We Stopped Hosting At Home — & Our Friendships Suffered

A common complaint among my friends is that no one throws house parties anymore. Remember those? Music playing at a level that would annoy neighbors, bodies crammed onto sofas and in the kitchen, someone passing a bottle around, flirting and laughing, then eventually dancing to a Spotify playlist that divides the room. These days, no one is willing to bite the bullet and take one for the team. Even dinner parties are rare. Hosting one requires time and energy (which often isn’t available) and who wants to run the risk of red wine being spilled on a cream carpet?

Homes are no longer spaces to socialize and let loose in. They’ve become curated safe havens if we’re lucky, or functional spaces if we’re getting by. Our resistance to hosting — while still wanting to be hosted — is perfectly understandable. 

If you’re renting a room in an apartment with strangers, where is the space to invite people over unless the invitation is for your bed? A gathering at home can be a cheaper alternative to a big night out but the potential cost of any damage caused by guests makes it risky. “I have no interest in people's outdoor shoes dragging across the carpets, smashing our one nice wine glass or using up all the [toilet paper] — it's just long. I’d rather go out,” says Jane*, 28, from London. Some landlords will do anything to withhold a security deposit that many of us can’t afford to lose. Jane did host a group once and realized how hard it is to cater for more than one person at a time in her limited space cluttered with reusable totes and laundry racks. Trends like tablescaping and velvet sofas can lead to feelings of shame if your interiors aren’t “social-media worthy.” Socializing, especially post-pandemic, has also hinged on being out and about, taking photos for Instagram stories. 

The real crux of it for Jane lies in the economics of it all as a renter in a small apartment. “If I had some gigantic house with a kitchen bigger than a [closet] then maybe it would be lovely and collaborative to cook for friends, but in a cost of living crisis in a small [apartment], the whole thing feels like putting myself through stress for no reason. Am I a glamorous '70s housewife in a glitzy dress serving appetizers? No. I'm stressed in a cramped [apartment], alone, catering to 17 different food intolerances. Let's just go to [a restaurant] and call it a day.” Jane enjoys being hosted but on the occasional instance it happens, it’s by friends who live by themselves in bigger spaces. “They don't have to navigate different housemate cooking schedules. Even then, we always keep the numbers small. Plus it still costs an arm and a leg to feed everyone and the whole 'bring a dish' thing doesn't work when the journey is 60 minutes across [public transport].” She has a point. Jane wishes casual chilling around hers and her friends’ homes were more frequent. “I feel like it brings a certain level of intimacy that used to be in childhood that doesn’t exist now. I don’t want to cry in a pub, park or street food market full of people, but I guess that’s my only option if that’s where I can see you.”

It’s the intimacy issue that matters. We’re constantly being told that young people are lonely so diversifying how we socialize is key. The times out and about are integral but so are the moments we spend inside. Earlier this year, there was a social media trend of women recording their sleepovers with friends. Those able to take part in it told R29 that a sleepover offered the chance for quiet and closer moments with friends — moments you wouldn't get at a restaurant or a bar. Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist at CPPC London, explains why this can make such a difference. “At ours or a friend’s place we may feel more inclined to relax, be ourselves and even divulge things we may not want to discuss in public around prying ears,” she says. “There's a psychological safety to socializing in a familiar environment. Often when we go to a club or restaurant, we want to be looking our absolute best and feel the need to be ‘on.’ At home we are more likely to be open to being vulnerable when we feel safe and comfortable in our surroundings. That doesn't mean, however, that we shouldn't go out and do things that require effort. These types of events create shared experiences and often memories which can help to enhance our bond.” The best of both worlds is ideal for friendships to thrive.

The setting of the home makes it easier for us to be ourselves around our friends, as Kiran, 30, who lives in Hampshire in England has found to be true. She loves hosting and does it with her partner every couple of months at least, inviting up to 18 people over for brunches or parties. “I love hosting themed get-togethers so we always do Halloween at our house, where costumes are always mandatory,” she says. “I go all-out with decorations and themed foods. I love baking for friends and family so there's always at least one homemade bake on the table.” Kiran and her partner bought their first home a year ago, which has given them more space and freedom to have people around. Still, because it’s a space she’s worked hard to get, she worries about any accidental damage to the house. As the podcasters behind Faking Adulthood put it in a recent episode: “You’ve gone through so much to get that house that actually, you’re thinking, Do I want randoms in my house?” No seems to be the answer. Kiran doesn’t do plus ones at her gatherings. “I put down blankets on the sofa so if anything does spill it should land on them. But my friends are usually very considerate and know I'll crumple on the floor if anyone stains my carpet or sofas,” she adds — though one friend did once throw edible glitter all over her new kitchen floor.

The pros outweigh the cons, though. “People are just more relaxed when they're in a safe setting and I like people to feel like they're at home when they're at our house,” Kiran says. “We can also go off into different areas of the house to have private conversations, which you can't always do when you're out. I find people are more likely to 'let loose' when they're at my house, more so than when we're out, which is nice. And I don't always mean with alcohol; I mean in the sense that they don't have to worry what other people think so if we want to belt out the 'All Too Well' 10-minute version, we totally can (and have).” Being able to host has made for more emotionally intimate moments with friends, which ultimately has deepened their bond. 

The impact of never hanging out inside can leave us feeling lonely or less satisfied within our friendships. Liz Kelly, therapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, thinks the pandemic made people “less comfortable” with hosting groups. “Many people who tend towards perfectionism feel like they can only have people over to their house if it is perfectly tidy, clean, impeccably decorated and contains a fridge full of party-ready appetizers and beverages. But true friends will not judge you for a bit of dust or a less-than-trendy couch you’ve had since university,” she says. Kelly wants us to push past this and socialize at home more often as it’s good for us. “Hosting people in your home helps others get to know you on a deeper level,” she adds. Giving someone the chance to see your home, even if it feels vulnerable, is good for friendships. “They can see your books on your shelf and photos on the wall, meet your pets and learn more about your hobbies and interests.” 

We’re missing out by not hosting people but for many of us the reality is that our homes simply aren’t set up to invite others in. Friendship meet-ups in both groups and one-on-one settings are important for diversifying social time — and the same can be said for where those meet-ups take place: at a club, a restaurant, in a bar or with a cup of tea on the sofa at home.