Where The Hell Has Everyone’s Social Etiquette Gone?

Something has changed. When I get on the train to go to work, people are fighting to get into the carriage before allowing passengers to get off first. When I go to concerts, a large bulk of people seem to be talking over the music. At the cinema, people are on their phones during the film, screens blinding those around them. At art galleries, people stand in front of signs as if ignorant of the crowd behind them. Leaving a gym changing room recently, a woman barged into me rather than waiting the two seconds I’d have needed to walk by. At a narrow restaurant, someone shot my friend a dirty look when she asked them to tuck in their chair so she could pass. It feels like no one gives a f*ck about anyone anymore. We’ve lost sight of our small connections. Without sounding like a grandparent waxing lyrical about “back in my day”, it wasn’t that long ago that things were different. I have videos to prove that at gigs, people once did listen to the music and talk afterwards. The world around me is getting off on individualism and subsequently disrespect, but I’m standing firm about giving a damn about strangers.

I can’t put my finger on why but social etiquette seems to have gone out of the window and with it, general care for others. When I go out to places, I’m acutely aware of the experience of the people next to me, as well as my own. As someone who’s had experiences ruined or affected by inconsiderate people beside me, I want to make sure I’m doing my bit and that I’m not part of the problem. At a festival this summer, I spotted a worried-looking woman to my right so I checked if she was okay rather than just ignoring or shoving into her (as people often do in crowds). When I get on the train, I make sure everyone is off first before I board. At the cinema, even if the film is boring, I would never want the glare of my screen to ruin someone else’s viewing. When someone is trying to get past me, I move to the side. Everywhere I go, I’m taking other people into account. Surely that should be how we all operate? But I’m starting to feel like a mug, because not enough people seem to be doing the same. It’s gotten to a point where, if someone smiles at me or lets me move past them first or asks if I want to step ahead of their tall boyfriend at a live event, I’m shocked. At a concert recently, I asked a tall couple if they could still see if I stood in front of them. They said to go ahead, and thanked me for checking with them first. Thirty minutes later, a latecomer shoved between me and them, her hair likely in their faces and her bag in my thighs. No thoughts, just shove. Everyone is out for themselves, and it’s making life that bit less bearable. 

I’m not alone in thinking this. When I speak to friends, they’ve noticed the change too. Is it a post-COVID thing, we wonder? Is it the belief that cities are full of selfish people so it emboldens selfish behaviour? Is it anonymity? Is it an age thing? (Admittedly, at a gig recently where the crowd was mostly 40+, this didn’t seem to be much of an issue; at a rave I went to last week, the kind people I interacted with were all older). TikTok videos have recently appeared on my feed of people complaining about their day-to-day experiences being negatively altered by strangers who show no awareness of who’s around them. The comments are full of people in agreement. It’s wild that in a world of extreme surveillance through social media, we’ve swung that way instead of becoming extra nice. But these videos do tell me one thing: Considerate people under 40 aren’t a completely dying breed. 

The small things count. Studies show show that humans respond well when they’ve had a nice small interaction with a stranger. It notably improves their mood. I think the opposite is true, too. If someone is horrid or shows no care when they cross paths with you, it can make you feel even worse. When I’ve had a bad day, if a stranger shows me the most minuscule amount of consideration, it can really lift and brighten my mood. Recently I actually shouted at a man (not my proudest moment — I absolutely could have been calmer) who was trying to barge past a woman on the train. I snapped. I’d had enough of watching people close their eyes to the world around them. The man looked shocked and stepped back to let the woman off, then awkwardly laughed off my aggression. I doubt he’ll barge past someone like that again but he’s one in a sea of millions who seemingly lack awareness, or worse, have it and still don’t care. When I told my cousin this story later over pizza, he said: “Good for you for saying something! At least you’re on the right side.”

Socially and politically, individualism (an ideology that favours the individual over the collective) is at the core of so much contemporary rhetoric. We’re encouraged to cut off people who “don’t serve” us, to think about our personal wellness goals and reminded that if our “cup isn’t full”, we can’t show up for others. These things all stand up and have helped people lead happier lives, but I think they’ve created (ironically) a shared mindset that we operate as individuals. If we don’t find value in our small connections again soon, I worry about how thin the line between apathy and cruelty will become. It’s easier to put a middle finger up to others when we see ourselves as the centre of the world rather than a small part of it. 

I need the people in my camp to speak up louder. To tell people when they’re doing something that momentarily screws someone else over. If we don’t, we’re always going to be on the back foot. Personally, I don’t want to live in a world where the behaviour of the guy I butted heads with on the train is so commonplace that I don’t even notice the rudeness anymore. Where it doesn’t even register because everyone has been emboldened to act the same way. That, to me, is a scary thought. As a species we do a lot of justifying based on what others do to us: If someone barges past you, you think it’s okay to barge past someone else, or figure that you may as well otherwise it’ll be you who’s shoved. We need to act with kindness and consideration — if not for everyone around us, then at the very least with some faith that what goes around comes around. With the holiday season now well underway, everyone is rushing around with tunnel vision that bit more. If we can spare a little thought for one another, maybe we’ll enjoy things — mundane and special — more, together.