So You Think You Can Govern: You Can't Bully A Bully

This week, reality TV got political (oh hello, Carole-Ramona fights about Trump), and politics got, well, dramatic. Since the lines are getting blurrier than the contestants’ vision on night one of Bachelor in Paradise, there’s no reason to cover the two things differently anymore.

But They’re Being Mean!
I do not support bullying in any form, be it teens to each other on the internet or Bethenny to the rest of the housewives about their choices. I mean, I love me some B. Frank (my straight-shooter nickname for Bethenny Frankel, not Senator Barney Frank), but girl needs to start taking it if she’s going to dish it out so much. I digress. Once in a while bullying has a net positive outcome: Like taking U.S. Representative and iPhone economist Jason Chaffetz down a peg.

Chaffetz said people at his town hall meetings were out to bully and intimidate him, and that is the reason he is not seeking re-election. Aww, did all of the mean people who were mad about losing access to life-saving healthcare hurt his feelings? Poor guy.

That’s the thing about being an elected representative: Sometimes you’ll have to actually answer to the people who elected you. Between enjoying expensive lobbyist dinners, long breaks from work, and health insurance, you have to actually do your job. Listen to what the people say. Make like Andy Cohen in a reunion episode and face those tough questions, like, “Where is our affordable health care?” and “Lisa, how could you forget saying something so hurtful about Kim and Kyle?”

Thursday morning, Chaffetz said he might not even finish his current congressional term. Maybe he has his eye on Fox News — I hear there's an opening.

Bill, Bye
Finally, part time sexual harasser and full time fear-mongering face on Fox News Bill O’Reilly was let go from the network. You know what they say about sexual harassment consequences: fifth time’s the charm. Hahaha, I’m just kidding. There are no consequences. I mean, take a look at Exhibit A.

But this time there actually were real consequences. Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox News had lost many of its advertisers due to growing accusations of sexual harassment and millions spent on settlements for the accusers. It was time for Bill to face the facts, something that he has never done when it comes to his job, and thus would be very difficult for him.

Naturally Fox wanted to soften the blow for its beloved Bill, and so it awarded him a $25 million payout. That’s right: O’Reilly was paid $25 million (about a year of his salary) to leave the job. That would be like Lisa Vanderpump giving James Kennedy a lifetime supply of Vanderpump vodka when she fired him from SUR and Pump. He doesn’t need it and he certainly doesn’t deserve it.

Made In China
Timing is everything, right? If Tom and Luann hadn’t met at just the right time when they were both (sort of) single and looking for love/a storyline, they might never have gotten married! So the timing must have been perfect earlier this week when Ivanka Trump’s company got approval from China for three trademarks the same week that the country’s president, Xi Jinpang, was meeting with U.S. president and father to Ivanka, Donald Trump. What are the odds?

Ivanka has publicly stepped away from her eponymous label to pursue being her dad’s unpaid intern/bombing advisor, but she still receives payouts from the clothing brand. It could just be a lucky coincidence (like, I don't know, being born tall and blonde to a billionaire), but it still shines a light on how much overlap remains between the Trump family’s businesses and their politics.

Oh, and speaking of China, Donald Trump seems pretty fond of its cheap steel, even more than the American steel he claims to love and promised to use. The American steel industry is becoming the runner up on The Bachelor to China’s winner. Only instead of a limo ride home and possible continued reality TV contract, second place American steelworkers will only get unemployment and economic instability. Sad!

Sit Tight
In this unending sea of despair there is a beacon of hope, like a Chanel store on a Real Housewives trip. And that light is Jon Ossoff.

Ossoff is a Democrat in Georgia gunning for the House seat that has been occupied by a conservative since the beginning of time. This week the state held a special election to replace Tom Price, who vacated his seat to join Trump’s cabinet as the Secretary of Health and Human Services. Jon Ossoff emerged with the possibility to win outright, but fell short of the required 50% of votes. So consider this a mid-season finale, and we just have to wait for a steamy cliffhanger to be resolved. (In a runoff vote in June.)

This is major news for two reasons: The tides are turning on Trump if a state as conservative as Georgia is on the brink of electing a Democrat into the House. And if Ossoff does win in June, the Republican majority in the House come fall could be in serious danger.

Maybe all is not lost. Maybe the country is waking up to what’s going on and ready to change. Maybe you’ll have to come back next week to see Jeff Sessions arrest someone for possession of a Ziploc bag of oregano. Who even knows.

B Roll
The White House apparently lied about the direction an aircraft carrier was headed, claiming it was going to North Korea when it actually was not. Maybe it was just a lost Carnival cruise.

Info Wars host, Sandy Hook denier, and semi professional shirtless eater Alex Jones claimed during a hearing that his show is all “performance art.”

The White House is still trying to make Trumpcare happen. “Fetch” will happen before this healthcare bill becomes a thing. It is not a thing, guys.