Time Doesn’t Matter In Friendships — My Best Friends Came Later In Life

Best friends can arrive at any time in life, but there has to be a willingness to put in the effort. Download the app, book the event, talk to the person next to you. Moving to Amsterdam at the age of 29 meant Refinery29’s Claire Porter, now 32, had to build an entirely new social circle. Porter downloaded the Bumble BFF app and connected with another woman in the city, locking in brunch plans. “We immediately clicked, discussing common interests like fashion, pop culture and heartbreaks caused by Scandinavian men,” she says. “Our first ‘date’ went so well we wanted to extend it and decided to go to a cinema nearby, and within a couple of weeks were hanging out regularly.” It didn’t take long for the friendship to build and become close. Today they’re long distance friends who keep regularly in touch. Porter says this friendship makes them both feel comfortable being themselves, but that it’s also changed her as a person. “My adulthood friendships have been an opportunity to break old habits that may have been encouraged by childhood friends, but also an opportunity to try new things."

So often, childhood friendships can hinge on history, rather than necessarily the here and now. While there’s beauty to that, it’s important to meet new people who we click with because of who we are in the present. In 2019, Snapchat released “The Friendship Report”, a global study that found the average age we meet our best friends is 21. It isn’t 15, when most of us are still at school, or at 19 when many are typically in school — instead, it’s an age where lots of people leave education and go out into the world. Some don’t find their people until later down the road, when they know themselves better and find those who align closer with them. Adulthood friendships might take more work to come by, but they’re rewarding and prove that time doesn’t determine how close a friendship is. 

Rebecca Zephyr Thomas, 45, who lives in London, intentionally took a job that would allow her to meet more women, after realising she was missing having female friendships. She too had moved from New Zealand to London in her 20 and found her new circle to initially be mostly men. “I really missed having strong female friendships, and that was one of the reasons I took a part-time job at a lingerie shop,” says Thomas. Having left art school, the colleagues she bonded with were also from creative backgrounds, and they started socialising after their shifts, often going out partying. Twenty years later, she’s still close friends with the women she met there, and recently went to a mediation retreat one of them hosted. “I only have one childhood friend who I am still close with, and our friendship is more like sisters since we've known each other for most of our lives,” she says, “but my newer friends are more likely to share more of my life choices than my older ones. I don't have children and my newer friends are also more likely to be childfree compared to my older friends.” Thomas still loves making new friends now, especially living in a city where people “come and go”. She believes it’s important to nurture old friendships while cultivating new ones, and that a bond is a bond, no matter how long you’ve known each other.

We know friendships are integral to our health and wellbeing. Where older friendships might naturally grow distant overtime, it’s key we don’t become lax in finding new people we vibe with. Caroline Plumer, therapist at CPPC London, says: “We never age out of needing a community. Childhood friends are often made largely through circumstance and we have to make the best of it.” Adulthood friends release us of some of that limitation. “Of course, as an adult, there is still a strong element of circumstance, but we have much more freedom to choose who we spend time with,” says Plumer. “As we grow in confidence with age we are also less likely to spend time with people we think we ‘should’ do, or to be concerned about being perceived as popular. We’re more likely to choose friends because we enjoy spending time with them, and feel supported by them.” 

Sometimes, adulthood friendships can hold more importance in our lives because of where we’re at in ourselves. Rosie Wilby, 54, is queer but didn’t come out until after graduating? “As a queer woman growing up in a homophobic world, I wasn’t out at school,” Wilby reflects. “It’s when I started meeting fellow queer people when I moved to London for my first job that I felt I could… be my authentic self.” Wilby joined a queer choir and met one of her best friends. She actively sought out LGBTQ+ venues and events to build her community. “The act of creating something together that combined a sense of activism was very bonding,” she says. Wilby also notes that within the queer community, it's common to find adulthood friendships through dating. “In such a small, marginalised community, it seems important. One of my most important ongoing friendships is with my first proper girlfriend.” She found friendships within these communities could grow meaningful quickly.

Making friends as an adult can sometimes be down to pure luck. James Morton, 35, met his best friend 13 years ago while on a sabbatical in Holland, when the bike space he was about to use was taken by someone else. The woman who nabbed the space offered to help him find another. It turned out they were going to the same cafe, so decided to get a coffee together. Fast forward to now, he’s been a witness at her wedding and their friendship is “still going strong”. Morton also met some of the closest people in his life just a couple of years ago after a breakup that took half of his friends away. “I went on a Hinge date with a guy and he invited me to a party with some of his colleagues. I ended up hitting it off with them — a lot more than my date. Now they're some of my closest friends and we've been on holiday together twice — occasionally, the man I had the date with joins us, though he finds the whole thing baffling.” 

There is no deadline on when we might meet our best friends — and who those people are can be in flux over the years, too. “Because we grow and change throughout our lives, it's essential to find relationships that align with the person we are now instead of the younger or childhood versions of ourselves,” says Liz Kelly, a therapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy. “As we age, we have an opportunity to clarify our values, preferences, and priorities and find like-minded friends along the way. Adult friendships provide deeper connections due to life experience, emotional maturity, shared goals, and mutual support.” 

There’s a stereotype that when people meet romantic partners later in life, the timeline on their relationship can speed up, becoming serious quickly because they both have a clear sense of what they want. The same, I think, can be said for adult friendships. When you know what works for you (and what doesn’t), have learned that friendships require effort, and you’re experienced enough to trust a click you feel with someone, what’s to stop a new friend from quickly evolving their place in your life?