Hump, Marry, Kill: Cara Delevingne, Please Be My Friend

Hump: This is more of a discussion/admission of my current girl crush than something that happened on TV this week, because Cara Delevingne was relegated to a mere blink-and-you-missed-it singular strut down the runway during the PINK portion of the annual Lingerie-on-Acid-a-Thon (a.k.a. the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show). She was dressed like a sexy candy striper, which I guess is the teen version of your typical sexy nurse Halloween costume, because PINK is the “little sister [who’s hopefully of legal age if she’s dressing like that]” VS brand. Point is, she was easy to miss.

But if you paid close attention to the backstage footage, you’ll notice that Delevingne was all up in it, in the center of the action, rocking out to Bruno Mars and Rihanna with the other models. And if you follow her on Instagram or Twitter, it’s pretty obvious that she’s awesome to hang out with. There are pics of her and Rihanna just chilling on a couch, the time she went to Coachella with Karlie Kloss and Lily Donaldson, and Burberry shoots with Eddie Redmayne (when everyone falls in love with him after seeing Les Mis — please note I called dibs like five years ago). Plus, there are entire Twitter accounts devoted to “Cara’s Thigh Gap,” “Cara’s Fingers,” and some of her other body parts (I will admit this is one of the creepier parts of celebrity fandom).

Even before VS inducted her into the annual sparklefest-and-thong fold, I added Cara to my list of “people with whom I want to hang out for a night because I’m old and probably couldn’t keep up for any longer, plus I use words like whom.” Girl looks FUN.

Marry: Speaking of absolutely the fabulous, did you guys catch In Vogue: The Editor’s Eye on HBO? I am obsessed with Carlyne Cerf de Dudzeele, who served as the magazine’s fashion editor, director, and editor-at-large from 1985 to 1995. Not only did she style Anna Wintour’s first cover as editor-in-chief, she introduced her notion of high-low fashion with bangles and glitz to the formerly steadfast in its devotion to head-to-toe designer magazine. Nowhere was this more evident than on Anna’s first cover, on which Carlyne paired haute couture Christian Lacroix with Guess jeans.

Now that I’ve been Google stalking her, I’m even more enamored of the bubbly French woman who took it upon herself to style her own sitting for the documentary. Her opinions and personality are larger than life, probably because of her effortlessly stylish upbringing in St. Tropez and Paris. The word fabulous was basically invented for de Dudzeele.

Kill: Listen, I love Dance Moms as much as the next person who danced for four-plus hours a day as a kid/teen and feels a deep kinship with the girls on the show (possibly due to mild Stockholm Syndrome). Now that Abby Lee Miller is a bona-fide Lifetime TV personality, though, she’s become a little too taken with herself for my taste. I mean, have you seen the promo for the new season of Dance Moms? On one hand, it’s full-fledged, campy fun. On the other, it’s a group of girls with an average age of 9, emulating Jennifer Beals’ famous audition scene from Flashdance. You know, the movie about a stripper/welder who dreams of being a ballerina?

Anyway, Abby Lee now has a second show on Lifetime called Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, on which yet another group of girls is traumatized while they compete to earn a scholarship to the Young Dancer Program at the Joffrey Ballet School. Abby is her usual self on the show — cruel, blunt, and overly critical. That I’m used to. Where I take umbrage with the “competition” is the final three dancers who remain, and the reasons Abby has selected them as the chosen contestants.

Granted, this is a reality show, so the chances the winner will actually go to New York and become a student at the Joffrey School are slim to none. Putting that aside, I can most assuredly tell you that the final three dancers wouldn’t last more than a day at a real ballet school without some serious reworking of their technique. Abby is on a quest to find a dancer who’s the “whole package,” which is why she’s allowed a 7-year-old with a big personality and cutesy, mugging faces to make it this far. Classical ballet schools, on the other hand, could care less about a smiley little child if she’s got no turnout, bad feet, and a clear emphasis on gymnastics over ballet in her training.

Abby Lee Miller trains competition dancers: They’re strong, can turn for days, and have the contortionist skills of Cirque du Soleil performers. What they’re not is classical ballerinas, which is why it’s wrong for a self-proclaimed “amazing dance teacher” to mislead them into thinking otherwise.