legally blind."
Her husband, meanwhile, wasn't faring much better.
"I watched him, almost in slow motion fly through the air in panic, the anaconda swerving all over the place threatening to strangle me to death in the act," she wrote. "Seriously, the thing nearly slapped me in the face and blackened the eyes off me on it's jump up there."
Their daughter, it turns out, just wanted some help looking for her soother.
Though Harris said that she isn't quite sure how much her daughter saw that night, "All I know is, if in the future, My poor poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin tapers where playing an aggressive game of twister, well, I guess I'll have my answer."
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As for Harris and her husband?
"Myself and Joe are due to finish our Trauma Counselling sometime in the year 2045."
Welcome to Mothership: Parenting stories you actually want to read, whether you're thinking about or passing on kids, from egg-freezing to taking home baby and beyond. Because motherhood is a big if — not when — and it's time we talked about it that way.
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