Women Are Now Filming The Messy Endings In Their Lives

Would you rather cry on the phone to your friend about a breakup or broadcast a video of yourself in tears for millions to see? Some people are openly sharing their endings with the world on TikTok. They’re showing the live events unfolding — such as their redundancy call — and the immediate aftermath, like crying hysterically after being dumped. Some are even recording “GRWM” (get ready with me) videos as they dress up to end things with a long-term partner. Mass digital sharing of sad, traumatic and heartbreaking events is a fairly new phenomenon in our history yet many people are embracing the trend and seeking solace from strangers online. 

The immediacy of posting on social media might lead people to act first and think later. Ashley Wicker, 35, who is based in Ohio, tells Refinery29 she has a “hard time pinpointing” what made her record a video on TikTok as she got ready to be broken up with. “I was overwhelmed with emotion. It felt spur-of-the-moment,” she says. Wicker wasn’t thinking about who might stumble on her video, or that it would go viral. “When I first posted it, I got nervous and after a few minutes, changed the video to private so no one could see it. Then, I thought, Ashley, who cares! Just post it! So I put it public again and it was going crazy within about 10 mins. It was definitely overwhelming, I wasn’t expecting that at all.” 

This was Wicker’s first time going viral on the app and she thinks it happened because she was being authentic to herself and people could relate, in turn making them feel less alone. Soon, her inbox was flooded with messages and comments, mostly of support and praise. “People were finding comfort in the advice I was giving and saying they wished they could handle their breakups as well as I seemingly was,” she adds. Does she regret being so vulnerable online? “No, I’d do it again!” she says. “It validated my experience in that so many others have felt the same way, and it felt good to inspire people, too. Social media is 99% fake so showing something authentic is crucial for people’s mental health.”

Other women have had similarly affirming experiences. Gabrielle Dawson, 28, from Michigan posted a recording of her losing her job via Zoom (recording a video call with the consent of only one party is legal in only some states of the US; others require all parties to consent). “I started recording because I felt like something was going to happen,” she says. “It’s not every day HR and the general manager want to talk to you on your day off. I didn’t know I would be laid off but I decided to share it on TikTok because I’ve seen other layoff videos.” She began getting messages from family members who’d seen the video because it had gained thousands of views overnight. “The next day when I got back on the app, I was getting swallowed up by the comments, including negative ones too. But I also had people telling me about job openings and how they were going through the same thing.” Dawson wishes she’d waited a few more days before posting but ultimately doesn’t regret it. The video is still online. 

These moments of vulnerability can help to process heartache. Ashlyn Leathers, 31, from Colorado also took to TikTok in the aftermath of a relationship ending. She started recording so she could later look back and “reflect on the progress” she’d made. “I never imagined it would go viral. I often would go to delete the video but the comments of people coming for comfort really struck a chord and convinced me to keep it online. I think it’s important to share your vulnerability because that’s what connects us all in some way. I know I’ve found comfort in seeing I’m not alone with my feelings.” One month after posting the video, she met the love of her life. The couple is now engaged and has a baby, and the video reminds Leathers (and her viewers) of how quickly life can change.

These videos could be seen as acts of martyrdom to give others “hope” if they feel alone in their own endings, as Leathers puts it. But sharing online has attracted some concern from those in the mental health space. Reza Shabahang, a psychologist at the University of Tehran, has studied “sadfishing”, which is when a person exaggerates the difficulties in their lives for sympathy online. His research links the practice to “anxiety, depression and attention-seeking”. Even if people aren’t sharing with an ulterior motive, there’s still the issue of whether these spontaneous videos could worsen mental health. Psychotherapist Tasha Bailey thinks that people are “experimenting” with vulnerability online but that boundaries are essential. “The lack of privacy when it comes to social media means that anyone can have access to us, including ex-partners, employers or family members,” she tells Refinery29. “There can be the emotional rush of sharing things while they're unfolding, as our feelings are changing and maturing. Endings can be very emotionally complicated, and we might find ourselves weaving through a wide spectrum of emotions such as relief, anger, sadness and betrayal. Sharing raw feelings before processing can leave us quite exposed to judgement or future embarrassment or shame.” 

From a career perspective, the repercussions are worth considering more seriously. Since being let go from her last job, Dawson has had “multiple job interviews” despite a difficult job market so doesn’t think sharing her video has affected her employability, though she is still looking for the right full-time role. However, Laura Kingston, founder of Leap Career Coaching, thinks people should tread with caution. “Employers look at potential new hires’ social media profiles as part of the recruitment strategy, so never share anything on there that could question your reputation.” Of course, there’s a difference between slating a company and simply recounting that you’re going through a tough time due to something like redundancy, which has become an increasingly common experience in the current financial climate. Kingston adds: “Endings and change can be difficult; we are hardwired to resist change. Record videos if you like but wait until your emotions have returned to baseline after a few days, rewatch and then decide if this is how you would like to be viewed by future employers.”

Bailey is not entirely against people sharing online. “Experiencing a loss can be overwhelming and also very isolating. Those who feel lonely in that journey might find themselves oversharing online,” she explains as a motivating factor in why people want to share. “It can be a therapeutic way of documenting our process, like video journalling, while also connecting with a community who also sees themselves in our journey. Some people might even find it more comfortable to share their personal pain on social media than to speak about it intimately with friends and family.” Biologically speaking, sharing online can create the same benefits as sharing in person — so long as it’s in a safe space. “Social connection can be very healing for us. It calms our amygdala, the brain's alarm system, and also helps to release feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. Not only do we feel heard, understood and encouraged by a supportive online audience but we also feel more relaxed.” 

The key is to pause before sharing information that’s likely to elicit a reaction. It’s not that we shouldn’t share at all — sharing helps people normalize and accept difficult situations — but reflecting privately first means we’re likely to share from a calmer state of mind, rather than an emotionally charged one post-bad news. Otherwise, you’ll need a very thick skin.