An Ode To The One Friend Outside Your Friendship Group

The top three WhatsApp groups that I have contain 15, 10 and 22 members respectively. The very idea of having to send the ‘are people free this week?’ text makes me want to take deep yoga-style breaths. The eventual poll taking, back and forth on date choices and chasing people when they inevitably read the message on the toilet and forget to respond, is enough to stop people wanting to organise group get togethers entirely. Enter: the one-on-one friendship.

The one-on-one friendship (as it shall hereby be known) is the sweet and simple friendship that exists outside the realms of group dynamics. While it happily requires texting just one person, it offers so much more than just easy organisation. Crucially, this is not the same as meeting up with one friend from your friendship group, instead, this friendship has little to no attachment to the rest of the people in your life and exists in its own eco-system.

While I have incredible, life-long friendship groups, sliding into a slower and more intimate dynamic with my group-outsider bestie is one of my favourite things to do. We share a passion for the arts, she makes me laugh constantly and most importantly, I walk away from every meet up feeling truly cherished, something I think can only come from building a relationship with just one other person. Regardless of how amazing your friendship group is, large group settings inherently lack this type of intimacy, offering little time to dig into the deep stuff when you have to make space for everyone during hang outs. 

According to relationship therapist and Counselling Directory member Fiona Van Zyl, one-on-one friendships can allow for a deeper level of relationship to evolve. “The level of reciprocation and interchange in an intimate companionship often means that friendship needs are met at a greater depth. Becoming mutual confidantes, having shared interests and experiences, receiving more concentrated attention, being seen and having someone really get you can all be the benefits that accompany one-to-one friendships,” she explains.

Zahra Onsori, a 26 year-old student feels this way about her one-on-one bestie she met at an old job. “I think I can be quite vulnerable with her… I think because she has no attachment to my history, it's easier to share my feelings,” she explains. Amy Tadgh, a 35 year-old designer feels similarly about her one-on-one friendship offering a safe space. “I enjoy having a friend that exists outside my core friendship group because I’m quite a private and quiet person and find it hard to confide in a large group which may have multiple views and opinions,” she explains.

The confidentiality aspect of the one-on-one friendship is something that Van Zyl echoes: “People may feel more comfortable sharing private information one-on-one as there is often a perception that there is less risk of being judged, or private information being inappropriately shared when there is one confidante,” she says.

Of course, it would make sense that certain types of people may gravitate towards this type of friendship dynamic. According to Washington-based relationship therapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy Liz Kelly, personality types often feed our relationship desires. “Some people may thrive on the energy of a group gathering, where others feel more restored and energized by a deep conversation with a close confidante. Introverted individuals tend to reenergize by time alone or with a few close friends, while extroverts gain energy from social settings,” she explains.

But while it may seem like a simple formula of deciding your personal friendship vibe, it is also important to consider what type of friendship issues you are willing to take on too. “People can get very comfortable with those that they know well and at times this may lead to taking someone for granted, speaking or behaving in a thoughtless, perhaps even disrespectful manner. Knowing another person very well and spending a lot of time in their company can amplify faults and eccentricities which can result in a reduction in the positive feelings towards the person,” Van Zyl explains.

On top of overfamiliarity, intimate friendships can also face challenges when it comes to lack of third party support.“I think the benefits of the one-to-one friendship is that you get to focus on each other, but with that being said, you have to face each other,” says 23 year-old writer and barista Melina Cavella, who met her one-on-one bestie a year and a half ago at university. “There's no third or fourth friend to run off to when you want to avoid a problem or get something off your chest.” This confronting honesty is something 38 year-old freelancer Lianne Bell, echoes, having been friends with her one-on-one bestie since infancy. “I think you can't hide with one-on-one friendships. If you're an absolute dick that person is gonna know and they won't stick around,” she explains. 

So, in a friendship dynamic that feels more exposing than most, how can we keep them healthy? According to Van Zyl, like any relationship, communicating is key: “Communication can facilitate healthy boundary setting: being kind and clear and assertive if needed. Respecting yourself and others helps to promote healthy boundary-keeping so that friendship is a place where each person can thrive on both an individual and a friendship level”.

Another must is still making time for yourself to avoid falling into co-dependency. “The potentially intense nature of intimate friendships means one’s own voice can get lost and your identity can merge with that of the friendship, so finding time to connect with oneself is important. Staying true to one’s own likes and dislikes and value system and not compromising these essentials for the good of the friendship is another way to keep a healthy level of separation, reducing the likelihood of becoming overly dependent,” Van Zyl explains.

Ultimately, the one-on-one friendship is a precious dynamic that requires a true commitment to another person. To truly cherish it requires being consistent and showing up for the person when they need you. While group dynamics may allow for a more lax and easy approach to friendship, the one-on-one dynamic means putting in the extra effort to be reliable, have regular check-ins and provide proper emotional support. In a society rooting itself more and more in individualism by the day, the act of deep friendship can feel as radical as it does wonderful. It doesn’t matter if someone doesn’t connect to other people and areas of your life, all that truly matters is that you matter to each other.