Awful Sex Tips: Cosmo Pushes Some Slippery Boundaries

Last week, I took you on an illuminating journey deep into the mind and mating rituals of the average Men's Health magazine Don Juan. And as a self-proclaimed cultural adjudicators, I'd be wildly remiss to not cross over to the other side of the gender spectrum this week to prod the bizarre sexcapades enjoyed by Cosmopolitan readers, which are many. Whether you're dabbling in a summer fling or are attached-at-the-Cartier, Cosmo's just bursting at the seams with vital information on everything you need to know to spice up your love life.

Sexpert Tip: "Use silicone-based lube to give each other pre-nooky rubdowns."

Dudes, the only thing you should be rubbing "pre-nooky" is your wallet. Nah, I'm just kidding! While warm, affectionate moves are totally necessary to preheat the oven, I'm slightly skeptical of the swoon-factor garnered by slopping around in translucent goo. Then again, leaving bizarre, permanent stains on your beautiful, cream-hued sofa is the stuff of romance. Cosmo further explains the tantalizing skill behind slathering your mans in synthetic chemicals…

Sexpert Tip: "Get a soft-haired paintbrush and 'paint' him with lube. He'll be dying by the time you're done."

Personally, I'd imagine this technique would be best practiced in an NYU dorm while experimenting with peyote during finals week, but regardless, I'd be totally psyched about a real reason whip out those super-expensive Bobbi Brown makeup brushes Mom gave me for Hanukkah. And because, as you know, product is key...

Sexpert Tip: "Mix a few flavors to create new combos, like strawberry-banana."

Artificial Piña Colada flavoring will get your boo stupid sexy. Believe me. Added bonus: Mixing flavors of lube makes for the perfect opportunity to pair that lovely Napa Valley white you two have been squirreling away for a special occasion. 

Sexpert Tip: "One thing silicone types are perfect for: shower sex (they don't rinse off the way natural lubricants and water-based varieties do). So, keep a bottle next to your shampoo for spur-of-the-moment ideas."

Cosmo truly is the vox populi of us ladies. Unrealistic porno fantasies combined with adorable shower accessories? Co-sign! However, the total downer that Nerve's Ben Reninga is points-out a pesky logistical SNAFU with keeping a giant, hand-pump bottle of lube in your bath: Ever groggily hop in the shower without contacts in? Yeah. 

Sexpert Tip: "Instruct your guy to hide behind the door and 'surprise' you by taking charge when you get home one night. He can either have his way with you right in the foyer, or pull you into the bedroom. Or let him know that you’re in the mood but want him to conquer you…even if it means wrestling you to the bed as you try to slip out of his grasp."

Take me now, you sexy beast, you sexual assailant, you! While blatantly misogynistic rape fantasies are clearly at the forefront of any forward-thinking couple's sexual agenda, hiding in-wait for your significant other and unexpectedly popping-out at her is a surefire way to either make your girl cry, call the cops, or break your jaw. (If it were me, I'd break your jaw.) And really, what is more arousing than smeared mascara and getting slapped with an assault charge? While you're at it, you might as well sweeten this delicious erotic morsel with a ski mask and some harsh language. (Don't.)

Sexpert Tip: "A forceful touch snaps your guy into the moment and heightens every sensation that follows…The spontaneity also keeps him anticipating each touch, magnifying his excitement... Plus, the implied roughness invites him to tap in to his primal, wild sexual self."

Ladies, brush your shoulders off! If the surprise ambush and ensuing struggle didn't get your rocks off as thoroughly as you both had hoped, why not rough-up your man a little? Personally, I suggest a power-play bedroom move I like to call the "Shock-and-Awe": Look deep into your lover's eyes while enjoying a sensual, top position, then when he least expects it, deliver a full-on slap to his face. (Again, don't.)

Sexpert Tip: "Do something unexpected with toys you already have lying around the house, [like a] rolling pin: Run this baker’s basic over his back and thighs during an erotic massage."

There are so many other, sexier culinary tools to get weird with (the whisk, for example), this selection just seems lazy. Or incredibly innovative. I don't know! But what is even more unimaginable than massaging your partner's hindquarters with a rolling pin is how you'd introduce this baking instrument into foreplay. "Hey baby, I got a really wild idea involving that Williams Sonoma gift certificate your Mom got us…"