You’re not imagining it; dating seriously sucks right now. Nearly half of the adults in the U.S. are single, dating has gotten harder for people, and tensions are high: 70% of Gen Z report feeling stressed about their love lives, followed by 57% of millennials who find dating just as distressing.
As if putting yourself out there wasn’t intimidating enough, many Latinas experience exoticization and fetishization due to racialized sexism and cultural stereotypes from people of all genders and backgrounds, even other Latines. Potential matches may sexualize Latinas, particularly Black and brown women, because of their bodies, sensualize the color of their skin, and make racially charged comments about their hair. Beyond appearance, Latinas have to deal with limiting clichés, like being talented in the kitchen or spicy in the bedroom.
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This can feel dehumanizing and, at times, prompts many to give up on dating altogether. While the onus of correcting this behavior should land on the perpetrators who reduce Latinas to their physical qualities and tired cultural tropes, those who want to date must armor up and remain on guard because the person they’re dating might only be into the idea of being with a Latina.
Refinery29 Somos interviewed four Latinas about their dating experiences, how they have confronted the challenges that arise because of their ethnicities, how they practice self-care to recover from those moments, and how they meet better matches.
Carmen Rodriguez, Puerto Rican
Growing up in the suburbs of Westchester, New York, I was the only Carmen in my entire school district. I felt too white for my Puerto Rican family members and too Puerto Rican for the white kids I grew up with.
Up until my late teens, I was told my whole life that my Latina traits were weird. As an adult, I was told they were sexy. It was confusing and conflicting. If I hadn’t been fetishized, I think I would've accepted myself a lot sooner in life. I came out as gay in my early 20s, and I went out on a lot of dates. I didn’t think about the qualities I wanted in a partner; I just wanted a girlfriend.
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"If I hadn’t been fetishized, I think I would've accepted myself a lot sooner in life."
Carmen Rodriguez
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Growing up I hated my name. At the time, there was a prominent Latina character whose name was also Carmen on the TV show The L Word. I was talking with a white woman on a dating app and she said, “I’ve always wanted to date a Carmen like from The L Word.” Other women would say things like, “You must have a crazy temper,” “You must know how to cook really good food,” “You’re so spicy,” or “Say something to me in Spanish.” I was in my 20s, insecure, and not comfortable with myself, so I figured if this is how I get more women to date me, I should lean into their stereotypes. It was the easiest and quickest way to get the satisfaction I wanted, but I would always feel so cheap and gross afterward.
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I took a huge step back from dating at that point. It was really lonely. I thought to myself, “What am I doing? Am I going to be alone forever?”
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"Finding communities of people like me was helpful in combating that feeling of loneliness."
CARMEN RODRIGUEZ
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I realized I needed to change my approach to dating. There’s no problem with my white friends, but there's a cultural aspect they just don’t understand. I wanted to be more intentional about spending time with more queer people of color and building relationships as friends. I went to queer parties like Arrebato, Whorechata, and Papi Juice that are specifically for Black and brown people.
While solo traveling, I also used the app Lex where, yes, there are people who are, for example, looking for an orgy, but there are also people like me looking to participate in queer knitting circles.
Finding communities of people like me was helpful in combating that feeling of loneliness, and I finally felt like this was the gay experience that I was looking for.
Isabela Buitrago, Colombian
Ever since I was a young girl, I feel like I’ve been fetishized for merely existing. If other girls at school wore crop tops and shorts, it was fine, but Latinas, including me, would immediately be bullied or called “slutty” for wearing the same thing.
In high school, I felt completely alienated because I couldn't have a normal teenage girl dating life. I used to talk to a white guy on my high school’s basketball team, and he asked me to do something inappropriate in front of the whole basketball team. I used to accept this as normal behavior as a teen, but when I got older and started dating as an adult, I realized I was getting disrespected, fetishized, and harassed on the regular.
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"Ever since I was a young girl, I feel like I’ve been fetishized for merely existing."
Isabela Buitrago
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As an adult, I’ve continued to have experiences with cis-hetero men hypersexualizing me or fetishizing me for being a bisexual Latina. In my experiences dating white men and Latino men, even educated men who I expect to have some decorum, they have asked me the most invasive and uncomfortable questions.
After dates like that, I’ve gone home and experienced borderline panic attacks because they remind me of the trauma I experienced of being hypersexualized in high school. I dwell on what I should have said, or how I should have stood up for myself, or how I let these men get away with saying those things to me.
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"It’s hard to form connections with people and like them only to later find out you were just a turn-on for them because they liked you for your physical features, or for your accent, or because you speak Spanish."
ISABELA Buitrago
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I want people to know how this impacts our self-esteem. It’s hard to form connections with people and like them only to later find out you were just a turn-on for them because they liked you for your physical features, or for your accent, or because you speak Spanish. It’s important for Latinas to continue to build our confidence and not get discouraged. Don’t limit yourself to dating just a specific group of people. You have the power to date anyone you want, regardless of gender, race, or religion.
Some of us settle and some of us are still figuring out how to date, but that doesn't mean we can't take that power back.
Bianca Flores, Mexican
During my graduate school years, I dated a white guy who seemed culturally sensitive. He knew Spanish and appeared to appreciate my culture, but he was using this to attract many Latinas. He advertised his love for Latinas on dating apps and ended up being unfaithful, making me feel foolish and fetishized. I even questioned my own judgment, like how did I miss those red flags? I felt bamboozled and foolish. It was a painful realization that someone was exploiting my cultural background for their gain.
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"It was a painful realization that someone was exploiting my cultural background for their gain."
Bianca Flores
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I ignored small red flags, but now I end relationships early if I detect fetishization. I've learned to avoid engaging with people who don't understand or respect my culture. If it’s with close friends, I confront fetishization by using a curious and compassionate approach to understand their perspectives. However, with strangers, I don't engage and simply move on.
I now seek relationships with people who respect my culture and have the emotional and intellectual capacity to understand it. This has led me to date more Latino men, although this isn't a perfect solution either as they are still men and are still subject to the socialization of men.
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"Fetishization isn't a problem with us; it's a societal issue."
BIANCA FLORES
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Fetishization isn't a problem with us; it's a societal issue. People should understand the emotional toll it takes and respect cultural nuances. It's important for people to do the self work and understand that we are not objects. These experiences taught me that fetishization isn't a reflection of my worth. They shaped my approach to seek genuine connections and avoid those who don't respect my culture. I focus on my response, maintain boundaries, and seek relationships with individuals who respect and understand my culture.
Flavia Cornejo, Peruvian
I dated a Latino guy who thought it was a compliment to call me a “spicy Latina.” He would say it throughout our conversations, and I wasn’t sure how to react at first. For a while, I tried to laugh it off, but it made me feel uncomfortable. When I finally confronted him about it, he didn’t seem convinced there was anything wrong with what he was saying.
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Even after I made my feelings known, he continued to call me “spicy.” We didn't stop talking because of this, but looking back I wish I had been more adamant about having him stop because it wasn't necessary. If he wanted to compliment me, he could have said many other things instead.
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"I tried to laugh it off, but it made me feel uncomfortable."
Flavia Cornejo
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I’m also currently in a partnered relationship, and though I haven’t felt fetishized by him, there was an instance at the beginning of our relationship, less than a year in, when I recall him telling me that he told some friends he was dating someone but didn't tell them I was Latina. I asked him, “Why not?” He responded by saying he didn't want them to assume something about me. It has always stood out in my mind.
Before meeting my current partner, I would use dating apps and go on dates. Before meeting in person, I'd try to get an idea of any comments the person would make, if any. Sometimes it didn't happen through text but would in person, and I knew that I would never go out with that person again. In my experience, someone who fetishizes others will make some type of comment related to it because to them they see it as a compliment.
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"In my experience, someone who fetishizes others will make some type of comment related to it because to them they see it as a compliment."
FLAVIA CORNEJO
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Being fetishized always makes me feel uncomfortable, but I may not always voice exactly how I feel inside so as to not make the other person uncomfortable. This was definitely the way I would go about it when I was younger. If it were to happen now, I wouldn't even entertain those actions.
Interviews have been edited for clarity and brevity.
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