Meet The Best Friends With Decades Between Them

“You’re my best friend and you always will be,” and “You’re my best friend, you know” tumble out of the mouths of Angel, 27, and Graham, 76, as they reach out and hold each other’s hands. They are dear friends with 49 years between them. 

The pair met at university in 2017, where Graham was a mature student. Angel tells Refinery29 that when they asked why he was studying at his age, without skipping a beat he said: “It’s either this or waiting for death”. They instantly knew they wanted to spend time with him. And the two have been through a lot together since then: studying History of Art and Design for three years, living together for one year, graduating during the pandemic, supporting each other’s art projects, moving to different cities (Angel moved to London, UK while Graham stayed in Brighton, UK), and establishing a friendship they firmly believe will last forever. 

In the UK, almost four in 10 adults are very close friends with someone from a different generation. In the U.S. it’s a similar story, as a survey also found four in 10 adults have a friend that’s 15 years older or younger, with the most common way of meeting being through work. We know that across the spectrum, both older and younger generations are notably lonelier. Building friendships across generational divides can only be a good thing. Meet the friends proving that to be true.

Vanessa, 36, and Cyan, 22, both from London, also haven’t let an age gap affect their closeness. The best friends, who agree they “share one brain” given how in sync they are, met through work three years ago. Cyan was Vanessa’s temporary assistant when she was unwell and needed extra support. When the working relationship ended, a true friendship was born. “We started video calling daily to lock in together,” Vanessa says, meaning that for six hours a day they would have productive virtual sessions together (not necessarily talking, but being there in the background) to hold each other accountable to their goals, personal and professional. “That’s a big part of our friendship,” she says. “We’re always pushing each other forward and don’t judge each other for anything.” They then started gyming together most days, and now they party and travel together, too, having gone to Abu Dhabi twice, Ibiza and Lisbon in the last year. 

“For us, the age gap doesn’t ever come up,” Vanessa says. “But for other people, it does. People assume I’m younger, but then they find out I’m 14 years older, and they start asking questions. They wonder if I’m young at heart or if she’s an old soul.” Cyan grew up with her grandmother being a strong presence in her life, so the age gap never felt strange. “Now we’re integrated in each other’s lives. I know all her friends, she knows mine,” Cyan says. “Her dad makes me food, her grandmother prays for me, she’s got the keys to my flat, she’s my pension nominee,” Vanessa adds. Being in their presence is like watching two equally matched energies bounce off each other effortlessly.

For Vanessa, most of her friends have children, while she doesn’t. “Who else is going to have a bunch of fun with me?”, she asks. That would be Cyan. “I drop round all the time,” Cyan says, and what happens next could involve cooking together, having a nap, locking in, or having a spontaneous bar crawl. From the intimacy of staying in to the raucous nights out, their friendship covers it all. “It would be really weird if we didn’t speak for a day,” Cyan laughs. “We don’t get tired of each other. This friendship keeps me going, it’s just the best.”

New Yorkers Elizabeth, 51 and Poonam, 32, became friends nine years ago. Elizabeth joined the same work team as Poonam so would naturally overhear her talking. She instantly liked Poonam and knew they would get on. “We talked about everything — dating, finding apartments, reminiscing about my 20s and 30s,” Elizabeth says. “It wasn’t traditional in that it was deep conversations we were having, more than just about work.” 

Their nearly two-decade age gap enhances their friendship, as they’ve learned from each other’s perspectives and life experiences. “She’ll be well prepared for perimenopause because I’m always complaining about it,” Elizabeth laughs. Talking and sharing is the cornerstone of their friendship, as their preferred way to hang out is by drinking martinis, going to restaurants, and “talking sh*t”, as Poonam puts it. But that’s not all, as Poonam sometimes hangs out with Elizabeth’s two children, too. She once taught them how to make paneer makhani, their favourite Indian dish.

Despite how busy Elizabeth is with her family and community work, she still makes Poonam feel cared for. “My favourite food is tomatoes, and Elizabeth knows this. We were going to this pizza place in Queens, and I thought we were just going to hang. She came with a box and inside was a vintage tomato purse. It’s the cutest thing ever and she had sourced it especially. I use it and think about it all the time — it’s the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever got me.” 

The age gap between them has helped Poonam realise how different people’s lives become during adulthood, especially as her friends closer in age are now going through very different life experiences — with some having children and others being single, for example. Her friendship with Elizabeth has made her appreciate how those changes evolve a friendship. “You meet your friends where they are,” Poonam adds. They respect the different kinds of chaos in their respective lives, while finding the time to catch up together. “She cares and she always shows up. We have deep conversations, it’s not surface level. We’ll be friends forever.”

“When I came to university, a friend said to me, ‘you’re going to meet people you’ll know for the rest of your days,’” Graham remembers, and that turned out to be true in the form of Angel. They were brought up by their nan so was used to spending time with older people and had an immediate bond when meeting in History of Art and Design class. “Our coursemates would be like, ‘Who’s that?’,” Angel says of their early days of friendship. “People were taken aback and would ask, ‘Why are you hanging out with an old man?’ I’d say, ‘Just talk to him. Spend 10 minutes with him and you’ll understand.’” Now they share a wide circle of friends, who recently gathered at Graham’s for a dinner party to celebrate his birthday. 

“Graham was a very important, consistent person for me,” Angel adds. They were both brought up religiously and bonded over how that affected their ability to express their gender and sexual identities. Having an older queer figure in Angel’s life has been especially meaningful, as they don’t have parental figures and now considers Graham their chosen family. He feels the same way. They know they’ll be there for each other no matter what happens, which is the real power of any strong friendship.

“My advice to everyone is get yourself a Graham in life, because it gives you an edge and a gratitude like no other. If he thinks anything I’m going to do is a bad idea, he’ll tell me straight up, and his approval means more to me than anyone else,” Angel says. “A lot of older people are shoved to the side and not taken seriously, and that’s ridiculous.”