No, It’s Never Okay to Use Deportation as a Weapon in Relationships

Getting cheated on sucks. Betrayal from the person you’ve given your heart and body to isn’t just distressing — that heartache and anger can make you operate in ways you never thought you could. According to a study published in the National Institutes of Health (NIH), about 8% to 22% of people who have experienced infidelity consider taking revenge on their unfaithful partner, from two-timing them right back, to lighting their car on fire, to brawling with “the other” person. But on TikTok, one user is going viral for a different kind of revenge: deporting her cheating ex-boyfriend.

On October 17, user @monts.user555 posted a video of her explaining why and how she deported her undocumented ex to Mexico. According to the video, the Texas-based woman, whose name has not been made public, found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her while transferring vacation photos to his phone, where she found incriminating Snapchat messages. Instead of confronting him about what she saw, she devised a plan: inviting him to Six Flags on his day off, but instead, driving him over the U.S.-Mexican border and dropping him off on the other side.

When the man woke up from the two-hour ride from San Antonio to Mexico, he was met by Mexican customs agents who ordered them to pull over for a secondary inspection. When the man had to get out of the vehicle, the woman tossed him some money and, before driving away, told him: "You want to be a jerk? Then go be a jerk and start from scratch. Either come back on your own or have her bring you, but you're not using me anymore." 

Online reactions have been mixed, with many women expressing support for the user’s act of revenge as if it were a feminist move. Legal experts have also chimed in, pointing out that the woman could be charged with a criminal offense like kidnapping or human trafficking. Judging by the woman’s videos, however, it’s clear that she believes what she did was an act of justice, and that she isn’t interested in any criticism for her actions — even if they might constitute a crime. 

In a recent post, the woman jokes that nobody wants to go to Six Flags with her anymore and that she didn’t realize this might be an inadvertent result of her revenge plan. She is completely unapologetic — and many other women in the comments feel she doesn’t have a reason to be. One commenter wrote, "We have so much respect for you." While another one said, "Slay, queen! Slay!" To them, deportation is, apparently, an appropriate and commensurate retaliation to being cheated on — even if this has ruined every aspect of that man’s life. 

But is it, really?

The consequences of returning to a country of origin when someone is undocumented are life-changing. If the undocumented immigrant returns to their homeland after overstaying for more than a year in the U.S. without a visa, that individual will be barred from re-entering the country legally for 10 years. The only way to re-enter would be illegally by land, in conditions that are dangerous and inhumane. The journey involves crossing desert areas with no water and temperatures reaching 118°F during the summer. According to the International Organization for Migration (IOM), there was a recorded 686 deaths and disappearances of migrants on the U.S.-Mexico border in 2022, making it the deadliest land route for migrants worldwide. It is likely that the number is much higher, but the illegality of the crossing and the brutality of the natural landscapes that people journey through makes data collection difficult. 

These are just the repercussions of crossing back into the U.S. as a previously undocumented immigrant. For the person who is deported, there are other immediate ramifications, like suffering from a sudden loss of community, home, and work. In this case, the ex-boyfriend was unwillingly returned to a place where he may or may not have friends or family, a place where he may or may not have left because of the risk of violence or abuse. While this wasn’t a de facto deportation, the documented effects of forcibly removing someone from where they are currently living are still relevant. Studies show that deportation can result in financial instability, food insecurity, the destruction of families, depression, anxiety, and extreme stress. 

While being cheated on is excruciatingly painful and sometimes life-altering, returning an undocumented immigrant against their will to their country of origin is cruel and never acceptable. Existing as an undocumented immigrant in the U.S. is nerve-wrecking and anxiety-inducing, as not having the right documents can result in deportation at any time and any place. To use the vulnerability of Latine immigrants against them is a huge betrayal of the community — one that she, too, belongs to — and its traumas. 

Even more, being in a mixed-status relationship means that — if you have a legal visa to stay in the U.S. — there’s an extra power differential between you and your partner that must be respected. While I am not totally convinced that this woman understood the full ramifications of her actions, I think she at least understood that she was doing something that would harm her ex-boyfriend’s life. In doing so, and sharing her story for entertainment on TikTok, she also leans into the “toxic Latina girlfriend” stereotype the app favors so much.

There are countless videos on the app of men joking about their “toxic” or “crazy” Latina girlfriend and Latinas embracing the stereotype. You know the trope: She’s jealous, she’s violent, and she’s emotional. Stereotypes like these harm Latinas by turning us into unhinged and irrational women in the popular imagination of white U.S. society. Moreover, this stereotype that Latinas act on impulse or emotion rather than logic makes it harder for people to take our pain, our grievances, and our assertiveness seriously. 

But this stereotype also harms us because it encourages bad behavior that could literally be persecuted under the law, whether physically assaulting “la otra” or deporting someone. On a more personal and internal level, leaning into these stereotypes encourages us to be cruel, to harm those around us, and not opt for non-violent kinds of communication that might — in the long run — be better for everyone, including ourselves. It discourages us from delving inward when rightfully experiencing rage after being disrespected. 

Burning the world down and harming people around us also harms us, even if it might feel good and validating in a moment of impulsive anger. Eventually, this revengeful streak will result in loneliness and isolation. The “crazy” or “toxic” Latina girlfriend stereotype discourages Latinas from figuring out how to have safe and healthy relationships and it doesn’t allow us to be soft under the right circumstances. It makes us hypervigilant and controlling. 

Instead of leaning into harm, this Latina could have admitted she was hurt and betrayed, broken up with her boyfriend, and moved on with her life. Now, it remains to be seen as to whether she will be persecuted for what she did. 

There is no doubt that Latinas are given a huge burden to deal with in U.S. society, and that cheating is a hurtful action, even a disrespectful one. But it’s simply never okay to use the power of the state against someone, especially when we know how life-destroying the immigration system has been to our community. The systems that have been built against us already have the advantage of being all-powerful. We don’t need to grant them more power just for TikTok views.