The Sobremesa Nurtures Safe & Healing Conversations. So I’m Reviving the Ancestral Ritual

The moment you hear the clattering of the tin kettle, sugar, instant coffee jars, and mismatched tazas as they bump into each other on the glass-bottom tray, you’re signing up for several more hours of lively conversation. While for some cultures serving coffee signals the winding down of a gathering, for many Latine families, including mine, it meant the convivio was just warming up. The coffee tray and panesito’s grand entrance is an open invitation for guests to stay late into the evening. Like clockwork, the adults grab their seat and linger around a dinner table, a fire pit, or la sala to enjoy the sobremesa hasta que el cuerpo aguante.

The sobremesa, which translates to "over the table," was a tradition I grew up with in Southern California. The vibrant conversation encouraged us to enjoy each other’s company without glancing at the clock. Soon after we shared a meal, we cleared the plates and made space for what my Mexican family considered the best part of the night. I witnessed the magic that happened during la sobremesa: We felt safe to fully express ourselves, allowing the overflow of anecdotes, stories, jokes, sayings, and advice as we enjoyed una taza con café con leche o con piquete late into the gathering. 

While my younger siblings and primos played in a corner or fell asleep around the house, being the oldest granddaughter earned me entry into this enthralling ritual. Although it was clear to me that the unspoken rule was that only the adults had actual seats, I went unnoticed by standing at a nearby doorway, offering to help clear the table, or simply hanging around one of my favorite tías. To me, listening to the overlapping laughter, chatter, and background music helped me feel closer to Mexico, a world so different from mine. 

From my earliest memories, the sobremesa was a sacred space that was more grandiose than the meal we shared right before. It was as if someone drew back the telón to unveil the main act: the interactions that could only take place under those circumstances. It was there where I learned how to savor a good ‘ol cup of coffee and fell in, out, and back in love with my roots and culture. 

“The sobremesa creates a nurturing, safe space where people feel comfortable opening up about both fun and difficult topics that bring about a sense of comfort and nurturing that is essential for creating and maintaining meaningful human connections — something our current generation could greatly benefit from,” Marilyn Mejia-Peña, LCSW and founder of Resilience Social Work Inc., tells Refinery29 Somos. “Consistent, positive interactions with adults can lead to better social skills, better mental health, and fewer behavioral problems in youth.”

As one of the tías of a new generation of elders, I want to continue the tradition in a way that’s accessible to my nieces and nephews so they’re not just on the outside looking in; I want them to actively participate. Making the sobremesa a multi-generational safe space will serve as the key to carrying on our family’s customs. Had I not grabbed a seat at the table without an official invitation, I wouldn’t have the privilege of being one of the keepers of my family’s history. It is because I soaked up every moment that I can, at any moment, close my eyes and conjure up my family’s stories. I can retell their stories of separation, poverty, abandonment, and heartache and how they coexisted with bravery, spiritual richness, resilience, and hope. To me, they are even more important now, as our table becomes emptier since some of our elders who were once fixtures are no longer around. And as time goes on, especially if our youngest are not a part of the sobremesa, there will be fewer of us to tell these tales. 

But I don’t want to lose the memories of our larger-than-life protagonists, the inside jokes, and the tender instances that rooted me during childhood. I feel a sense of inner urgency to keep the sobremesa ritual alive. And I believe this new generation of tías are at the right moment in time to intentionally set the table, make space, and invite their peers and  younger family members to take a seat at the table and partake in the beauty of conversation and the privilege of being able to disconnect from the world to connect with your loved ones. 

To carry on this tradition, we must identify the wisdom holders in our families and ensure they have an opportunity to engage with the younger generations in conversation because it can help everyone grow. If we do not make these efforts we run the risk of losing much more than our ancestors and their stories; we will lose the opportunity to learn about ourselves. 

“The sobremesa is truly magical, and it’s provided me with superpowers that have been invaluable in my social work career,” Mejia-Peña says, thinking about the impact the sobremesa has had on her personally and on her 26-year career as a social worker. “For our Latine families, who may not always have access to therapy services, the sobremesa serves as a crucial protective factor for mental health and overall well-being.” 

As I look back, I can say the sobremesa changed me fundamentally as a person who now wants to ensure my family is nurturing the next generation of wisdom-holders. And as I eagerly take up the mantle, I feel happy to know that while the little details — the music, the aesthetic, and the location — made a difference, they aren’t what matter most. The most important part of the sobremesa is being surrounded by the people with whom you want to share un cafecito as you invite them into your memories.