It Isn’t Always A “Sign” When Things Don’t Go Your Way

When was the last time you said it? Be honest. When you didn’t get that job you interviewed for? It’s a sign I should be writing my novel instead. When that situationship failed to blossom into something more permanent? It’s a sign they’re not The One. When your housemate’s birthday cake emerged from the oven with a soggy bottom and a severe bout of jaundice? It’s a sign I’m a terrible baker. 

Perhaps it was in a fit of triumph — one of those rare moments when the universe seems to be winking at you, like finding the last dress in your size buried at the back of the sale rack. It’s a sign I’m meant to have it. More often than not, though, we reach for these three little words when we feel as if life has let us down in one way or another. Like the platitudes beloved by nans everywhere — what’s for you won’t go past you; que sera sera; everything happens for a reason — they are harmless enough on the surface, encouraging an optimistic, ‘chin up’ mentality in the face of routine setbacks and disappointments. But could relying too heavily on this way of thinking be preventing us from moving forward with our lives?

“When we frame setbacks as ‘signs’, we’re often trying to make sense of something that hurts,” says Taz Thornton, an award-winning business and empowerment coach, speaker and bestselling author. “It’s a coping mechanism. If we can convince ourselves that a disappointment is somehow part of a bigger plan, it can soften the blow. It gives us a sense of control over something that otherwise feels chaotic and unfair.” ‘Chaotic and unfair’ is a good way to describe the first few months of 2025. In the US, Donald Trump has slashed foreign aid, laid off thousands of federal workers and thrown financial markets around the world into turmoil, while in the UK, Keir Starmer’s government has tabled welfare cuts that will harm the poorest and most vulnerable in society. Meanwhile a loaf of bread costs two quid, the job market has tipped drastically in favour of employers and it remains all but impossible to buy a house. Against such a turbulent backdrop, is it any wonder that a report published by Channel 4 at the start of the year found that only 60% of 13 to 27-year-olds feel in control of major aspects of their lives? Can anyone blame us if we try to impose a modicum of control wherever we can?

The problem with understanding our setbacks as part of a bigger plan is that it may lead to us getting stuck. “It stops us asking the hard questions,” says Taz. “What could I have done differently? What can I learn here? Where do I need to grow? It can also breed a kind of learned helplessness, where we start waiting for life to tell us what to do instead of being proactive and taking responsibility for our own path.” Let’s go back to that unsuccessful job interview. You could interpret it as a sign that you should be doing something else with your time, perhaps something you feel more passionate about, which may well be true. But end the debrief there and you overlook other possibilities — does your interview technique need work? Could you have spent a little more time beforehand researching the role or the company? — which might stop you getting the next job, or the next.

It can also create a fear of failure, says child and family therapist and mental health advocate Cai Graham. “Viewing failure as a sign of being on the wrong path can make us more hesitant to take risks or step outside our comfort zone.” It can be deeply uncomfortable to acknowledge our failings — even to ourselves — but it is only by doing so that we can break patterns that no longer serve us and embrace fresh ways of thinking. Confronting failure helps us become more resilient, too, adds Cai. “Part of building resilience is learning how to adapt and bounce back. If we always externalise setbacks, we miss the chance to strengthen that skill.”

The extent to which a person externalises setbacks may come down to whether they have an internal or external locus of control. ‘Locus of control’ explains the degree to which you feel you have control over your life. If you have an internal locus of control, you believe in your own influence over life events and are confident that your actions have a direct effect on your personal outcomes. Conversely, if you have an external locus of control, you attribute your personal outcomes to fate and factors beyond your control. There is research to suggest that people with a stronger internal locus of control are generally happier and healthier than those with a more external locus of control. This is not to say, however, that a belief in things like fate, chance — even your horoscope — can have a negative impact on your life. The opposite can be true, too.

A study published in 2011 in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that belief in an external locus of control acted as a protective factor for people coping with the death of a spouse. The researchers followed widowed individuals for four years before and after the loss and discovered that those who believed in chance or fate experienced a considerably smaller decline in life satisfaction in the year of the death than those who did not share the same belief. We may not be talking here about anything as extreme as the death of a partner but Cai agrees that when a situation is especially painful or feels genuinely out of our control, interpreting what has happened as a ‘sign’ can be helpful.

“In those moments, the idea of a ‘sign’ can act as an emotional anchor. It gives people a way to cope when rational explanations fall short or when searching for personal responsibility would only deepen their pain.” The key, says Cai, is to recognise when this way of thinking is supporting your healing and when it may be stopping you from moving forward. “When we use it to soothe, that’s human. When we use it to avoid or stay stuck, that’s when it can become limiting.”

Sticking with fate for a minute, let’s turn our attention to the zodiac — the interpretation, after all, of a very particular set of signs. Offering insight into matters as diverse as dating, careers, money, health and friendships, a lot has been written about the popularity of horoscopes among Gen Z and millennials in particular. Like the platitudes we mentioned at the start of this article, they are harmless enough as a jumping-off point for self-reflection or a fun topic of conversation in the group chat. However, one (admittedly quite old) study from 1986 found that people seek out predictions that fit in with their horoscope and ignore those that do not — research that supports the findings of a slightly later study, from 1995, which suggested that belief in astrology can limit personal growth as horoscopes become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Taz says that the same thing can happen if we abdicate responsibility for our actions by framing our setbacks as ‘signs’. “Growth demands ownership. If we’re constantly outsourcing our life direction to ‘signs’, stars or anything else, we’re not fully stepping into our own power. Belief systems themselves aren’t the problem — it’s how we use them. If they’re a tool for reflection, great. If they’re an excuse to stay stuck, not so great.”

Cai agrees that interpreting a disappointment as a ‘sign’ can easily translate into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s actually a really common pattern, she says. “If we decide a bad outcome means we’re not good at something, we might avoid trying again, which only reinforces the belief.” Say you bake a cake, having never baked before, and for whatever reason it turns out dreadfully. Instead of seeing it as a one-off mistake or something to learn from, you take it as a sign you’re a bad baker and vow not to pick up a mixing bowl again. It becomes part of your identity. “Over time,” says Cai, “this kind of thinking can chip away at confidence and limit growth — not just in baking but in anything where we fear failure.”

So how do we get out of the habit of interpreting our setbacks and disappointments as ‘signs’ and take back control of our lives? The first step, says Taz, is to notice it. “Awareness is everything. When something doesn’t go our way, instead of asking, What is this telling me?, we can start asking, What is this teaching me? That tiny shift moves us from passive to active.”

It’s important to acknowledge the discomfort, adds Cai. “Sit with the disappointment instead of immediately looking for an external explanation. It’s unsettling but sitting with your emotions helps you process.” Once you’ve done that, you can start to reframe failure as feedback and identify the actions you can take to move forward. “Instead of seeing setbacks as signs of personal inadequacy or fate being against you, reframe them as opportunities for improvement.” It’s all about building a growth mindset, she says. “Start seeing challenges as opportunities to learn and grow, not just obstacles. People with a growth mindset understand that their skills can improve with effort and persistence.” Try not to get disheartened if you encounter further bumps in the road and celebrate progress, not perfection, remembering that it isn’t always a straight line.

Finding meaning in the things that happen to us every day is part of the human experience. No one is suggesting you didn’t see the breakup coming because a lonely magpie landed on his doorstep just as you reached for the bell. But let’s try to be the driver of our own car, not the passenger. As Taz says: “Real empowerment comes from knowing we’re not puppets on a cosmic string. We can honour our intuition, stay open to guidance and still take ownership of our choices. That’s where the real magic is — not waiting for a sign, but learning to trust ourselves enough to be the sign.”