Is Your Situationship Draining You? End It (For Good This Time)

Forget spring cleaning your wardrobe, spring clean your dating life. There’s never been a better time to end it with your situationship: Spring is here, summer is on the horizon, and the social calendar is going to fill up with fun events as everyone retreats out of their winter cocoons. What’s coming next is harsh, but is said with love. You’ll want to be properly single for it, not still eating the crumbs your situationship leaves behind. This is how you’ll end it, for good this time.

Just in case you don’t know what this is, it’s when you’re not in an official relationship but you’re involved with someone regularly. The term was coined by journalist Carina Hsieh in 2017. It’s casual, but more emotionally charged for one person (usually). Situationships can be fun when both people are viewing it the same way, but when one person wants to make it more, it’s time to quit.

Ah, now here’s the hard bit. Some of us can be delulu about whether the situationship is serving us still, making excuses to not end it. Kate Moyle, sex and relationships therapist for LELO, says the time to end it is “when it feels that you aren't getting what you want from it anymore”. 

If you wanted casual and now don’t, it’s highly likely a situationship isn’t going to be emotionally satisfying anymore. “If you find that a situationship is getting in the way of things like dating others, or if you are more interested in the other person who doesn't want to commit, or if you have tried the same thing numerous times with the same person, you also have to question what you need to change in the scenario for it to work differently,” Moyle says. Once you’ve figured that out, you then need to ask yourself whether that's possible for the other person.

Liz Kelly, psychotherapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, says the following questions should help you figure out whether it’s time to walk away: 

1. Is this relationship adding or detracting from your life? 
2. Does being involved with this person uplift you or drain your energy? 
3. How do you feel about yourself after interacting with this person? 
4. Are you spending time or energy on this situationship that could better be spent elsewhere? 

Unlike a relationship, where it’s incredibly taboo to end things via text or call, what’s appropriate for a situationship isn’t so clear. Kelly says how you end it is up to you and depends on the context. “What is most important is to be clear, direct, and honest,” she says. “If you communicate best by writing out your thoughts and choosing your words carefully, sending a written message is perfectly okay. On the other hand, you might have an in-person conversation, especially if you have a long history with this individual.” Moyle adds that what’s important is to do it respectfully. “Technology can provide a buffer, but that doesn't mean we should let our communication standards slip,” she advises. 

It’s one thing to end a situationship when you feel empowered, it’s another to stick to it when you are lonely and horny. “Communicating that the situationship has ended is not enough. You must then continue to uphold the boundaries you have set,” Kelly says. “For example, if you have explained that you will no longer answer texts or agree to meet up late at night, you need to enforce those ground rules, which is easier said than done. Situationships often fulfil a need for companionship, intimacy, or emotional validation. It can be challenging to cut off these relationships, even if we want more.”

Kelly suggests anticipating that you will likely be tempted when you hear from this person, and what these triggers might be. “Have a plan in place to manage temptation,” she says. “When you hear from this person, pause and breathe to prevent yourself from responding reactively. Consider making a list of things you can do instead of responding or reaching out. List all the reasons you do not benefit from continuing this situationship. Read this list whenever you find yourself tempted to reengage.” She also recommends removing them from social media so you don’t feel tempted to check up on them or make contact in any way. Short-term satisfaction might not be the key to long-term happiness.

It’s easier said than done, but try to not always focus on going to a partner to meet your needs, Moyle says. “As a society we are very couple-centric and often focus on what someone else or a partner can give to us rather than what we might be able to give to ourselves. Think about other ways that you can seek out pleasure whether that be sexual or otherwise, and focus on satisfying yourself.” She suggests using sex toys for fun solo play. But it’s also important to think about non-romantic ways to feel whole. “Pick up the phone and talk to friends, make plans and have fun and see yourself reflected in those around you who love you. Introducing something new into your life whether it be an exercise, hobby, new book or Netflix show can help to boost your sense of curiosity and challenge feelings of boredom.”

Ending a situationship isn’t fun for anyone. Any kind of ending is tough to process. Kelly says this is a kind of loss, and therefore you might feel grief. “Grief is the natural reaction to losing something important to you, even if moving on from the situationship is the right choice. Grief reactions often include experiencing emotions like frustration, sadness, irritation, disappointment, exhaustion, numbness, and regret. Allow yourself to feel these emotions and treat yourself with kindness and compassion as you adjust to life without this situationship.”

With time, you won’t even think about your situationship anymore. Even better, you might just find someone who gives you everything they never could.