Wait, So You Don’t Spoon Your Friends?

We’ve found yet another friendship divide between us, so it seems: those who spoon their friends, and those who don’t. Quirks exist in all friendships, from knowing how to communicate with a simple look to having inside jokes. One of the joys in being friends with someone is having those unique habits. Some friends might schedule a movie night together and know that cuddles are part of the package along with popcorn and wine. A recent video on Instagram showing two friends bed rotting together ends with them cuddling, or spooning, in a platonic way. The comments are mixed, with some finding the idea of friends cuddling in bed odd while others defend it, saying they do it all the time and that people need to stop sexualizing it. “Y’all don’t cuddle your friends???” reads one of the top comments. To spoon or not to spoon: That is the question.

Context is everything, especially when it comes to cuddling. Refinery29’s Venus Wong, 31, is a fan of cuddling with friends if they are just chilling around one of their houses. Wong went to an all girls’ school and cuddling like this feels normal to her; she wouldn’t behave in the same way with guy friends or friends who simply weren’t as comfortable with physical contact. “I have so many memories of falling asleep while watching a movie with my friends, and this is always kick-started by some spooning,” she recalls. “The most recent time this happened was on my hen do last year. I stayed in a beach house in Montauk, New York with my best friends and we kept joking that I was Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give (her character is a writer and lives in a beach house in The Hamptons). They later surprised me with matching white jumpers, which was Keaton’s signature look in the movie. I have the best memory of us all cuddling together and watching the film in our fluffy matching knitwear.” Wong also cuddles with a group of her childhood friends who have a tradition of taking a road trip every two years. On those trips, one night will involve them all staying up gossiping until sunrise — while snuggling. “It’s nice to feel like we’re carefree children in primary school again,” she adds. “Physical touch with another person of the same sex just doesn’t feel like a big deal to me.”

At Refinery29, we’re split between those who spoon their friends and those who would never. A small poll of our Refinery29 community (made up of 76 readers) found that just 16% spoon or cuddle their friends. So why is it a big deal to some and not others? Studies have shown that consensual physical touch can boost our mental health, reducing feelings of loneliness. Culturally, some groups of people are considered more likely than others to be tactile or openly affectionate together. Research conducted by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology on 14,000 people across 45 countries found “people used more types of affectionate touch in warmer, less conservative, and less religious countries, and among younger, female, and liberal people.” Those in southern Europe, for example, were more likely to offer affectionate touch to the people in their lives than those in the US or China. Of course, the research notes that personal experiences of touch will impact an individual’s preferences, too.

From a psychological perspective, there’s nuance to consider on whether embracing touch with friends is good for you. Psychotherapist Caroline Plumer says the reason people might be icked out by the idea of spooning their friends is because “it’s an intimate gesture that involves full body contact, and if we spend extended periods in physical contact with someone, this might be perceived as romantic or sexual.” A hug used to greet someone can be seen very differently from cuddling while watching TikTok videos. Plumer says everyone needs to “agree on the meaning” of the touch. If everyone is comfortable, cuddling can even improve your friendship and speak to there being plenty of safety within it. “Cuddling boosts oxytocin, a hormone that can lower stress, improve your mood, and even help you sleep,” she says. “This means you might start associating hugging a friend with feeling happy and relaxed and as such, you may see that person in a more positive light. Cuddling can also be quite vulnerable. It’s an act of trust to allow someone to be physically that close to you, so it may also inspire feelings of safety and acceptance with your friends.” Those are all pretty good signs your friendship is full of (platonic) love.

In the comments section of the video that reignited this whole debate, critics of cuddling friends claimed there must be hidden romantic feelings involved. Zoey, 25, from the US completely disagrees. She identifies as gay and “masculine” and that didn’t impact on her snuggly movie nights with straight female friends as a teen — but it has affected how she approaches cuddling now. Affectionate touch had always been normal to her. “Growing up, I would hold hands with my sister. Sometimes I would be cuddling up pretty close to sports teammates and friends at group gatherings to watch a movie. No one was uncomfortable with this, even knowing I was openly gay. To me this was in no way sexual, it was just us being friends and watching a movie or hanging out talking.” The act itself is simple; it seems the problem comes when people read into a gentle hug as something more. Now, being older, Zoey won’t cuddle with friends unless it’s initiated by them. “I don’t want to make other women uncomfortable, so I feel like I wouldn’t be able to do this if it wasn’t romantic. With guys it would just feel awkward.” It’s sad that societal unease with friendly touch has changed her actions.

So should you start spooning if you aren’t already? Maybe not. The benefits of cuddling with friends will only come if you find the action comfortable. Goody Howard, a sexologist, says cuddling with friends can “get messy” if everyone isn’t equally comfortable with it. Forget forming a closer bond; Howard says it may create uneasiness between friends. “Our culture often equates physical touch with attraction and sex. I hear the phrase ‘spooning leads to forking!’ all the time. Cuddling can definitely be foreshadowing something hotter, but it can also be a platonic way to feel cosy and connected,” she says. “Physical touch is a basic human need, and cuddling can be a fantastic way to meet that need and nurture friendships.” Do what comes naturally, and make sure everyone is on board.