I Was Always The Late Friend — Until I Was Confronted About It

I’ve always been a late person in my personal life. My mum is a late person, too. Rushing around the house 10 minutes after we should have left was often a normal morning growing up. My school friends were also late people. Most of my friends made in adulthood are late people. But there are four dear friends in my life who are chronically punctual. And yes, they’re always waiting for me. And yes, they have varying degrees of showing they’re pissed about it.

Last year, I was really late to meet one of those friends. He’d been waiting for over 25 minutes for me to arrive at a pub, which was late even by my standards back then (15 minutes late was when you could usually expect me). Rightfully, he said he wasn’t happy and his confrontational words stuck with me.

Meeting with friends is my favourite thing to do. Being late has never been about not respecting other people’s time, which is often the way it makes people feel. Years ago, I heard the term “time optimist” and thought, yes, that’s me. I used to think I had time to do more than the time available actually allowed for, then I would rush and work up a sweat trying to shave a 22-minute walk down to 16 minutes (I’m a bit of a pro at this now). It wasn’t pleasant for the people waiting for me, and it wasn’t pleasant for me either, arriving stressed and all apologies. 

Something changed though, after my friend had a mild and necessary go at me. What would it be like to try and cram less in, allow for better time planning, and be late from time to time due to public transport rather than because of my own uselessness? For any of my friends reading this with a raised eyebrow, I’ll admit I’m still late to house events. If you invite me round for dinner, pre drinks, or just to chill with a film, I will still be late and text ahead asking to push the time back by half an hour. That feels less problematic though if the friend is just chilling at home anyway. But to meet at a venue somewhere, now that I’ve worked on and come leaps and bounds. 

Recently, that brave friend who initiated this change said: “It literally hasn’t been a problem since that conversation — if anything, I’ve been late a few times since”. I let this sink in with a smile. Realising that over the last year my time management has slowly but noticeably improved, I allowed myself a rare pat on the back. Trying to fix my lateness wasn’t a big goal, but small changes added up. But I won’t hold lateness against any of my late friends, because I understand all too well how it is to be that person. Occasionally, I still am that person.

As simple as it sounds, living in London gives me the luxury of not needing to plan travel all that much. There will always be a way to get somewhere, even if it is long. But that luxury meant I’d often use Google Maps to find out how to get to somewhere an hour before meeting someone, only for the route to then say it’s a 72-minute journey. Oops. I now look up where I’m going the night before or morning of. 

“Some struggle with time management because they underestimate how long tasks actually take or overestimate their ability to multitask,” says Bayu Prihandito, psychology consultant for online medicine and test kit service Zava. “For others, procrastination or perfectionism can also play a role, as they delay starting something because it feels overwhelming. It’s mentally taxing for those who don’t have systems in place to organise their day, which makes planning feel chaotic and leads to constant stress over having to ‘catch up’.” Prihandito says low self-confidence and social anxiety can contribute to lateness, too — there’s not a standard answer as to why so many of us struggle with time management. Conditions like ADHD can play a role as well.

“Start by tracking how long your regular activities actually take,” Prihandito adds. “Often, people guess rather than measure. Once you see the patterns, you can plan with more accuracy. Another trick is to build in ‘buffers’, which means leaving extra time between tasks to account for unexpected delays. Shifting this mindset is all about valuing punctuality not just for others, but also as a way to lower your stress and feel more in control.”

I now use buffers when planning my travel routes, whereas I used to allow exactly the amount of time the City Mapper app told me I’d need. If I’m ever early, it’s quite nice to have a few moments to sit and read.

In the past, I used to go to the gym, meet someone for lunch, then plan a date for the evening, I now just do two out of three — if that. I don’t have the energy — or the time! — for all of that, and there would be a 100% chance that each plan will be pushed back and back as the day went on. Again, I plan my time more realistically. I’m also less tired because of it.

Optimism has its place, but when you’re always late, I think realism or even pessimism has to set in. You have to know when you need to cut your losses. I might have wanted to make extra effort with my makeup, or detour to the Post Office first, but if I got up late then something else had to give. Gone are the days of still trying to fit in everything. The glittery eyeshadow will have to wait for next time.

Dr Simon Le Clerc MsTJ, from HealthCare In Mind, says time optimism can be changed. “Begin by objectively timing your regular activities, such as getting ready in the morning. Focus on the pockets of time which you are normally blind to. For example, you may think that you just get dressed in the morning and head out of the door, but this fails to take into account things such as collecting your bags, lunch, coffee, then getting your shoes on, scraping the ice off your car before you're actually on the way. This means that you aren’t actually recognising each stage in the process and the time it takes.”

I used to look at the time and see I had 10 minutes before needing to leave, and think, great that’s plenty. I’d only be thinking about how I needed to put my clothes on. 20 minutes later I’d be leaving, having got dressed, used the loo, frantically searched for my keys, emptied the bins, and had a glass of water. I never used to factor those things in, assuming they’d take mere seconds than minutes. 

Le Clerc adds that tools like calendar apps can be “game changers” if you need to visualise your day. Think about the way you learn and apply that to your thinking around time. 

Another trick is to incentivise punctuality. Le Clerc says: “Reward yourself: pair punctuality with something enjoyable. For instance, promise yourself a coffee from your favourite café if you leave early enough to stop by.”

Something in this vein that I think has helped me is getting a yoga membership that charges a late fee. The threat of £10 being withdrawn from my account and not even getting to do the class forces me to get organised. Very unlike me, I’m regularly the first person to arrive. This also means I get a few minutes to chat to other early birds before the class starts.

I don’t think I’d have made any progress on this if I didn’t actually care deep down. I was fed up with myself for always being in a position where I was rushing, and I was fed up of always apologising to friends and worrying about offending them. I was also fed up with the times when my lateness, if caused by factors out of my control — like a train breaking down — wasn’t believed, because people had just come to expect that from me. So when my friend called me out on this, I really wanted to make it better. 

“Being late sends a subtle message that the other person’s time isn’t as important as your own, even if that’s not your intention,” says Prihandito. “Over time, this can lead to frustration, hurt feelings, or even resentment. In friendships, this can erode trust, especially if it keeps happening. So, start by acknowledging the impact and make an intentional effort to improve. This can go a long way toward fixing any tension.”

Learning to be late less often — aspiring to never be late is unrealistic as life is unpredictable — means your friends will have less reasons to be annoyed at you, and that you yourself will feel less crap. Prihandito explains that being late often “creates a rush of anxiety and stress, especially if you’re constantly worried about letting someone down or having to face the consequences. Starting your day feeling behind often leaves you in a reactive mode rather than being calm and prepared.”

On that note, it’s easy to berate yourself when lateness happens, but feeling guilty never made me on time. Le Clerc says time management isn’t just a matter of discipline; it’s tied to how our brains work. “People who struggle with punctuality often genuinely believe they can fit a two-hour task into one hour. It’s not a lack of effort but a distorted sense of how long things take.”

He believes that being on time is tied to self-care. “Over time, the constant state of ‘catching up’ can lead to burnout and a diminished sense of control over your life. That’s why addressing punctuality is as much about logistics as it is about self-care. If you struggle with punctuality, remember: it’s not a moral failing. Changing your habits around time takes practice and patience, but the benefits — less stress, stronger relationships, and a greater sense of accomplishment — are well worth it.”

Start small and celebrate the changes as you notice them for sustainable progress, he adds. Last week I arrived early on two occasions to meet friends so I decided both times to get a matcha latte while waiting. It was quite refreshing being the one already sat down, instead of bursting through the door shiny from sweat, after taking escalator steps at lightning speed, opening with the word “sorry” before anything else.