Hump, Marry, Kill TV Checklist: The Penn is Mightier With His Sword

Hump: This week brought the return of one of my guilty pleasures: Gossip Girl. Not only was the soap back in fighting form (read: blackmail, a Baldwin, and Serena’s debut as Gossip Girl), Dair — that’s Dan Humphrey and Blair Waldorf’s couple sobriquet — finally consummated their upstairs/downstairs, UES/Brooklyn relationship. This means that “Lonely Boy” Dan Humphrey has now slept with every major female character on the show.

It’s not just run-of-the-mill romps in the sack, either. Dan has hooked up with Serena and Blair in elevators, the Hampton Jitney bathroom, and an alluded-to tryst in a bathroom bar in Williamsburg (surely the skeeviest place Blair Waldorf has ever gotten down). Dan also had that threesome with Hilary Duff’s character and Vanessa back when the writers were still pretending they actually went to college.

Not only has Dan bedded Serena and Blair on TV, Penn Badgley famously dated Blake Lively for three years before moving on to Zoë Kravitz. Her Hollywood bedfellow roster includes the likes of Michael Fassbender — he of the penis that sparked a thousand quips at every major award show this season.

There can only be one logical conclusion here: Penn Badgley must be amazing in bed. I mean, he’s cute and everything, but are good looks enough to date Blake Lively (who has since been linked with Leonardo DiCaprio and Ryan Reynolds) for three years? That’s like, forever in Hollywood courtships. Clearly, Penn knows what’s up in the sack, and so does Dan Humphrey.

Marry: Chris (Will Arnett) on Up All Night. On a subconscious level, I know he started a million points ahead because I love Will Arnett and wish him success in all his endeavors (he hasn’t had the best luck so far). Nevertheless, as Chris Brinkley on Up All Night, Arnett continues to bring it week after week. He’s plays a lawyer who stopped working when he and his wife had their first child. I love signs of progressivism and women’s equality on television. (Pauses to step off soap box).

Chris puts up with an overcompetitive, type-A wife and has just as many adorable, idiosyncratic quirks of his own. He gets adorably jealous — but not to the point of annoying and clingy jealous — whenever Reagan (Christina Applegate) gets too close to another man. He also plays hockey, which is an homage to Will Arnett’s childhood in Canada. Yes, I know these things. Please do not judge.

So Chris Brinkley, let’s make this thing official.

Kill: Have you guys been watching Million Dollar Listing New York? Didn’t think so. A little background: It’s a spin-off of Bravo’s other real estate porn show, Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles, which featured three ridiculous real estate agents in L.A. and Malibu, who were always very careful to distinguish the social snobbery that exists between people holding property in L.A. versus Malibu. Hey guys, guess what? Those of us who have lived on the East Coast our entire lives don’t actually know the difference. L.A., Malibu...it’s all sunny California to me.

Million Dollar Listing New York uses the exact same concept as Los Angeles: Each episode follows the wheelings and dealings of three NYC real estate agents who are all awful in their own unique way. The worst of the bunch, in my opinion, is Ryan Serhant.

Ryan is a guy who actually says things like “I am so good at what I do” while gazing wistfully into the distance and makes his overburdened assistant listen while he makes up horrible songs on the guitar he keeps in his office. Picture the puka shell-wearing bro you knew in college who was always inviting girls to his room to listen to him "jam" on his "guitar." This is who that dude grew up to become.

Ryan also likes to hold model castings to take lame stock photos that he believes will advertise his apartments and the aspirational weird get-togethers you will have while living there. On this week’s episode, Ryan takes one of the models he meets at the casting on a date. The next day at the photoshoot, he says he wants things to be “strictly professional” between them while they’re “working,” but then makes an obvious effort to blatantly hit on another model in front of her. The date finally gets fed up and leaves, and Ryan just continues to play the innocent as to why she stormed off.

So Ryan, I don’t care that you have the hookup to high-end Manhattan real estate. All I care about is your horrible, degrading attitude towards women and mistreatment of your assistant (actually, I’m convinced they’re sleeping together off-camera, so she may be into it). Shape up or I’ll ship you out.