You’re Not An Empath, Actually

Raise your hand if you’ve heard someone call themselves an “empath”, or you yourself have claimed the label. It sounds virtuous, right? An empath is somebody who has a deep connection with other people, with nature, with animals, with wanting to help others, and they tend to be emotional sponges “absorbing the stress and negativity of the world”. This is how psychiatrist Judith Orloff defines it, who is considered an expert on the subject, also being an empath herself. Online there are plenty of quizzes to help someone determine whether they too are an empath — apparently you can find out in just 10-15 questions — but in an age of oversimplified online self-diagnosis, do too many of us think we’re this way and claim to be in order to look good? Orloff thinks so. 

One problem with the term empath is that currently it’s not a properly defined medical or diagnostic category. The closest term we currently have that is a legit “thing” is being a highly sensitive person (HSP), which was coined in 1996 by psychologist Elaine Aron. It’s when someone is easily overwhelmed by and is ultra sensitive to their environment. Like empaths, they pick up on the energy around them more deeply than most, but unlike empaths they don’t absorb it so much — rather, they are affected by it. So, the two aren’t the same. Orloff thinks it’s only a matter of time before empaths get the same official treatment. “Those of us talking about empaths are ahead of the curve. I think it will be scientifically accepted,” she says.

As nice as it might make a person sound, firstly, being a true empath isn’t an easy gig, and second, the chances are… you probably aren’t one. 1-2% of the population could be empaths according to the limited research we have (limited because it’s not yet an official diagnosis), which isn’t very high. And yet, chatter around being an empath in a more casual context has grown, though the experts aren’t sure exactly why now. On TikTok, where there are 761.7K posts under the empath hashtag, discussion of this is often in tandem with mental health, relationships with others, and spiritualism. It’s not official therapy-speak, but it’s joined the ranks in how people overuse diagnoses like narcissist (which, people often peg as being the total opposite of an empath). Atarah Valentine, an identity-based neuroplasticity coach and certified hypnotherapist says, “The word empath has become the new pop-culture buzz word. So many people wear it as a badge of honour.” So many people have claimed it as their identity. Orloff says, “The zeitgeist cracked open, and suddenly everyone wants to be an empath”.

You probably don’t actually want to be one, really. Being an empath goes beyond having empathy, which is an integral trait in understanding others. Some of us are better at it than others. But empaths, they often take on the emotions and experiences of others, sometimes to their detriment. Valentine explains: “I always jokingly say, being an empath simply means you’ve been rewarded for not having boundaries. While empathy is an important quality, true empathy means you can understand someone’s problem and see their perspective without making it your own. This idea of emotional absorption that we identify with being an ‘empath’ very often ends in resentment.” He even argues there might be a selfish ulterior motive subconsciously happening, which is to create a heightened sense of connection or safety with others. “This reinforces really unhealthy patterns and deep levels of codependency that ultimately create pressure and responsibility on both parties involved.” Being an empath can actually make relationships harder to navigate if you aren’t able to balance what you take on from others.

Many of his clients claim to “feel” more than other people, and so think they are empaths. “That isn’t a superpower though,” Valentine says. It’s a sign that the way you deal with emotions is hyperactive, dysregulated, he believes, adding that hyper-vigilance shouldn’t be mistaken for empathy. There are so many reasons someone might behave this way, like heavy childhood trauma. That state usually doesn’t arrive from a place of peace, and it probably isn’t about being an empath. In fact, Valentine believes in some cases, people use empathy as a get-out-of-jail-free card when they simply just don’t see eye-to-eye with someone. Instead of working through it, they bail. “The irony is we have an individual who says they are so emotionally receptive, sensitive, and attuned, but when they don’t know how to navigate something with another person they are so quick to blame the other person for making them ‘feel’ something. Which is actually a total lack of true empathy and accountability.” He isn’t the only critic of this behaviour. Paul Bloom, who wrote Against Empathy, makes the case for “rational compassion” and argues that empathy is at the root of societal inequality; that who we can empathize with is heavily skewed by things like who we find attractive. If we think of being empathetic as being inherently good, he disagrees.

But let’s say someone genuinely meets the criteria and is an empath and has good intentions. Orloff, who wrote The Empath’s Survival Guide, says the “treatment” for empaths is “to learn behavioural skills, to learn how to center yourself and develop good boundaries”. That way you get to enjoy the benefits that come with being empathic (like connecting more easily with people) without being burdened by the cons. “In the beginning people describe it as a curse because they have no idea how to set boundaries or to stop the energy from coming in [from others] or to center themselves or to learn how to say ‘no’ even,” she says. “Part of my work is to teach people practical skills, how not to absorb the emotions of other people. It's none of their business from a codependency point of view and it's not healthy for the other person or for them.” Orloff said she too had to learn this for herself, having “suffered a lot” in her youth because she didn’t quite understand why she was experiencing people and the world differently. “I hated being an empath as a child because I didn’t have any guard posts, I didn’t have any rules, I didn’t even know what it was.”

Once empaths learn how to keep their emotions in check and limit what they take on from others, Orloff believes it’s actually an empowering and joyous way to live. She now wouldn’t trade it for anything. “Once empaths develop skills, boundaries and discipline, all the beautiful gifts can come out,” she says. “If you learn how to enjoy the beautiful intensity of life and the flow, you have all this empathy once you learn to work with it. And you can connect to your dreams, you can connect to nature, you can connect to animals, to people.” Orloff thinks the positives associated with empaths might be why so many people claim to be one.

But, who gets to be one? Orloff believes it’s something you’re born with, or it’s something you can learn in life, usually at a young age. “The only way I've seen an adult become an empath if they weren't before is through extreme trauma and stress, such as by being absorbed with what's happening in the world. I've seen so many people turn into empaths because they're being so bombarded by this negativity in the world and horror everyday that their defenses get worn down and they become very sensitive all of a sudden.” Does that mean we’re going to get an influx of more people identifying as empaths in the wake of all the political injustice happening right now? That remains to be seen. It wouldn’t be a bad thing, though, having more empaths, at a time when arguably empathy is in an extreme drought. Maybe it’s best we all aspire for that human skill first.