For Only $225,000, You Can Live Out Your Goth Funeral Home Fantasies

Are you goth? But no, like are you really goth? Do you fancy yourself a modern-day Wednesday Addams? Does the prospect of living in a haunted mansion excite you? If so, there is a place for sale in Baltimore, MD that might be your dream home — or maybe nightmare.

Located just south of Baltimore's downtown, this house features at least four coffin-shaped fixtures — including an actual coffin. Filled to the brim with guillotine art (yes, that's a thing), Grim Reaper decor, and a faux hearse embedded into the wall, for just $225,000, you could make this your final resting place. Or at least your home for now. The one-bedroom home boasts a modern, monochrome funeral home aesthetic throughout. And don’t worry, as far as realtor Matt Godbey knows, the previous owner was not a vampire. Probably.

The 1,514-square-foot, one-bedroom and one-bathroom home was built in 1940, and while there’s no guarantee there’s a ghost in-residence, there’s no guarantee there’s not a ghost — it would just not be a super-old ghost, so, like, a boomer ghost. If somehow you are still not planning your move to this haunted house in the making, what if we told you that we looked it up on Google Maps and it was only a short distance from a park? See? Even the spookiest places have to have some charming features in order to lure you in. Even funeral homes are all about curb appeal.

Haunted or not, we would be remiss to skip over the outdoor space. Did we mention the giant spider web above the large, 14-foot stone wet bar? Imagine the backyard parties you could host! There are even a fire pit and a haunting mural along the side of the detached garage. This is definitely the home of someone who hosts the best Halloween party every year.

If you’re still not sold on the place just yet, what if we told you that the lofted bedroom has an entire mirrored enclave perfect for a gothic, four-poster bed? If funeralcore is your thing, we can’t imagine wanting to live anywhere else. 

In an interview with Slate, Godbey said that the home listing photos are actually a toned down version of how the place is normally, noting: “Well, you should have seen it before.” We imagine he said that in a haunted lilt before staring off into the distance for dramatic effect, then continuing: “He somewhat neutralized it. Some of the things in there, I told him, will frighten people. There were about 25 mannequins in the basement and some upstairs.”

Did he say basement? Yes, he did. Rounding out the house is a finished basement which we think is meant to be turned into a home theater for legendary horror movie marathons. It is that room’s destiny and we cannot be convinced otherwise. Did he say 25 mannequins? Yes, he also did, but we're not even going to touch that because it's actually too scary for us to contemplate.

You know what they say: Nothing haunts us like the things we didn’t buy. And, you know, the thought of more than two-dozen mannequins in a basement.