Hump, Marry, Kill: Someone Totally Bit It On Revenge

Hump: How do you fall asleep at night? Do you drift off the second your head hits the pillow? Me, I'm not so blessed on the sleep front, so lately I've been passing out listening to a Spotify station based on the comedy albums of one Anthony Jeselnik. This has proven highly effective on two fronts: One, instead of acknowledging the swirling thoughts in my head about work, life, metaphysics, and green juices, I play a fun little guessing game called "identify your favorite comedians based solely on their voices and routines." And two, the dulcet cadence of Anthony Jeselnik's deep voice and dark, comedic timing is quite soothing — you know, if you don't focus too much on his favorite joke topics, which are pretty bleak and inappropriate.

This week, the comedian brought his unique brand of insult comedy to a new show on Comedy Central, The Jeselnik Offensive. I'll admit it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (critiquing fashion in a segment meant to mock Fashion Police isn’t his strong suit), but if I closed my eyes, it's just like I was in bed, drifting off to his deep, smooth baritone.

Marry: Even though I said I’d take a break from waxing rhapsodic about Parks and Recreation, I was totally going to write about Ben and Leslie’s wedding here. Except...my DVR cut off 15 minutes into the hour-long episode that I can now only assume was magical, heartwarming, and life-changing beyond compare. I have never felt this betrayed in my life. There is no love. There is no happiness. God is dead.

So fine, I also went on a Netflix Archer binge this weekend and am now pretty smitten with the H. Jon Benjamin-voiced ISIS agent with the exceptionally chiseled jaw and even more well-honed Oedipal complex. In this week’s episode, Archer gets bitten by a snake, and a cut-rate James Mason It’s a Wonderful Lifes him. Check it out, mostly for the line about how they can’t be in heaven because Janis Joplin isn’t doing something extremely scatological to Sterling.

Also: It’s unclear when my sense of humor became that of a 13-year-old boy. Probably around the time my DVR became Benedict Arnold. I will never get over this. You’re dead to me, DVR.

Well, bull's-eye. Amanda Clarke (née Emily Thorne) bit the dust, which means that after Jack mourns the death of his new wife and mother of his child, blah blah blah, Emily (née Amanda Clarke) and Mr. Porter can finally be together, just like destiny has manifested since they first appeared on our screens as fictional 8-year-olds romping on a sun-drenched Hamptons beach with Emily’s beautiful yellow lab. It’s so wonderful when made-up people finally find true love.