Don’t Get Fly Trapped By Your Ex’s Text This Holiday Season

You’re well rested, full of cheese and crackers, tired of your uncle's jokes and a little bored of all the holiday films. Ping! Suddenly, disturbing that holiday bubble, comes a text from your ex. The one your friends hate, who you swore you’d never give another chance. “Merry Christmas, thinking of you x.” You recoil a bit, but you’re intrigued. Very intrigued.

The festive text from an ex is a common scenario. In 2017, eHarmony dubbed it “Marleying”, after the ghost of Jacob Marley in A Christmas Carol. If you get sucked back in because of that text, we’re calling it being “fly trapped”. You, the fly, are trapped back in your ex’s web. So tread carefully with that festive text. More often than not, our exes are in the past for a reason.

Kate Moyle, sex and relationships therapist for LELO, says this happens because the holidays are a time when “there is a real focus on togetherness and being with people and loved ones, and it can bring up feelings of nostalgia and connection-seeking, particularly if it's during a period that we are feeling more lonely”. Sentimental feelings can nudge us to reach out to someone we have been with previously, Moyle explains, “or to seek out the familiar as a way of feeling connected — even if we are not seeking anything further from it”.

And that’s the kicker. The sender may not want anything more than that text — a brief moment to make sure they are remembered. But that brief moment can derail the receiver’s entire January, if not longer. Bumble’s sex and relationship expert, Dr Caroline West, says it’s natural to feel nostalgic at this time of year. It’s also common to feel horny or even bored, as she puts it, which might lead to some ill-advised texting.

It’s easy to read into a text that doesn’t actually mean anything deeper. Moyle advises you consider the context in which your ex has reached out, especially if they’re a repeat offender with this kind of carrot-and-stick behaviour. “If you notice that your ex has a habit of messaging you at certain times like around the holidays, or [when] they are likely to be feeling lonely, but then it never goes anywhere, it's worth considering that they are using contact to soothe something in them without the intention of building on things further.” The truth hurts but it really is a reflection of them, rather than you. 

Think carefully before responding and weigh up if you need to. West recommends you wait and give it some time before replying. There’s no rush. Moyle adds: “It's about what you would regret the most — replying or not knowing what would happen if you didn't.” She also suggests you think about how and why the relationship ended, and what terms things have been left on. “If this is someone that wasn't good for you and really hurt you, then getting back involved with them in any way is unlikely to be a positive. Also if they have a repeated pattern of pulling you close and then rejecting or pushing you away, then stay clear as being emotionally yo-yoed is not a good feeling for anyone.”

If you do choose to reply, no one is judging. Sometimes the intention may be genuine, and sometimes we need to get someone out of our system by exploring the possibility of reconciliation first. “Think about the best- and worst-case scenarios,” Moyle says. “If you choose to reply, you will get a good read from them, but don’t let it ruin your festive plans with your family and friends. If it's going to preoccupy and overshadow your in-person loving experiences, then it may not be worth it.”

Don’t be afraid to be direct if you do engage in conversation. West says it’s vital to be “assertive and clear” about your boundaries. “Share what you want, if and when you do want to reconnect, as soon as you can,” she says.​​“Recent research from Bumble showed that the level of tolerance has shifted, with two in three British women being more honest with themselves and no longer making compromises. Having this conversation should help you gain quick clarity on the intentions and help you make an informed decision about what — if anything — you do next.”

Moyle adds that if you respond, you may feel less lonely in the short term but if you still have feelings for your ex-partner, it will hurt more in the long term if you start to feel increasingly connected to them again and it's one-sided. “If you feel that there is genuine intention from their side, and it's a mutual buy-in to trying things again, then that's something more to think about.” 

You had high hopes after receiving the text. You thought they cared, were thinking of you, and this was a sign things might change. We’ve all been there.

Moving on after you’ve been sucked back in by an ex only to discover it wasn’t the situation you expected can feel confusing. Moyle says it’s important to surround yourself with people who do show you love and care, without strings attached. “Use other relationships and loves in your life such as friends and family to make you feel connected and loved — don't lean on your ex to meet those needs for you,” she says. “You should always be the main character in your own story. You need to think about why you are allowing yourself to be treated like that.”

It’s important to show yourself compassion as you reflect on the experience. “Sometimes the healthiest choice is to leave the past behind,” West says. “Recognise the red flags and seek support if needed, as not all relationships are worth revisiting. Every relationship, whether old or new, should help you grow and feel supported, not drained. The key is to approach all relationships — new or old — with intention and self-awareness. Setting boundaries, allowing time for personal growth, and knowing when the story is truly over is essential.”

It’s okay to get that wrong sometimes but when you see it clearly, get yourself out of your ex’s web.