I remember being 22, fresh in the throes of my first heartbreak, and being told by an ex-colleague about a woman she knew who’d been let down by a romantic partner multiple times. Flaking, ghosting, refusing to commit — all of the classic red flags. One day out of the blue, he turned up at her door, apologised for everything and promised her he’d do better. They then got engaged. She told me this story, I think, to give me hope and did that from a good place.
I left this company a short while after, so I never heard the ending of that story. But, it did make me — young and inexperienced — wonder if my ex would do the same. If he would also make it right if we met again later down the road. Being 28 now, I can look back and see that was a very ill advised and blindly hopeful thing to wonder about. I also think, without bitterness, it was a pretty stupid story to tell a romantic and hurting young person. Many people hear these kinds of incredible love stories in which adversity was overcome (though perhaps, they’d be more incredible without the sh*t period first?), and often they’re told with an air of awe. And the receiver of the stories, well we gobbled them right up. People love love, and they want to know there’s a happy ending.
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The “you meet them twice” theory is an iteration of this. It means that if someone is meant to be in your life, if it went wrong the first time, you’ll meet them a second time for another chance. On TikTok, beautiful couples have shared they prove the theory true, broadcasting their love for the world to see. Naturally, those of us watching want a slice. Where it becomes worrying, is when hopes are pinned onto terrible ex partners and growth or the ability to move on is hindered. On one such TikTok video, there’s a comment that reads: “I hope I meet him again and get back together for the long haul. It’s been two years no contact yet he’s still in the back of my mind.” This isn’t an anomaly. Am I the only one who’s horrified? I know if I’d seen this content back at 22, hoping an ex that never returned would, it would have confirmed so desperately what I wanted to see: That his wrongdoings didn’t matter, and we were meant to be together. Reader, let me tell you, we are not meant to be together. Being several years wiser, I thank my lucky stars we never “met twice”.
These kinds of love stories are the minority. It might apply to you one day, but the chances are this isn’t how your love story goes. The “you meet them twice” theory sells the idea that this commonly happens. Liz Kelly, psychotherapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy says: “The problem with the ‘you meet them twice’ trend and the idea of soulmates is that it can cause people to overlook red flags in relationships. If you have the idea in your head that your partner is your soulmate or you are predestined to end up with them in some way, you may end up minimising harmful, or even abusive behaviour.” Kelly adds that confirmation bias can play a role in this self-delusion, “but just because something is possible does not mean that it’s probable”.
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This messaging is often gendered too, with women being encouraged more so than men to wait around for unpromised change, because finding love is typically impressed upon girls and women more. “Women historically have been cultured to believe in ‘happy ever after’,” Kelly explains. “Romantic movies and films often feature couples who finally fall for each other after much drama and strife. People can start to think that’s normal, but real life and love should be about trust, respect, support, and affection.” There’s a lot of airtime given to women who wait for emotionally unavailable men, like Carrie waiting for Big in Sex And The City and Marianne being mistreated by Connell at school in Normal People. Caroline Plumer, a psychotherapist, says the kinds of messages men receive are typically around being persistent even if they’ve been told “no” by a romantic interest. “These ideas can be really harmful as they tend to distort the reality of a situation,” she says. “If someone has shown disinterest or disloyalty, then it's not for you to change or 'fix' them, it's time to move on.”
The “you meet them twice” theory has been gaining traction recently, and Plumer has her own theory as to why. “A rekindled romance is a fun story, but more than likely it's one that's being told because it's rare. It serves us well to remember we are all normally the rule and not the exception.” Ruminating on an ex in this way gets in the way of our own healing, she adds, as well as the opportunity to find love with someone new. These beliefs can “stop us from feeling happy and healthy within ourselves”, she says. “It may hurt to let go of a relationship (or even the idea of one if it was very early stages) but if we don't, we can end up spiralling into either negative or even delusional thought patterns.”
Be kind to yourself though, it is normal to rebel against accepting the end to an extent. Kelly says that after a devastating break-up, it’s common for the brain to be searching for reasons why the relationship ended and for ways to rekindle the relationship. “It can be easy to romanticise your previous partner rather than reflect on the incompatibilities. Take some time to reflect on what you learned from this relationship about what you do and don’t want in your life. Use that information to help you move forward. Therapy and talking with your most level-headed and trusted friends can be a great help.”
Plumer says the best thing to do is focus on yourself as you move forward, not your ex and what they may or may not regret. And maybe you will meet them twice — but only to see them a second time, wiser in yourself, and realise with a shudder you’re glad it ended.
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