Why Does Everyone Hate It When I Dye My Hair?

Picture the scene: I’m in my early 20s, it’s somewhere between COVID-19 lockdowns and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with my appearance. I spend most of my furlough doing Couch To 5K, baking bread, training my newly adopted dog and watching Modern Family. I’m fit and strong; my hair is long and blonde; I’ve just moved in with my now husband and life is good. It’s a period I look back on fondly, though I definitely didn’t appreciate it at the time. 

At some point, when Boris Johnson allowed it, we went back to my husband's family home for Christmas. Everyone was sitting in his grandma's living room. “You’re such a bonny lass,” she said. So far, so good. Then: “I don’t know why you dye your hair blonde. It looks so much better black.”

In typical Baader-Meinhof style, I then began hearing this all the time: “You look amazing but why do you dye your hair?” “Your dark hair looks so good with your features!” Thus began a new insecurity. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to dye my hair black again, even though I remembered that, deep down, I'd spent the entirety of my teens wishing my mum would let me dye it. 

I dyed it anyway and, lo and behold, I hated it. Black hair just doesn’t feel like me, even though it quite literally is me without a helping hand from my old pal peroxide. After those comments, I tried to turn back the clock and go blonde again, but the damage was already done. Once you dye your hair dark, going light is not easy — for the stylist or your hair health. While I did manage to go blonde once more, this time my hair was dry and strawlike, snapping at the crown with every brush. My confidence was shot and I vowed never to listen to someone else’s opinion on my hair colour again. But a question has rattled around my head ever since: Why does everyone seem to hate it when I dye my hair?

I love playing with hair dye but I think my obsession is rooted in racism. As a teenager I wanted more than anything — anything — to look less “Indian”. Blonde hair and blue eyes were considered supreme among the kids at school, and I just wanted to fit in. I didn’t want to be the girl with curry in her lunch box; I wanted to be like Suzie with her glistening, golden hair and cheese sandwiches. I wanted, as many kids do, to be cool and popular. I dyed my hair blonde as soon as I was allowed.

Nowadays, I like to think that I’ve accepted my Indian heritage more. My love of dye is less about being someone else and more about how I see my hair as an accessory. My fashion sense is pretty “boring” and utilitarian so I love how a fun hair colour can make me look more put-together and add a little edge. Tom Smith, a hairstylist and trend forecaster, says that people tend to choose between “wanting hair to fall into the background” with subtle, natural-looking colours and “opting for hair that is an extension of their personality, with energy and creative vision”. He stresses that neither option is better than the other. Rather, it's all down to personal preference. “How we present ourselves changes throughout different chapters of our lives,” he adds, much like our fashion sense does. 

I’ve been every colour under the sun, from more natural-looking shades like caramel-brunette and blonde to vivid greys and pinks. The unexpected colours are always my favourites. Looking at an old picture of myself with a particular hair colour can transport me to a different time, reviving old memories and evoking past emotions in the same way that smelling an old perfume can. It’s quite magical, really.

Less magical are other people’s opinions. As a journalist I’m putting myself “out there” online, waiting for negative comments to come rolling in. But often these comments come from people I know in real life. I first went pink in September 2020, to mixed opinions. One friend — though she didn’t admit it to me at the time to save my feelings — didn’t want my pink hair in her wedding photos. She later said this as a joke, once I’d already got rid of the pink hair. “But you looked like a matchstick!” she finally admitted, four years afterwards when I confessed I was considering pink again. In hindsight, I find this funny. But if she’d made this comment at the time, I would have been devastated.

While pink hair is trending again (colour and styling trend forecaster Zoë Irwin calls it “the new natural”), it seems many aren’t convinced. In an anonymous, informal poll put to my Instagram followers, I asked them to choose their favourite hair colour for me from four options: black, brown balayage, blonde and pink. Pink garnered the strongest opinions. “Natural looks best. Pink is very 2016,” read one comment. “It looks nice but not everyone can carry that pink off and brown is a safer, still-stylish choice,” read another.

Using the word “safer” to describe hair colour is interesting. What is safe about brown hair? Would it leave me open to fewer negative comments? Would I simply slip under the radar, never standing out? For many, Smith says, it is “safer” to have a naturally occurring hair colour. “I think it’s the same as when you see someone walk down the street in clothes that blend in versus clothes that make a statement,” he says. For some, a bright, attention-grabbing outfit is their idea of hell. For others, the same can be said of an all-beige ensemble.

Rachael Gibson, known online as The Hair Historian, likens natural-looking hair colours to the industry’s obsession with no-makeup makeup and the “clean girl” aesthetic. “People think they like a natural look,” she explains. “But as we know, what people think is ‘natural’ is often anything but.” Like no-makeup makeup, a sun-kissed brunette balayage might look subtle, but it takes a lot of work to get there. “People use extensions and glosses or subtle colours to enhance what they have, but the finished result remains within our understanding of what ‘natural hair’ should look like, so it's more accepted,” says Gibson.

Gibson adds that this natural aesthetic is coveted because people are still caught up in the idea that “natural beauty is best” — that it lends itself to being “pure” and suggests an idea of “superior femininity”. It’s untouched and as nature made you; you’ve not fallen prey to vanity. To this end, Gibson suggests that naturally occurring colours circumnavigate judgement with their subtlety. “The idea that people (generally women) want to change their appearance in a way that's entirely intentional and completely noticeable crosses that line into [what people think is] deceit and vanity versus just having pride in your appearance,” she says. This can be seen in the results of my informal poll, with multiple people citing “looks natural” as a reason for choosing brown hair as their favourite appearance — even though my hair isn’t naturally brown.

With all this in mind, I really thought the poll results would favour black or brown hair. Instead, shockingly, pink came out on top by a landslide of 67%. The public’s next favourite was brown (19%) and then black (13%). Only 1% chose blonde, which surprised me, as I’ve always thought people find blondes most attractive. But perhaps that’s only when the wearer is white, making the blonde look more natural and less “cheap,” as one poll entry kindly referred to it.

After really believing that the vast majority of people preferred my hair black, the onslaught of pink-positive compliments in the poll was surprising. There were a lot, from a simple “It’s hot” (which gives me the heebie-jeebies) to “It suits your fun personality”, which I received quite a few times. Many also mentioned how it lifts my skin tone and makes it “glow”, while others said it makes me look happier and matches my job in the beauty industry. A few South Asian participants were grateful that I’ve normalised vivid hair colours and “broken a taboo” for people with brown skin. One girl even said that my pink hair opened up her eyes to the possibility of having pink hair herself — she’d never considered the idea because she didn’t believe it was possible to do on dark hair without ruining it. Some also said they like it because it’s “striking and unusual” and “exudes confidence” with a “whimsical, strong, idgaf attitude”.

It's interesting, then, that one 58-year-old woman (who wishes to remain anonymous) told me she thinks people with vividly coloured hair are “insecure with an identity crisis”. About my pink hair specifically, she doubled down: “I love its vibrancy and how you’re challenging the norm but you’re stunning and you don’t need gimmicks like coloured hair.” This view is, in my opinion, rather antiquated. But it clearly still exists, much to the surprise of Smith. In his experience as a hair expert, people struggling with their confidence are more likely to want to “fit in” with undetectable hair colours, he suggests. For Smith, knowing yourself and feeling comfortable enough in your own skin to choose a look that stands out from the crowd is the ultimate example of confidence.

Anita Bhagwandas, beauty journalist and author of Ugly, says that society judges people who sport non-naturally occurring hair colours by assuming they’re a bit “wacky” or “weird”. She adds: “This comes down to the sort of judgements that people make on appearances generally, and how we put people into boxes. Historically, we’ve always assigned different values to different hair colours. This goes all the way back to the ancient Greeks who prized blonde or ginger hair because it looked like gold.” Nowadays, though, Bhagwandas says that fun hair colours are more often seen as a form of self-expression. “I’m surprised that some people don’t like your dyed hair,” she adds. “It feels so much more normal for younger generations.”

Cultural beliefs might also impact how people react to changes in hair colour. “People have definitely seen me as a bit weird within the South Asian community because I had blue and green hair,” admits Bhagwandas. Likewise, Diana*, a 27-year-old woman who reached out to me via Instagram, says, “I feel like unsolicited beauty advice is a common thing, culturally speaking, especially in Muslim communities. I get it from family members all the time!” Ariana*, also in her 20s, makes light of it but experiences something similar: “I used to dye my hair but people just didn’t get it. What can I say? Turkish aunties — they’re stuck in their ways, babe.”

Sophia Hilton, founder of Not Another Salon, says this is perhaps less about culture and more about family. “After talking to thousands of clients, [I know that] the people who are most likely to prefer your natural colour are your parents,” she explains. “For some reason, families like their offspring to look natural. Maybe it’s a ‘please don’t change what I made’ concept.” 

Parents might worry about you looking “odd” or “different”, confirms Courtney Cross, owner of Individual Chair. “My parents say [vivid colours don’t] look professional or suitable for weddings. I toned my hair down for my own father’s wedding so that I ‘wouldn’t stick out’ as my parents put it.” Hilton doesn’t dismiss the notion of cultural impact, though, noting that Indian cultures prize hair health and hair oiling to keep hair shiny and healthy, which directly clashes with the idea of bleaching and potentially damaging your hair. “Families with textured hair may also have concerns about damage as textured hair is naturally [more fragile],” Cross adds.

Men are another reason that it feels like everyone prefers natural-looking hair. “It’s heartbreaking,” begins Samantha Cusick, hairstylist, podcast host and owner of her eponymous salon chain, “so many women leave my chair feeling amazing about themselves and then ring me back asking to change their hair again after their husbands or boyfriends say they don’t like it.” In a 2011 study about men’s preferences of women’s hair colours, men rated brunettes as most physically attractive when confronted with different pictures of women, but approached blondes more often within a nightclub setting. A 2016 survey by the dating app Badoo found that men are more likely to engage with brunettes. My own husband cites black as his favourite hair colour on me. 

“I have coloured red hair,” says Gibson, “it’s very clearly fake but men like to ask if it’s natural, and then seem to get mildly annoyed when I tell them no.” She chalks this down to a feeling of being lied to. “We make snap decisions and assume things about people based on the visuals that we're given, so when we find out it's fake or built on artifice, there's a sense that we've been deceived.”

Journalist Bethan King, a natural redhead, says that she gets lots of unsolicited questions about her hair, with men asking intimate questions like “Do the collars match the cuffs?” to determine whether or not it’s natural. Of course, this obsession with “natural beauty” is nothing new. It’s why there are memes about taking women swimming on the first date, says Gibson. “[It's] so you can somehow trick them into revealing their natural self when their makeup comes off.”

Pretty privilege plays a part here, too. Those who are deemed more beautiful — typically in accordance with Western beauty ideals — are considered more trustworthy and deserving of kind treatment. And it seems these ideals prioritise “natural” beauty. But this demonisation of unnatural hair colours begins early in life; many schools don’t allow dyed hair, so how are we ever supposed to accept it without judgement when it’s clearly treated as something to be punished for?

While we can see collective preferences among various studies and anecdotes, looks are subjective and pushing your opinions onto others might not be constructive. This may only encourage insecurities and you never know how impactful your words are going to be, especially if nobody asked for them. 

“It just makes me feel less good about my current shade,” says Ria*, 25, who’s also a beauty journalist and is sick of people telling her which shade she should be. This resonates with me; it’s what led me to damage my hair beyond repair. I had to chop it all off and start again after everyone said they preferred me with black hair. 

One anonymous response to my Instagram poll said they think people look best with their natural hue. “I’m begging my sister to go back to her natural colour,” it read. When I saw this, my heart sank for the respondent’s sister, who probably loved her hair colour and now feels less confident about it because her family is telling her to change it. 

Smith's advice to anyone who feels as though they’re on the receiving end of criticism about the way they present themselves is simple: “You can’t change anyone else, but you can change where you focus your attention. Focus on the positive feedback you get.” He likens unprompted advice to trolling online, saying it’s pointless and rarely comes from a place of compassion or happiness. “People that spend energy saying or writing negative comments don’t tend to be the happiest people within themselves for whatever reason, and I think that’s a shame,” he says. Smith ends by telling me that there is no right or wrong way to dye your hair. The best option is the option that makes you feel most confident — whether that’s a natural-looking shade or not.